June 2020 – Page 5 – Son of Stuck Funky

“This is the voice of World Control”

Mason: “So, Lisa made some videos before she died?”

Cayla: “Yes, hundreds of them. We’re all required to watch them. They cover every aspect of our existence.”

Mason: “…what?”

Cayla: “Yes, we can’t make any kind of move, or any decisions at all, really, until we consult the library and find the tape that deals with the issue. It’s Lisa’s way of making sure she always watches over us, always takes care of us. I don’t know what we’d do without Lisa.”

Mason: “Hmm…let me see if I understand. When she knew she was dying, instead of being a loving wife and mother, she neglected both her husband and her child so she could sit in front of a camera and make films. Instead of treasuring the time left, she decided to map out the future for her husband and child, by instructing them in how they should act and behave for the rest of their lives.”

Cayla: “My life, too. And I didn’t even know her. Well, I didn’t know her then…but I know her now.”

Mason: “What happens if you don’t do what she says?”

Cayla: “I don’t know. That never occurred to any of us. All we can do is obey. Besides, Les would probably get peeved, and that is forbidden.”

Mason: (after a long pause) “My God. I had no idea I was making a horror movie. Welp, I’ve gotta go–gotta break some contracts and make a bunch of apologies. Don’t call me!”

PS: Is Les getting ready to jerk off in panel three?

“B” as in “Boring”

Link to today’s strip.

Odd, isn’t it, how much Mason and Dullard resemble each other. Almost as if, on that night when Lisa was “assaulted,” both she and Frankie succumbed to the alcohol and passed out, and a passing student saw an opportunity…nah, Mason was probably five years old then, and besides, it’s too interesting for this strip. Wouldn’t it be intriguing to find out that Mason was a completely terrible person, and this was some complicated revenge scheme? Again, too interesting.

Better to make Mason pretty much clueless about the character he wants to portray, almost as if he’s never read Les’ book or spent any time with him. Nine hours in a sweltering parking lot, that’s enough research for Mason!

How to Make “Alien” More Terrifying

Link to today’s strip.

Seriously, can you imagine John Hurt going through all that agony, and out pops a little Les Moore? Which screams “Endings have to be earned!” before scooting off to hide in the ductwork? And it then confronts Harry Dean Stanton and says “I am the lord of language, and you are my acolytes!” The crew of the Nostromo would be screaming, “Please! Tear our brains out instead!”

“I guess some children were left behind!”

I mean, I get shivers just thinking about it! I’m going to leave the lights on tonight, but I don’t think I’ll ever go to sleep again!

Other than that, my God is Les being a little sh!t. Yes, I know he’s a douchebag deluxe (indeed, a douchebag supreme), but Mason is supposedly a friend. If someone were to treat me the way Les is treating Mason, I’d make my excuses and avoid that person. And of course, avoiding Les Moore is always a great strategy to employ.

On a serious note, Mr. Batiuk–when you’re offering a decidedly inferior product to your audience, it’s very unwise to remind them that there are superior entertainments out there that are much more worthy of their time.

People are Strange

Link to today’s strip.

Well, Mason, if you didn’t want to freak Les out, maybe you should have been a little more subtle…you know, less following Les around in your little black car, less parking right across from their house–you know, that sort of thing.

Or, as all of us have been screaming for days now, maybe you could have realized that memorizing an idiot’s driving patterns isn’t going to help you in a drama about a man suffering because his wife is dying. Has Mason always been this stupid? I know, I know, to ask is to answer.

Cayla’s remark to the contrary, it would have been nice if Mason had made Les and Cayla act “weird or strange.” They’ve been just as boring as they always were, and always will be. I would have settled for “interesting,” too, but that ship has sailed.

Flooding the Head

Link to today’s strip.

Not much that I can say about this one…we all figured it out, thanks to Charles. Seriously, it’s the most idiotic development I can imagine. In order to portray a husband devastated by his wife’s terminal cancer, Mason has to memorize traffic patterns and driving habits. It’s a whole new level of stupid, something this strip can, perhaps, take pride in at last (“I had the dumbest development ever! Give me prizes!”)

I’m reminded of the (perhaps apocryphal) story about the film “Marathon Man.” Dustin Hoffman went to extraordinary lengths to portray his character (which was far more interesting than Les), and Lawrence Olivier said, “My dear boy, why don’t you try acting?”

My dear Batiuk, why don’t you try writing?