Memories Of Tomorrow


So John Byrne and his annoying angular faces are back for the homestretch, eh? Well, you can put lipstick on a pig and so forth, but yadda yadda yadda get the f*ck out of here with this shit. He came up with a strip-ending premise…”Summer writes a history of Westview”…and THIS is where he ends up, in some distant futuristic future full of “solar scooters” and young women in 1960s go-go attire. Everything that happened up to this point? Completely meaningless. This is the culmination of decades of furious Batiuksturbation, right here. Ugh, I just made myself sick.

Great Moments In FW Arc Recap History

April 9-May 6, 2018
Darin and Pete return to Hollywood to give notice at the studio. Their director and producer are so delighted to see them go that they gift them with “Holtron”, the bulky old mainframe computer. After stopping by the Hollywood sign, the boys reunite with Chester at the old building that once housed Batom Comics. Chester has purchased the building to house their new venture, rechristened “Atomik Komix” to avoid trademark issues. He also trots out “Flash Freeman”, Batom’s original head writer, much to Pete and Darin’s awe. The boys waste no time making themselves at home: movers arrive with Holtron and Pete’s “Cosmic Treadmill” replica. While on his treadmill, Pete receives inspiration for Atomik’s first character: the Incredible Pulp, a sentient pile of soggy comic books.

I barely remember this one, as it took place during a really dark, awful time in my life. You don’t even wanna know. I only mention it at all to point out how SoSF was sometimes a beacon of chuckles and mirth when I really needed it the most. Once a day, I could put my litany of woes behind me for a few minutes, and goof on the daily strip, and sometimes it really did make all the difference.

So on the offhand chance that BatYam himself happens to read this, he should know that his work DID make people happy, albeit not always in the way he, uh, intended, I guess. And regardless of how warped or stupid that may be, it still counts for something in my book. So tonight I’m dedicating this post to Tom Batiuk himself, and to all the joy his half-assed, lazy piece of shit comic strip brought me over the years, none of which would have been possible without his special brand of ineptitude.



Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

93 responses to “Memories Of Tomorrow

  1. billytheskink

    The Batiukmobile of the future is based on the John Darling murder weapon toy spaceship?

    That’s… fitting. That’s the only PG-13 rated word for it.

    • Epicus Doomus

      He’s just so proud of his cornball 1950s sci-fi pastiche, so proud he had to share it with us one last time. Back before all this CGI stuff, when sci-fi was really sci-fi, you know? Batiuk may have touched on this topic a few times in the past.

      “The outskirts”…sounds mysterious. Upon first seeing this one, it was impossible to not burst out laughing over how balls-out stupid it is. With FW, you’re always expecting stupid, you think you’re prepared for stupid, and then he just takes stupid to weird new heights (or depths) you never could have foreseen, not in your wildest dreams.

      • Banana Jr. 6000

        “Outskirts” sounds silly in a sci-fi context. Remember in Star Wars Episode I when they landed on the dirt planet, and Natalie Portman and Liam Neeson kept using that word to say where their ship was? Only Star Wars could even try being that ridiculous.

        The outlying areas of a faux-Jetsons world populated with Lisa clones should have a much more Tom Batiuk-y name than that. Like “Noview” or “Malignantville” or “The Forbidden Zone.”

        “Outskirts” also sounds like it could be the name of the outfits they’re wearing. “Oooh, is that a new outskirt?”

        • billytheskink

          On the bright side, if TB is cribbing from The Phantom Menace… maybe these two will get caught in a sandstorm on their way to “The Outskirts”.

          • ComicBookHarriet

            Ugh, but then they’ll take shelter in a local comic shop…and a precocious tot, perhaps resembling a great grandchild of Cory and Rocky, will ask one of them if they’re ‘Wonder Woman’

          • J.J. O'Malley

            “I don’t like sand. It’s coarse and rough and irritating, and it gets everywhere.”

          • Banana Jr. 6000

            Better The Phantom Menace than The Phantom Empire.

