So the burnings have suddenly turned into the world’s lamest Choose Your Own Adventure game. And we all know what the correct answer is in this world:
She’s got two valid reasons to call the police, a threatening mob standing in puddles of their own unburned accelerant, and the world’s greatest arsonist right next to her. But you do you, Lillian. Lord knows you have stellar judgment when it comes to not censoring other peoples’ reading material.
This won’t stop us, though. I promised you that we were going to re-tell this story in a much better way than Tom Batiuk will, and I asked you to help. This begins today.
According to the original puff piece, this story “runs through October.” Today is October 2, so I’m going to base the story on what we know up to this point. Besides, it’s week six of the story, and Batiuk supposedly has a “Cartooning Commandment” that forbids story arcs longer than three weeks. (There is a fourth commandment, “If you should choose to ignore the three prior commandments, at least don’t screw it up,” but this obviously doesn’t meet that requirement.) So he’s had enough time to get to the point. We’re ending this shaggy dog story.
And the first step is our breakdown of the minor suspects. Today, we start with the non-suspects and minor suspects, none of whom are actually the perpetrator. These were largely suggested by blog readers, and it was great fun to collect them all. Some of you submitted contradictory stories, so I couldn’t use them all; I used as much as I could. I also tried to include everyone at least once. Let me know if I missed you, or if there’s some minor character you think belongs here. But realize there’s a lot more to come, so your submission may show up later as a major suspect, or in the main story. Here we go!
NON-SUSPECTS: Funky Winkerbean, Crazy Harry Klinghorn, Cindy Summers Jarre, John Howard, Becky Howard, Jessica Fairgood, Pam Murdoch, Max, Hannah and Mitch Murdoch, Jeff Murdoch’s Inner Child, Ralph Meckler, George Keesterman, Mary Marzipan Cummings, Rocky Rhodes, Pop Clutch, Andy Clark (bus driver), Andy Clark (band director friend of Harry Dinkle), Dinkle’s choir members (Lois, Mary Jane, Nancy, Bonnie, Pat, Ricca), Bingo the Cat, Harriet Dinkle, Halle Dinkle, Malcolm aka Thatsnot Humore, Logan Church, Phil Holt, Flash Freeman, Darin Fairgood, Ruby Lith, Chester Hagglemore, Maris Rogers, Melinda Budd, Marianne Winters, Mort Winkerbean, Bernie Silver, Khan.
These characters have no apparent motive, no history with books or fire, no beef with Lillian McKenzie, haven’t been seen in the vicinity recently, I couldn’t think of anything interesting to say about them, or all of the above. There are probably dozens more; if you can think of a minor character who should be here, I can add them.
SUSPECT: Owner of the Booksmellers bookstore in Westview (suggested by The Drake of Life)
PROSECUTION: Booksmellers was a failing business. For some reason, people who learn English at Westview High School are disinclined to ever read another book for the rest of their lives. They can only read the most simplistic texts, like cereal boxes and Silver Age comic books. In any suspicious fire at a place of business, insurance fraud is always a possibility.
DEFENSE: In Westview, when someone finds a situation inappropriate or unbearable, it is culturally inappropriate to take any action to change their situation. Thus, starting a fire to alleviate a bad situation would break a major taboo.
SUSPECT: Natalie Rolanda Mathews-Stadler (née Roland Edward Mathews) (suggested by csroberto2854)
PROSECUTION: Once attempted to set fire to a rope because Les Moore was stuck on it when they were in high school.
DEFENSE: That was a long time ago, the action was justified, and Rolanda seems to have mellowed significantly.
SUSPECT: Holly Winkerbean Budd
PROSECUTION: A former high school majorette with a propensity for starting fires. Has performed a majorette show recently, getting herself injured. Wrote an autobiography called Singed Hair, suggesting that burning things is a big part of her identity.
DEFENSE: Retired to Florida in 2022 and hasn’t been seen in Ohio since.
SUSPECT: Lena (suggested by [o])
PROSECUTION: Has access to vehicles and fuel which don’t belong to her, and can purchase materials without raising suspicion. Is quietly devoutly Christian and genuinely takes offense to Fahrenheit 451‘s depiction of burning Bibles. She had expressed these beliefs in Westview PTA meetings, and the board put the book on the “not approved” list just to get her to stop complaining. Also wants to prove to everyone that she can indeed cook something; but it turns out that her complete ineptitude at applying heat to any material led to the fire being puny. Also has an incentive to frame Ed Crankshaft, so she will no longer have to cover for his misdeeds, or tolerate his rudeness toward her.
