Secret Origins: Chester the Chiseler!

Link to today’s strip.

“Once, back in the day, mild-mannered Blonde Bernie Silver, secretly known as Chester the Chiseler, was carefully sweeping the floor.  Suddenly–!

So, I suppose we’re about to find out why Chester’s such a terrible, terrible person.  Well, so far, he’s actually working at an honest job, which is better than 90% of the cast here, so…ball one, in favor of Chester.

I’m really starting to hate Tom Batiuk’s endless self-promotion, which seems to be getting worse and worse, to the point where it’s getting nauseating–case in point, Bernie’s Chester’s Batom Comics t-shirt.  Completely unneeded, except as a “look at me!” moment.  Good grief, man, try entertaining someone other than yourself for a change.

The art in panel one is pretty dismal, with what look like two of the dreariest Muppets ever trying to deflate themselves.  I do like the statue of Robin in the back, reaching for Superman’s crotch, though I have to wonder–does Batman know about this?!

I suppose he does…after all, he’s standing right there, moaning about “back in the day…”

Speaking of which, anyone remember this?

In other words, he was lying through his teeth.  Yet another wonderful character to root for!


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

19 responses to “Secret Origins: Chester the Chiseler!

  1. spacemanspiff85

    Something seems really off about the perspective in the second panel to me. Chester is old enough to have a job, but is barely taller than the barstools?

  2. Epicus Doomus

    So OK, BatWonk had a whole Chester Hagglemore story in mind, complete with a comic book nostalgia-centric back story in mind going all the way back to when Chester was just a wee comic book lad earning a penny a day sweeping up the ol’ comic book racks down at the local drugstore where everyone used to go to buy their comic books before the comic book fans and comic book publishers started treating the comic books like commodities that could never be handled or touched or enjoyed like they used to back in the day when comic books we’re f*cking GODDAMMIT I HATE THESE F*CKING COMIC BOOK ARCS WITH EVERY F*CKING FIBER OF MY BEING AND I JUST CAN’T TYPE “COMIC BOOKS” ANYMORE AND MAYBE NEVER AGAIN GOD HELP US ALL AND….

    Whoops, sorry about that. So anyway, this Tom Batiuk person (often referred to as “that guy”) had this whole Chester thing all “thought out” (relatively speaking) and ready to go so of course he spent three entire weeks just aimlessly dicking around for no particular reason. That’s why the special Pulitzer shelf is still empty as of this writing. Well, it’s one of the reasons.

    What a pair of wusses. John’s a big fat blabbermouth and Pete is a forty-something year old Hollywood screenwriter who needs to consult with an adult before he meets with another comic book (sigh) weirdo, like something could “happen” or something. Fat f*cking chance with this strip. Holly had no problem with just barging into Chester’s mansion but Pete…who holds all the power regarding this meeting…is quivering like a (sigh) leaf over a meeting with a fellow nerd. What a baby.

    Then again, when Holly met Chester BatNom hadn’t yet “fleshed out” his Starbuck Jones sub-universe yet, as that was before we were graced with the mason jars and cliff hangers and decoder rings and crappy old movie houses in smelly-ass Centerville that were to grace lucky FW readers later on. It was still all about the (ugh) comic books then.

    • spacemanspiff85

      It honestly wouldn’t surprise me if the past three weeks were just so Batiuk could “reveal” Chester’s origin, and his question for Pete is totally dropped and forgotten afterwards.

    • Sully

      Thank you. I got 10 times more entertainment from your rant than 10 years’ worth of this horrible, horrible comic strip.

    • hitorque

      Why doesn’t Pete refer Chester to his agent? Surely Pete is big enough now to warrant one…

      And since when did we need three weeks of exposition just to hear what will certainly be a lame-assed business proposition?

      Peter: “What can you tell me about this dude before I go in to meet him?”

      John: “OH WELL LET ME RECAP HIS WHOLE LIFE STORY LIKE A BOOK REPORT! Chester Hagglemore was born Karl-Heinz Schwartzengruber in the terminal at the old Detroit City Airport, his parents defectors from East Germany who hijacked an Air Canada DC-9 in Toronto to make it to U.S. soil….”

  3. billytheskink

    The Thor action figure in panel one looks like it is giving the finger to someone. I hope it’s Les.

  4. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    Deep background.

    “Oh, I got in deep, Pete. All the way to my balls.”

    “Umm, no, that’s not what I wanted, John…”

    “Oh! Right! Heh, sorry. Well, he batted my tonsils around with his schmeckle. That was as deep as I could take him.”

    “Ah! Thanks. That’s what I needed. Glad I drove over here from California. I could never have gotten this information on the phone or in email. Welp, time to get back to the Fairgood house. Quick costume change and I’ll do another scene as Granny Annie.”

  5. He’ll probably have noticed that some sharp dealer from Westview managed to rip off that old bat Lillian Mackenzie by waving terrible pizza under her nose and figured out “Dishonesty is the best policy.”

  6. Gerard Plourde

    Great. We’re in for a week of John spreading the gossip he heard from someone who’s no longer in business.

  7. Rusty Shackleford

    You just know there was a Danford’s somewhere in Ohio. Wait, I have a friend who is now living in California, and he used to work at an old drug store. I’m going to drive out there and ask him. I’ll report back here in a few weeks.

    • Double Sided Scooby Snack

      Don’t tell him you’re coming. Just show up and knock on his door.

      • Rusty Shackleford

        Of course, that is how Ohioans do things! I just learned yesterday that Google can be searched using your phone.

  8. louder

    Hmmmm, Chester has a job and made a lot of money with his talent. He thinks everyone in Cancerville is either stupid, a loser, or both, and treats them accordingly. Probably doesn’t give a cent to the Lisa Run either. I like Chester!

  9. comicbookharriet

    ” two of the dreariest Muppets ever trying to deflate themselves.”
    What a wonderfully vivid description… crept from a nightmare fugue state to haunt my waking thoughts…

  10. hitorque

    A drugstore with a lunch counter? What freakin’ year is this, and just how OLD is Chester?

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Ah, that’s how life was back in the days of yore…

      Comic books on a spinning rack at the drug store….till that madman Hagglemore came around and ruined everything with his ill gotten wealth.

  11. hitorque

    So why wasn’t “Comics Are Life” Chester at the Starbuck Jones premiere which was staged in his own goddamn hometown in a once-in-a-lifetime event?

  12. batgirl

    The oddest thing about the Batom ‘self-promotion’ is that there is no product to promote. No stories, no comics, nothing but cover art by other artists for non-existent issues. Just the name Batom and some doofuses (doofi?) fantasizing about working there.