      • Rusty Shackleford

        For Batty, the proper way to do anything is to do it the way he remembers it being done, or the way he prefers it be done.

        He is not necessarily a reliable narrator.

  2. William Thompson

    “Skylar Aero?” Is this a future with twisted memories of E.E. “Doc” Smith’s “Skylark of Space,” or did Skyler Failgood found a transportation company, then find his name misspelled in Summer’s holy-ergo-infallible book?

    But even in a future where the people of Westview have mutated for the worst, nothing still happens.

  3. Green Luthor

    “So, Tom, are you going to spend the last week showing that everything Timemop said really wasn’t a dream?”
    “Of course. Do you think I would spend three weeks on a meaningless dream sequence?”
    “…Do you really want an answer to that question…?”

  4. Well, ED and TFH warned us that this strip was going to take a turn for the hyper-idiotic, but… yikes. Today’s strip completely dumbfounds me. A different artist, new characters, Jetsons-era decor. I feel grossly unqualified to comment on this.

    • Epicus Doomus

      I don’t throw mild spoilers around lightly, Sour. When I drop a warning like that, it’s serious. I can safely say that when all is said and done, we will all be that much dumber for having read it.

      • ComicBookHarriet

        My spoiler-free review of the next week:

        I read it. I started laughing alone in my bedroom. I broke into my housemate’s room. I forced her to read it. I savored every reaction. And I never stopped laughing. The entire time. I laughed so hard I choked on my own spit.

        • sorialpromise

          Hey no offense, you know I love you. ❤️
          But this makes me glad I will never be your roommate. But I did blow orange drink out my nose reading it.

      • sorialpromise

        1. Most importantly:
        Epicus Doomus, I am so touched with your life message of surviving the dark days. We all suffer at times. I am glad you survived, and became a blessing to SOSF. You are respected.
        2. Today’s strip:
        I have read Byrne. I always thought he was a much better writer than artist. Today, his artwork will not make him any fans. The faces are horrible, the postures are are painful. (Try writing something in the brunette’s position in panel 1.) Look at that get-up they wear to go to the outskirts. Inflate them and bounce to the destination.
        3. If Batik has to tell you how influential he is…how influential is he?

    • Hannibal's Lectern

      Judy Jetson wouldn’t be caught dead in that getup, especially the gumdrop coats and the helmets.

  5. Green Luthor

    Hm, and I just remembered that Batiuk was at a convention recently talking about the history of Funky Winkerbean, and specific mention was made of not discussing the John Byrne stint. I guess it’s safe to assume it’s not because of a falling out between the two, but rather that he was trying to keep this one under wraps? (Though why he couldn’t mention the earlier one I can’t really guess. Tom works in mysterious ways.)

    And now I want to see Byrne draw the Pizza Monster. Just because.

  6. Andrew

    I was excited to see what surprise was in store for us with Epicus’s comments, and I may’ve gotten a tease of the truth, but I’m nevertheless engaged now, finding here a last-minute Christmas present.

    So it seems the final six days sees the strip enter what could be charitably called an epilogue, calling in one last guest artist favor, to deliver us a short arc that… is a giant 60s retro-future homage, and what is presumably bringing us into the “utopia” that a madman in a closest entertained us all about.

    Trying to end the strip on the “high” that the stories are important, that by Girl Les writing down the most recent 50-ish years worth of oral histories that we’ve been supposedly following will have an impact, just hammers in the notion that this town of losers, but specifically the Les Moore dynasty, is the center of the universe. It may be trying to look back at the whole strip and its events being important and memorable, but it’s all coming into the service of a character who became the ensemble darkhorse from the title character, was the projection of the writer’s vices as a writer, got an increasingly smug, punchable face, and somehow indirectly turned his jock of a daughter into a young, influential writing protégé who stumbled into being a cornerstone of human history.

    If nothing else, it’s fitting that even in trying to wrap things up in a bow, it just further grafted the most divisive character in the comic into being the most important, to the further detriment of the legacy.