DEFENSE: Has no connection to Les Moore or The Village Booksmith. Has never attempted to have Fahrenheit 451 removed from bookstores, as far as we know. Is sensible enough to recognize such an effort as pointless, since she works at a school and knows that books are freely downloadable anyway. Is unlikely to inadvertently confess to the deed, because no one listens to her anyway.
(On a personal note, this is my favorite theory. Lena is a minor character who’s also a punching bag, but this theory absolutely tracks. You could tell the story in a way that would make her a great twist villain.)
SUSPECT: Batton Thomas (suggested by Y. Knott)
PROSECUTION: The cartoonist is currently running an arson-themed plotline in his syndicated comic strip “The Wrinkles,” where Batton’s author avatar “Tommy Batting” is interviewed right in the midst of an event called “The Scorchings”, which has many parallels to the recent attempted arson incidents at the two local bookstores. In fact, all of Thomas’ work seems to echo — or perhaps anticipate — local events and catastrophes. Was this a confession? It certainly wasn’t entertainment…
DEFENSE: Since proving this theory would require many people to actually read and understand Batton Thomas’s work, we’re looking the other way until some better evidence emerges.
SUSPECT: Susan Smith (suggested by Mela)
PROSECUTION: Susan wanted revenge on Les Moore. She formerly had an inappropriate crush on Les, both as a former Westview student and later teacher. Actions resulting from this unrequited affection include the willful and violent destruction of a “wedding proposal” tape meant for Les’ eventual fiancee; a tragic suicide attempt; Les further endangering Susan’s life by driving her to the hospital instead of waiting for the ambulance that could have assisted her; and losing her adult job over a minor misunderstanding Les did nothing to help. Doesn’t actually believe in book-burning; hence, the fires were small. She intends to set fires until Westview High School fires Les.
DEFENSE: Susan was last seen in the area in 2022, calmly speaking with Ed Crankshaft about running out of gas, as opposed to jumping off the bridge they were both standing on.
SUSPECT: Mason Jarre, formerly known as Mason Jarr (suggested by Joshua K.)
PROSECUTION: As a Hollywood actor/filmmaker, he would have connections with special effects artists who could create an impressive-looking fire that is actually carefully controlled and does no serious damage. Despite living in California, frequently makes suspicious travels to Ohio for business that would be better handled by phone. Is connected with central figure Les Moore, having portrayed him an a movie.
DEFENSE: If he was going to burn down anything for the insurance money, it would be his financially unviable reparatory theater. Is extremely naive and unsophisticated; believes that his girlfriend is pregnant even though she’s the same age as the just-retired Holly and Funky. If he was involved in the bookstore burnings, he was likely the dupe of another participant.
SUSPECT: Pete Roberts aka Pete Reynolds (suggested by dostroffbad3cde815)
PROSECUTION: This troubled individual seems to have multiple personality disorder. He simultaneously self-identifies as a highly-paid movie scriptwriter; a comic book writer; the owner of a pizzeria; and the fiancee of an attractive blonde woman who was not with him the night of the fire. The fire seems to be an attempt to impress her grandfather, Ed Crankshaft.
DEFENSE: This suspect would be eligible for an insanity defense.
SUSPECT: James Tiberius Kablichnick (suggested by csroberto)
PROSECUTION: He is clearly insane, having once believing that a speck of paint on his telescope was an asteroid, leading him to shoot at balloons that he thought were extraterrestrial spacecraft.
DEFENSE: Like Ed Crankshaft, Kablichnik has “that wacky _____” status in Westview, so everything he does is tolerated. He’s not allowed to own firearms or fireworks anymore, though.
SUSPECT: Pizza Box Monster
PROSECUTION: Nothing he does makes any sense.
DEFENSE: Nothing he does makes any sense.
SUSPECT: Skyler Fairgood (suggested by Green Luthor)
PROSECUTION: Skyler had a psychotic break when found out what his favorite spaceship toy was made out of.
DEFENSE: Skyler is not Beavis. He has shown no proclivity for fire or violence. He has not acted out against toys or animals, like many violent criminals do as children. He may still be an infant.