    • Cheesy-kun

      If KSU press wanted to print an honest Foreword to the FW omnibus, they could do a lot worse than to print your comment, Andrew.

  7. spacemanspiff85

    I’m at least glad that Batiuk will decisively demonstrate that he has absolutely no business writing science fiction, before this strip ends.

    • billytheskink

      I’m 99.7% sure “and everyone wears Ugg boots” was in the notes TB sent along to John Byrne.

      • Epicus Doomus

        Oh, I’d kill to see those notes.

        “That 1950’s sci-fi vibe I like.”
        “1960s go-go clothes.”
        “Sensible hairdos (underlined twice)”
        “Futuristic writing technology of some kind.”

        • spacemanspiff85

          I would really love to see his notes. I’ve had the impression the descriptions he gives for most female characters isn’t much more than “hot blonde” (Cindy, Jessica, Mindy, Crankshaft’s grandson’s girlfriend) or “frumpy and unattractive” (Act III Holly, Dinkle’s wife).

          • Epicus Doomus

            You know what I will miss? The “jealous rage” face the women of FW always make whenever they suspect there’s hanky-panky going on. Like with Cindy or Jessica. You know the one I mean, when they’re all psychotic and have those anger lines on their faces. Those always amused me for some sick reason.

        • Banana Jr. 6000

          “No internet.”
          “No real technology.”

        • Charles

          “Sensible hairdos (underlined twice)”

          Yeah, no kidding.

          “Okay, it’s all futuristic and stuff, with weird clothes made of materials that haven’t been invented yet. And Ultima Summer is going to be handwriting her homework on some weird floating technology that doesn’t exist. BUT MAKE SURE THEY BOTH HAVE ’50s SUBURBAN HOUSEWIFE HAIRSTYLES.”

  8. Y. Knott

    Oh, joy. The perfect utopian future. Where everyone receives the perfect gift of “Westview: An Oral History” … or possibly if they’re REALLY special, “Lisa’s Story.”

    The wish-fulfillment is so pathetically blatant it’s almost comical. Tom Batiuk failed at impressing anyone with his life’s work during his lifetime. His only hope now is that humanity devolves over the next few centuries to the point where somehow, everyone actually reads and enjoys his obsessive drivel.

    “If you want a picture of the future, imagine Lisa’s “Other Shoe” stamping on a human face—forever.”

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      I can easily picture Lisa’s Story being some kind of twisted dystopian bible for this world, like the Ruhnama in Niyazov’s Turkmenistan. It would be a mandatory class in school, and those failing it would be ostracized. By which I mean “thrown out the airlock.”

      • Gerard Plourde

        “Son of Stuck Funky – Come for the snark. Stay for the erudition.”

        Once again the community at this site takes the sow’s ear that TomBa has gifted us and turns it into an opportunity to learn about the world. I was completely unaware of Ruhnama and Niyazov’s attempt to create a national epic for Post-Soviet Turkmenistan.

        Thanks for increasing my knowledge, Banana Jr. 6000.

        • Banana Jr. 6000

          My pleasure. Statecraft is an interest of mine, and Turkmenistan is one of the stranger ones out there. Imagine North Korea if it were run by a Bond villain. Niyazov did things like rename the days of the week after himself, and build a giant gold statue of himself that rotated to always face the sun. Under Niyazov it was the Funky Winkerbean of nations: it was so grandiose and misguided that it crossed over into unintentional comedy.

          • TimP

            I learned all about this guy when my wife had to write up the geopolitical risks section of an analysis for an oil company considering a project there. The gold statue tidbit in particular stuck with me when she shared that one.

          • Margaret

            I learned about the insanity in Turkmenistan from Fortean Times Magazine. They ran a full story about it several years ago. I really recommend that magazine! It’s ostensibly about paranormal and/or supernatural phenomena, but the editors have both feet on the ground, and are far from credulous, and they cover a wonderful range of strange and interesting cultural oddities all around the world. From a taxonomy of Thai ghosts to weird British festivals, like cheese rolling and The Burry Man.