SUSPECT: A random golfer (suggested by The Drake of Life)
DEFENSE: It wasn’t arson at all, but rather an accidental fire started by a golf club gently touching a small rock.
PROSECUTION: Fire does not work that way.
SUSPECT: Holtron (suggested by Andrew)
PROSECUTION: All sentient computers have the potential to turn against humanity. But Holtron appreciates the finer qualities of human culture, mainly old Star Trek episodes. But in his current home, surrounded by comic book nerds, he became bitter that his incredible computing power was used solely as a phone line to Montoni’s. Maybe he finally found his powerful transporter that Timemop broke on purpose, and something had to give…
DEFENSE: As far as we know, Holtron is an obsolete 1970s computer that’s been repurposed as a movie prop and budget Alexa. The class of 1972 has completely written him off as a collective “let’s pretend” game they played in their nebulous years at Westview High. No one at Atomik Komix has the computer skill to perceive his true nature. It’s a hunk of kitsch, incapable of watching or plotting. Or maybe that’s exactly what he wants us to think…
SUSPECT: The green Montoni’s pitcher
PROSECUTION: The pitcher is an omnipresent figure who hovers over the most important business in town. It’s unclear what its motivation is, but the green pitcher sees all.
DEFENSE: Suspect was unresponsive to questioning.
SUSPECT: Masky McDeath (suggested by Y. Knott)
PROSECUTION: Realizing that his actions caused the death of Lisa, which in turn led to Lisa’s Story, Masky is on a mission to rid the Earth of all copies of that accursed pile of self-aggrandizement. While Masky McDeath may be a remorseless, pitiless bringer of death to every living human, he’s not a monster.
DEFENSE: Is guilty of every death in the Funkyverse, and every death that will ever happen, including yours. So Masky McDeath doesn’t piss around with little arson jobs. When he does a job, it gets done. If he wanted a book-burning, it would leave a crater the size of Nebraska.
SUSPECT: Le Chat Bleu, aka Schroedinger’s Cat
PROSECUTION: The arsonist is an unresolved quantum wave function who appears and disappears at random intervals and is generally only visible to Les Moore.
DEFENSE: He’s a kitty! Look at the cute kitty! A cat starting a fire would get 8 million views on YouTube.
SUSPECT: Bookstore Façade Arson Fetishist (suggested by The Drake Of Life)
PROSEUCTION: Confused by why the suspect started fires at bookstores that never burned any books, this suspect replied “Façade… Façade of a bookstore…” The words sounded like a seductive caress. “Why would I want to burn a book, of all things? Are you some kind of sicko? Now bookstore façades… burning, on fire… oh, ohhhh….” And the suspect’s eyes rolled up in orgiastic ecstasy.
DEFENSE: We think this character got lost looking for 9 Chickweed Lane.
SUSPECT: Giorgio A. Tsoukalos (suggested by billthesplut)
PROSECUTION: The Burnings only began after they invaded. Insectile and as horrible to Human eyes as we are to theirs. Neither side understands the other’s motivations. The Burners seized the Earth, and then didn’t loot the planet, they… just didn’t do much except leave powerful tech behind that, if handled wrong, explodes and–well, starts fires. Many Humans decided to welcome their new insect overlords, thinking this would save them. It eventually became clear they weren’t here to conquer, but to use Earth as a landfill. Their tech’s energy sources would become violently unstable, so they just dumped them here. The ones they sent to do this weren’t their most powerful soldiers. If they were from the USA, they’d be wearing orange jumpsuits and picking trash up from the side of the highway. They were disposable. At the start, they just left the tech anywhere, twice randomly at bookstores. The traitors began burning bookstores to prove their loyalty. It would only be months later that the invaders decided they were right in taking Earth. The two-legged dumbasses who run the planet are too curious to leave the items alone, but too stupid to not mess around with them.
DEFENSE: That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.
SUSPECT: Tom Batiuk (suggested by bewareofevehill)
PROSECUTION: “The Burnings” is Tom Batiuk’s latest “prestige arc,” and represent Mr. Batiuk’s most recent push for media attention and awards. The fire at the Village Booksmith served multiple purposes to this end. It spurred his Crankshaft author-avatar, Lillian McKenzie, into pointlessly pontificating that books should be read, not burned. Secondly, Mr. Batiuk can show that Les Moore, another one of his author avatars, is being persecuted for merely trying to do his job. All so author avatar Skip Rawlings can investigate, and author avatar Jeff Murdoch can reflect on his time at Kent State University.
The story conveniently lets Crankshaft illustrator Dan Davis reuse existing images, and only have to draw crosshatches, clouds, and clip art to indicate fire damage, smoke, and protestors. Finally, the story serves as a clip show, allowing favorite character Ed Crankshaft to reflect on his former illiteracy.
DEFENSE: This entire story arc is indefensible.
Son of Stuck Funky 
First of all, this post is great.
I would just like to correct a couple of things in the Mason Jarre entry. Instead of saying, “If he was going to burn down anything for the insurance money, it would be his financially unviable reparatory theater,” it should say, “If he was going to burn down anything, it would be his financially unviable repertory theater, for the insurance money.” (Note spelling of “repertory,” and the fact that Mason would have insurance on his theater, but not on the bookstores that are owned by other people.)
Oh Banana. One of my very few SoSF regrets is that you didn’t show up sooner. Bravo, my good man. You are a MACHINE. This thing has been going on for six weeks? Seems shorter, and longer, than it actually is. Only Batiuk can do that, by the way.
I remember the bulk of his FW story arcs being one or two weekers. More than two was always unusual. Of course, sometimes he’d go way off the deep end, and do really long, multi-part arcs that took all year to play out, like the Starbuck Jones collection arc, or the book option launch Lisa bench arc, or that ghastly CTE thing he did to Bull.
But one that really stands out was the 2018 Wally Meets Adeela arc, which (I looked it up) ran from October 8th to November 24th. That one was just mind-blowing. I remember being amazed when it just kept going and going like that. It wasn’t like anything was, you know, happening or anything.
Suspect: Unnamed Westview Taxpayer 47.
Prosecution: Suspect has the persistent need to blight society with idiot children woefully unprepared for life’s demands because he lacks the desire to console a frightened child.
Defense: He gets better results voting down school levies.
I love it. Let me punch it up a little:
SUSPECT: Westview taxpayers
PROSECUTION: Tired of being asked for a tax levy every election, to support a school that produces nothing but smug hack writers and band candy salesmen, the community decided to take matters into their own hands.
DEFENSE: “A little rebellion now and then is a good thing.” — Thomas Jefferson
It beats what Batiuk did all hollow. I suspected that they hadn’t actually read the book but still didn’t want to be right.
Suspect: John Allerdyce AKA Pyro
Prosecution: John is a mutant (who can control fire) from the universe named Earth-10005, which in mutants are hated by the public, therefore causing him to snap
Defence: If John was the one who set the fire, then the Villiage Booksmith would’ve been reduced to cinders
Pyro? Hm… the comics version of Pyro was (co-)created by… John Byrne!
SUSPECT: John Byrne
PROSECUTION: Byrne is well-known for holding grudges, for slights both real and imagined. Once burned in effigy a former Marvel Comics editor-in-chief.
MOTIVE: He once was called to testify in a trial in Westview, in which someone was heard to have said “I’ve never heard of him.” This insult to his ego may well have caused him to decide to incinerate not only Westview, but any neighboring towns as well. (He chose to start with the bookstores because they possibly decided not to carry any of his books? Who even knows what Byrne’s motivations are, really.)
DEFENSE: Hm… I suppose it’s doubtful Batiuk would use a real person as the villain (lest he invite a lawsuit), especially one he seems to consider a friend? But again, who even knows with Byrne.
Today’s Funky Winkerbean
Day Thirty Nine of the Byrnings
Lillian, do you really think talking them down will stop the burners from destroying your house?
Related to the Batiukverse: More sketches I made (I know this is a repost but I’m sure nobody saw these)
Mickey Lopez-Bushka meets up with Rat from Pearls Before Swine
Wally Winkerbean and Jon Arbuckle
Rachel Winkerbean
A parody of Weezer’s blue album
i like the weezer album.
Murder On The Disoriented Express: they ALL did it!
I’m conflicted today. There’s dialogue, which is good because I was getting tired of the wordless “tension builds” strips.
On the other hand, there’s dialogue, which is bad because TB wrote it.
If Lillian says what I’m pretty sure she’s going to say, we’ll all be wishing she’d remained silent.