    • Anonymous Sparrow

      May I buy you a Victory Gin, Y. Knott?

      Or perhaps some Oranges and Lemons?

    • Rusty Shackleford

      If you want a picture of the future, picture Lisa dying everyday on the comics page.

      We should be lucky the syndicate is pulling the plug on this mess.

    • Hannibal's Lectern

      Are you sure that Spawn of Dead Lisa wrote an oral history? I have a somewhat lower opinion of her source material.

  9. J.J. O'Malley

    Oh, this is just spiffy. In order to close out his half-century odyssey of teen angst-turned-sullen senescence, Batiuk has to lure one of the most popular comic book artists of the 1970s and ’80s out of semi-retirement and sully his controversial reputation with this “look at the wondrous Utopia the Book of Summer helped create” coda.

    If no one has yet, please permit me to salute Mr. Byrne’s acclaimed “X-Men” work by dubbing this final (?) FW arc “Days of Future Pissed.”

    • Green Luthor

      At least Byrne will contribute something to the FW legacy that’s even worse than his John Howard’s Dead Skunk Head makeover.

      (If we need an alternate title, might I suggest “The Fantastic Bore”?)

    • spacemanspiff85

      I recently read and enjoyed a lot of Mr. Byrne’s Superman work, and seeing him doing this just makes me kind of sad.

      • William Thompson

        So we might call this arc “Stuporman?”

      • Green Luthor

        Byrne was one of the most popular comics creators back in the 70s and 80s for a reason; he really did put out some quality work. He’s written and drawn some truly classic comics.

        On the other hand, I never, ever want to meet him. He… has a reputation, let’s just say.

        • ComicBookHarriet

          John Byrne, famously, struggled with drawing children.

          I took a stab at fixing this one in photoshop. Just to show how even a completely untrained/unskilled hack knows what a kid looks like.

          So the nicest thing I’ll say about Byrne’s stint drawing FW for a few weeks in 2003, is at least the children looked like children.

        • billytheskink

          The guy I REALLY don’t want to meet is the John Byrne who speaks in sentences written by Tom Batiuk…

          • Rusty Shackleford

            Man Batty’s momma did a number on him. He is still trying to prove himself worthy to her after all these years.

            I mean, I never knew anyone that thought people who read comics are dumb, and I agree that comics can be about adult themes, but Batty is someone who gives comics fans a bad name. Can you imagine a young artist coming to Batty for advice? You would feel like one of Les’ senior literature students.

            Batty has a lot of baggage, I hope he uses his free time to seek professional help. It’s not healthy to carry this kind of weight around.

            Batty, you have to face the facts, your mother went to her grave thinking comic books were just for kids. Get over it already and produce a strip for your readers.

          • The Duck of Death

            As sad as I am to think of losing my regular SoSF fix, I can take consolation in this: I may never again have to see one of Puff Batty’s loathesome straw-man villains. The over-the-top glowering and the ridiculous assertions that have never come out of a human mouth, followed by alleged zingers that reek of 5th Grade esprit d’escalier — never again. Aaaaaaah.

          • The Duck of Death

            1988: Watchmen wins Hugo Award.
            1992: Maus wins Pulitzer Prize.
            2001: Jimmy Corrigan, the Smartest Kid on Earth wins Guardian First Book Award.

            2005: Puff Batty throws a butthurt baby tantrum, screaming that comic books ARE TOO serious stuff for grownups! ARE TOO!

    • Anonymous Sparrow

      To rewrite Victor Hugo:

      Because we had Dark Phoenix, must we also have Sunny Westview?

    • This guy was a popular comic book artist? His “drawings” look like the “artwork” in Jack Chick tracts!

      • ComicBookHarriet

        I’d like to see Jack Chick take a stab at drawing THIS:

        For all his limitations/quirks, Byrne at his best was pretty good. And his best seemed to be thinly veiled giant-woman fetish art.