In fact, the whole Funkyverse would be greatly improved if no character spoke ever again.
Only minor? Holtron will remember that. Enjoying the shoutout regardless, enjoyed pushing my case on that one.
So back to the strip saying “the culprit doesn’t matter; the issue does!” Lillian thinks these people who at least memorized the book in infamy enough to put it on their signs for the 3 am protest (make that a clickbait YouTube video!) need to be introduced to the book by title and author in her big counterpoint speech. And we also get another reason why they hate it: “Teaching our kids the wrong lessons!” Really, reading more, not tolerating dystopia and having a little less screen time is a bad thing? Or do they hate that it gives barring books from the public a bad name? So close and yet still so nebulous in logic.
“We hate that book! It implies that watching television is bad! Well, we’re huge fans of the John Darling Show–we watch the reruns obsessively, and we’re raising our children to do the same–and we’re worried that if people learn watching television is bad, they’ll take the John Darling Show off the air!”
“Teaching our kids the wrong lessons!” Interesting Khan made it onto the ‘not a suspect’ list and Adeela isn’t even listed, as in many cases it’s been Muslims that have been more active at pushing back on let’s say, avant garde cultural values in some school districts.
Not to say they’re the ‘burn it all down’ types but you know. It’s not just John Lithgow in Footloose that everyone’s been fighting for 40 years. Good luck even finding that guy anymore!
Good point. I’ll add Adeela, plus Rana, Rachel, Corey, and Rocky to the non-suspects list.
I’m wondering if Lillian is going to turn out to be a spiritual cousin of Scout Finch of To Kill a Mockingbird.
Scout soothes a mob bent on lynching Tom Robinson in Harper Lee’s novel by speaking to Mr. Cunningham, father of her friend Walter (if you have him over for a meal, make sure you have plenty of syrup), about why entailments are bad, among other things.
I can’t see Lillian being that innocent, or that subtle, or even that effective. Further reflection makes me think of a Peanuts strip in which Violet is bent on beating up Charlie Brown. As she has him cornered, he delivers an impassioned plea for understanding and non-violence, and in the midst of it, she slugs him.
As she explains to another character (I think it’s Patty, but I’m not sure):
“I had to hit him…he was starting to make sense!”
That Mayella Ewell’s middle name is Violet is, I’m sure, merely a coincidence.
I, for one, welcome our old Tom storytelling techniques! I can go to bed at 1AM and not miss anything happening!
Tomorrow, Lillian: “Now, on page 24, he says ‘BOOKS!’–oh wait, it’s on page 42, sorry…He says ‘PANCAKES!’ Oh, darn these glasses! On page 72–”
Posts like today show why the snark lives on in our hearts. The ground is fertile for this kind of fruit, and to have this lemonade wrought from such shriveled lemons just goes to show what kind of ingenuity and inspiration is to be found here.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Day Forty of the Byrnings
Make it end make it end make it end please god make the Lillian stop
No kidding. I yelled “NOOOOO” when Lillian cracked the book open. And this was after exclaiming “Idiot!” in regards to Stella over in Mary Worth. At least it’s Friday!
Watching Ed and Stella bicker is like seeing one of the Funkyverse’s mismatched couples up close. Like Les/Cayla or John Howard/Becky. But Ed and Stella can actually get mad at each other, while the Funkyversers just smirk through everything like they’re both on heavy antidepressants.
Ed and Stella have minor problems that are easily workable, or signs of much deeper incompatibility. She needs him to honor commitments, and he needs her to tone down her wedding plans. Both are reasonable requests. But they’re completely unable to communicate the problem each other. They’re honestly better off apart, except that Mary will probably send her back to Wilbur, like it’s the beginning of Animal House.
Today’s strip is rich coming from TB. “We know all we need to know”… as if that hasn’t been his approach to pretty much every one of his weight of substantial ideas story arcs since 1995.
Tripe like this is why we still snark.
Batty loves his straw men.
SUSPECT: The Joker AKA The Agent of Chaos (real name unknown, possibly Arthur Fleck or Jack Naiper)
MOTIVE: When asked about if he set the Village Booksmith on fire, The Joker told us that morality and law are nothing but myth and that all of humanity is beyond saving, thus he does what he does
DEFENSE: There is no defense, he only wants to watch the world burn
Why does getting mentioned in the blog feel like I just got my name mentioned in the school paper every time? Look, ma! I’m somebody!
It gives me the warm fuzzies. Thanks, BJr6000.
———————-
I hope I’m not stealing your TV Trope thunder, BJr.6000, but doesn’t TB’s latest development seem like his attempt at Shaming the Mob?
————————–
Today’s Crankshaft 2024/10/04. My, what a well-behaved mob. Not a rock, a stick, mud, eggs, or even a vegetable. Not a thrown object to be seen. The total lack of passion. Where did these folks come from? Rent-A-Mob? We’re just going through the motions, ma’am.
Lately, I seem to be posting on that other Crankshaft site more often than here. I thought I’d write here today. Mainly because what I usually predict in TB’s stories on this website is always wrong. A̲l̲w̲a̲y̲s̲.̲
Here goes. I had an awful thought this morning. What if the “brave and courageous” Lillian isn’t really trying to persuade the mob to dissipate by reading several passages from the book? What if her reading is only a delay tactic? What if Lillian is distracting the mob to give time for the tale’s true hero, Best Actress Award Winner Les Moore, to arrive? BAAW Les Moore, not Lillian, will be the TB’s ultimate hero of this story.
Despite his open defiance of the board’s “not approved to teach” order and the damage to the Booksmeller and Village Booksmith bookstores, BAAW Les Moore gets away with it unscathed and comes out smelling like a rose.
If Batty does this, I will drive all the way to his house and knock him out.
Cayla: Honey, would you like me to drive you to the Village Booksmith?
Best Actress Award Winner Les Moore: No! I’ll get to the hospital… I mean, The Village Booksmith faster myself!
BAAW Les Moore. What a guy. What a hero. What an asshole.
I think this story exists to promote Les from prophet to deity, and Lillian from apostle to prophet. The god of this pantheon is of course, Lisa.
It’s not just me, then. You believe Les will be this floundering tale’s ultimate “hero”? We’re doomed!
I nauseates me to say this, but it makes sense. Why bring Best Actress Award Winner Les Moore, Batty’s favorite character, out of mothballs only to play a supporting role to Lillian? Would Batty ever allow a woman to be the ultimate hero in one of his stories?
I mean, besides the Sainted Dead Lisa?
Correction: “I̲T̲ nauseates me to say this, but it makes sense.”
Stupid crappy keyboard. I’ll break you over my knee.
bwoeh: Hello, tech support. I need a new keyboard.
Tech Support: Again?
Definitely Shaming The Mob, plus Easy Evangelism. Because now that the Tom Batiuk avatar has declared the Tom Batiuk-approved opinion via the Tom Batiuk-approved method, every other character immediately realizes they were wrong and the story ends.
There needs to be some kind of collectible card/role playing game based on TV Tropes. I’ll play my Lawful Evil Wrong Genre Savvy Dragon (+2 Snark) against your Ace With A Heart Of Gold and Plot Armor.
I doubt it. I’m sure Les is home at peace in self-righteous slumber. Which is annoying because he absolutely should be in the middle of this seeing as he started the whole mess.
Les has no way of knowing there’s an arson/protest going on in another town in the middle of the night. So I actually don’t blame Les for that. I blame Tom Batiuk.
It’s not Les’ fault these idiot protestors are targeting bookstores instead of Les himself. They’re not even going to Les’ superiors (Principal, Nate, the school board) who have the power and the inclination to give them exactly what they want. This whole story is nothing but a flimsy pretext to set up yet another detestable character as yet another champion of How To Book Correctly so Tom Batiuk can try to win yet another award he won’t even get nominated for.
Sometimes I worry about my posts being too wordy. This time I wasn’t wordy enough. What I should have said more clearly was that Les should be in the middle of this mess because the protestors should be taking their concerns to the school. You’re right. The protestors are idiots, and you stated it much better than I did!
Can you imagine protestors outside Les’ classroom window waving signs and shouting while he’s trying to give a lesson on free speech? I can actually picture this it it’s kind of funny.
We may have an SoSF first here. A well-reasoned, non-ironic post making the argument “Les Moore should be more prominent in this arc. More strips should feature Les and his reactions; this arc would be improved if Les Moore had more to do and say.”