        • As a non-comics reader, I only know John Byrne through his work in Funky Winkerbean…which I’ve always found to be terrible. According to Wikipedia, Byrne is “one of the most prolific and influential comic book artists ever,” and the artwork of his that I’ve seen online is…adequate. But I cannot stand the way he draws Batiuk’s characters, with the weird postures and poses, wide-set, tiny eyes, and Muppet mouths. I’m pretty sure he drew these model sheets at the beginning of Act III, as well as 10 weeks of strips while Batiuk was recovering from foot surgery. As is the case with Rich Burchett, another comics artist with a solid rep, it appears that a prerequisite to drawing FW is “leave your talent at the door.”

        • Green Luthor

          In fairness, it wasn’t all giant-woman fetish art. Sometimes the women weren’t giant.

  10. ComicTrek

    WHAT the—

  11. none

    Merry Christmas, everyone.

    I think we can be certain that Puffy would be one of the people who would lambast Dick Tracy’s turn to the weird sci-fi with the Moon people and whatnot during the 60s and such, right? I can’t recall if he specifically did so on record before and if not, I’d bet that he would. Until now. Now it’s ok for him to to it, because, reasons.

  12. The Dreamer

    This feels like yesterday, the final Sunday strip, was the finale and last appearance of the regulars and these last six daily panels are purely throwaways

  13. I wonder if this is old artwork back from when Byrne was drawing the strip? Like this is something Batiuk had in his drawer if the strip was coming to an end.

    It seems way too specific to the last few weeks, though. Unless he had this plan for years…

    Wait, wait, this is Tom Batiuk we’re talking about. “Plan”? Silly me!

  14. erdmann

    After spending all week flying over the Greater Westview Metroplex, they will arrive at the Moore Memorial Museum, which houses the perfectly preserved Taj Moore Hall. There, the girl will receive the gift all youths get upon coming of age: Summer Moore’s multi-volume, world-changing masterwork, “The Complete Funky Winkerbean.”
    But the girl hesitates to accept the tomes, a cold, nagging doubt forming in the back of her mind.
    “I… I don’t know, mother…”
    “What do you mean? These are the sacred texts! The sacred texts!”
    Suddenly, the Force ghost of Yoda appears. “Oh, read them, have you?” He asks. “Page-turners they were not.”
    Yoda fades and the mother, as if awakening from a trance, gasps, “Oh, my god! He’s right! What was I thinking? Come on, sweetie, let’s go get you a present you’ll actually enjoy!”

  15. Banana Jr. 6000

    This is my reaction to today’s comic strip;

    I seriously laughed at this. No snark, no irony. It was so shocking, so nonsensical, so out of left field, so over the top, it broke my brain. All I could do was awkwardly laugh at it. I can’t even come up with a reply other than “No.”

    • Epicus Doomus

      I did too. Everything since pretty much Thanksgiving…the helmet, the custodian, the walk in the blizzard, it was all totally meaningless. Nothing came together, and nothing will. He was just dicking around, right to the bitter end. He had a bunch of ideas clanging around in that sincere head of his, but he just couldn’t or wouldn’t find a way to tie it all together. So he just slapped the ideas down one at a time, and called it a day.

      • Banana Jr. 6000

        Summer’s story feels like it was supposed to be much longer, but had to be cut down to complete before year’s end. And yet it still spent three full weeks on “it was just a dream” one full week wandering around looking at Batiuk’s self-insertions. This man’s storytelling priorities are unfathomable.

        • William Thompson

          Let’s just hope that KSU Press doesn’t offer “Final Funky: The Unabridged Batiuk Edition.” Because who wants to see six-strip explanations of “Why the Skylar Aero looks just like Skyler’s gun-toy spaceship” not to mention more Sideways Sunday panels?

  16. Hitorque

    No matter what happens, I know this is going to be the dumbest, dullest, most uninspired vision of future utopia imaginable and it will answer absolutely none of our questions…

    I presume the Olde Moore Chateau is now preserved as a national historic site and there’s a 400-foot colossal statue of Summer pointing to the sky or something??

    • William Thompson

      I’m sure this visit to the Moore Museum of Modernity will offer much worse than an oversized Hummel figurine of Summer. There’s going to be praise for her father, of course. There will be a word zeppelin about how Summer wrote The Book that inspired social science majors to study calculus and statistics. There will be tragic comments on how she did so much despite her tragic life. All this will inspire Summer-1138 to write Granny’s life story.

      In the background there will be a little boy, soaking it all in before he bursts into tears. “I wanna make things right for her!” Little Harley screams. “I wanna join the Time Lords and save her!”

  17. Cheesy-kun

    So the future belongs to Archie comics? These women look like they’d be besties with Veronica and Betty, and that is an awfully pastel, squeaky-clean suburb. In other words, as others have pointed out, it’s the 1950s in Space. Boring

  18. Paul Jones

    We won’t be told HOW her big book of explaining how The Big Book Of Yapping Losers Who Never Really LEFT High School turns the world into a dystopia of suburban thinking. All we’ll be given is the magical thinking that this incompetent idiot is good at.

  19. KMD

    And so it starts to end…..

    The characters he has been writing for 50 years? Ignore them. The setting he built? Who cares? The artist who put in loyal work? Screw him. Let’s end in the future with characters we don’t care about in an already outdated version of the future.

    I am not a prophet or the son of a prophet but this will be a rough 2023. TB tried to do more than a gag-a-day script with FW but failed. Now he is stuck with CS which does rely on gag-a-day and still misses the mark. Sometime in the summer, TB will drive through the old Ohio roads he knows so well and pull up the old drive-in. It closed in…..83? Maybe earlier though high school kids used to sniff glue and make out there as late as 88. Lot of vandalism and graffiti. Between all the obscenities, somebody wrote, “THERE ARE JOBS IN PHOENIX.”

    After lighting a smoke, TB will ponder this. He’s heard of people leaving the Buckeye State for Arizona. Maybe there are jobs there….

    He’ll turn up the radio, glad to hear a nostalgic song for things that never happened, that speaks more to how pop culture tells us our lives should have been instead of how they actually were. Maybe “Night Movies” by Bob Seger.

    Finished with the smoke, he will drive off–his cheap nostalgia and need to revel in failure sated for the moment.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      I like the way you think.

      You comment about pop culture is spot on.

      When Batty injects his viewpoints into FW, they seem so inauthentic, so contrived and so unoriginal. He parrots all the right slogans and cliches. But the story never materializes, instead it all just seems like random wordplay.

  20. bayoustu

    Is that Summer’s granddaughter caught in the act of writing her biography of the bestest authoress in the whole wide world?

  21. The Duck of Death

    Even in this insane coda, Batty cannot get to the point. He cannot start in media res. He’s still wasting days — with only six days remaining — having characters talk about doing things, instead of actually doing them.

    That, to me, is the funniest thing about today’s strip.

  22. Perfect Tommy

    I’d rather see Buck Rogers venture to the outskirts of New Chicago and brave the hoards of mutant zombies.

  23. The Duck of Death

    I’m gonna be one disappointed duck if we don’t get to see a statue of Lisa in Summergrad, the capitol city of Lisaland.

    Preferably a solid gold statue, 250 feet tall, that rotates to face the sun at all times. Thanks, BJr6K, for that image.

    Extra points if Byrne can draw the tear-streaked faces of the pilgrims who crowd around the base of the statue in all weather. They clutch their tiny aluminum charms, performing rote rosary-like motions as they weep and pray to Lisa for release from thier illnesses and woes. No one (other than Lisologists or the Church Mothers) really remembers why the charms are in the shape of playground equipment — tiny slides, teeter-totters, jungle gyms — but no one questions it, either. To question Lisa and the religion of Westviewology is to disappear in the night, to have even your name unspoken, for Lisalanders have learned that it’s unwise to speak of those that have disappeared.

  24. The Duck of Death

    “Humanity is our nation! Hail the behavioral-patterned algorithms of Summer!” boomed The Voice of Lisa from every corner loudspeaker, marking the noon hour. Every voice within earshot repeated the words immediately, in unison.

    Then the voice, synthesized from the Sacred Lisa Tapes, intoned, “Curse the inhuman peoples of Cincinnatia, Pittsburghia, and Indianapolandia! May their nonhuman blood flow in rivers as we destroy them!” Again, the millions of voices across Lisaland repeated the words by rote, in unison, with an eerie echo of the cadences of The Voice of Lisa.

    The Noon Exhortation was now over, and the Lisalanders returned to their various occupations — sorting comic books, filing comic books, restoring individual frames of The Phantom Empire, stacking comic books, putting comic books into poly bags, taking comic books out of poly bags, and so on.

  25. The WTFery continues. And neither in today’s strip or in today’s CRANKSHAFT is there any reference the massive snowstorm WestCenterViewVille was going to get the night of Dinkle’s receital.

    • Andrew

      Crankshaft is going back to its own and Batiuk’s usual defaults, segwaying abruptly from one arc to another. So as Funky peters out with Tales of the Future, old Ed’s just badgering about his addiction to online shopping with no further care for last week’s events. So it goes.

  26. Professor Fate

    Dear lord the stupid burns with the light of a thousand suns. This this THIS is how he’s going to have the strip go out – coming after the self congratulatory lead up to the Jazz Messiah Sunday strip. (He was patting himself on the back so hard he was going to strain himself.) this inexplicable leap into (Firesign Theater voice:) THE FUTURE with it’s flying cars. The brain she hurts
    Side note: I realize that we neve saw a single panel of Starbuck Jones in action – covers galore but no a single storyline.
    This strip was such an odd mix of the depressingly predictable and the utterly unexpected. We were surprised but rarely in a good way.
    This strip is ending not with a bang and even less than a whimper.

  27. The Duck of Death

    But one citizen did not intone the words immediately in the cadences of The Voice of Lisa. Les965529 did repeat the Noon Exhortation, but listlessly and too quietly. This did not escape the notice of his coworker, Les306700. Les306700 was a jealous, petty man who envied Les965529’s job, restoring damaged comic book covers. It was one of the more coveted jobs in Lisaland, far more prestigious than Les306700’s job of cleaning rusted staples.

    Les306700 sidled up to his supervisor during the day’s second 8-minute break. “Les965529 — and it pains me to say this — did not seem to put his heart into the Noon Exhortation. I think he is not Of the Body.”

    “This is a very grave allegation, you know. And I’m sure you are aware that just two days ago Les965529 lost his entire family in a fire sparked by his Skylar Aero Solar Scooter’s electric battery. He may be distracted –”

    “Distracted people are not Of the Body! There should be no distractions from Lisa! Frankie take him!” spat Les306700. His supervisor drew back in shock at the oath. “By the Sacred Lead Spaceship of St Skylaer!” he said. “Watch your language! There are children here!” He gestured toward the group of haggard, hollow-cheeked orphans in a corner of the Workroom, all busily inserting white cardboard backing into poly bags, preparing for the Sunday Slabbing.

    • sorialpromise

      Duck of Death,
      I love reading your posts. Always have.
      But you are not like I pictured. I was pleasantly surprised to see you on the SOSF web call. I expected someone more like Ian and BJ6k. Who both look wonderful, but no one would ever suggest you were their twin. I was quite pleased to meet you. Now I can read you as you intended.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      Duck, you have been on fire lately. A dystopian future based on the Funky Winkerbean mythos is a pretty funny idea, and I’d love to see it fleshed out.

  28. Hannibal's Lectern

    I do like the wearable airbags, though.