And with today’s amazing strip, we discover the mechanism for getting Les back into the story. To The Batiuk-Phone! (This sound effect plays)
I really hope you’re right. Les staying out of this sordid tale would be a dream come true.
I fear Tom Batiuk’s favorite superhero Les Moore will wake up due to some kind of cosmic awareness that notifies him his powers of smug condescension and glory hogging are needed.
There it is! Not only was everyone right on “Lillian reads from the book to make a point”, but we’re going of the angle of “the haters are ignorant masses that hate what they’re told to hate”!
Ugh. Even if that lack of logic definitely feels like it’s applicable to real-life issues, again we’re back at the point we were at the beginning with Westview’s public school board: Why and how did the book become “not allowed” (not technically banned but to break from what some are saying it feels like arguing schematics to push that point) in the first place? Somebody had to put up a fuss that all these educational executives either bowed down to or agreed with, and surely somebody had their own argument on why F451 is now negatively outdated for the curriculum besides “too adult”. When people use that claim in real life right now with LGBTQ+ books they’re arguing that gender/sexuality issues are too explicit to kids or teens, with the conflict being how extreme that push against such discussions can be at times. What points can be brought up against F451 in that regard? Is the Funkyverse “edge filed off” interpretation of current events just “We don’t want kids reading about serious issues so we say no more dystopian/hard drama in the classrooms; here on out plz teach Harry Potter only, now!”
Last time Batiuk tackled a current issue and horribly flubbed the actual IRL concerns it was the damn ICE story; Starting on the note that their aggressive deportation antics was only because of a mistake they refused to acknowledge is apt in some ways but ultimately gives their actions an excuse, sidestepping the actual problem by making it an isolating incident. Milking the drama so that all their reasonable options are futile, only to get out of it due to their fantastic Funkyverse ace card of Bill Clinton’s good word just showed the story was only about their world, not the real world, as emphasized by the on-brand final strip of the saga going with “pizza brings everyone together!” as a punchline. Put in that framework and it’s the exact same thing here: Book banning is turned purely into the noble defense of good meaningful literature and is totally divorced from the culture war slant of the 2020s, yet despite that the 2020s extremes are kept when anti-Bradbury protestors are willing to burn bookstores to the ground and enact organized protests at 3 am, all while not even having strongly formed opinions on the actual book other than “they say it’s bad for kids!” We’re getting the token arguments of sitcoms and after-school specials grandstanding on “banning books is bad” with the topical edges filed off, primed for “You go girl! So brave!” and “Well stated, Mr. Batiuk!” comments and yet not brave enough to actually challenge anyone saying “But we need to protect the kids from gay porn!” as a retort.
I can only imagine how the next two days will be giant word salads of quotes from the book, but I guess the biggest question going forward remains: Is this all “The Burnings” really is? Are we actually going to get some future-Moore or news discourse on how Lillian’s was the only bookstore to not get torched across the nation? How much was the setup Funky’s future left us with is actually going to be addressed?
Atta boy, Andrew!
In the back of my mind I see an author enamored of some dreadful wordplay between “burning” and “banning,” and he’s holding it back for the final smirk strip of the Burnings.
It’s not that I want to necessarily treat this page as a dumping ground, but the first three words that came to mind upon seeing 10/05 Crankshaft and god damned Bat signal lock screens.
Jesus Fucking Christ
And to think that there are people who will never understand just what makes Tom so irredeemably bad at his craft. Who in their right mind would look at today’s strip and not feel dumber for having seen it?
“AVENJERKS ASSEMBLE!”
Yes, I know that’s Marvel, not DC.
I think we’ve officially entered “Boy Lisa finds The Gun What Murdered John Darling Who Was Murdered” territory here. Like, we all knew something moronically inane was going to happen, but I doubt anyone predicted it would be this particular brand of moronic inanity.
Will tomorrow be a sideways cover of Mopey Pete and the Mopetastic League? Tune in next time, same Mopey time, same Mopey channel!
Today’s Crankshaft is one of those strips where I’d love to see peoples’ reaction after having read it.
As many of us easily predicted, Batty has blown it again. He had many unironic readers enthusiastically waiting to see how Lillian would talk down the mob. One commenter even suggested readers panning the story would soon owe Batty an apology. Almost everyone thought the story was about the freedom to read, book banning/burning is bad, or something. Lillian talking down the crowd by reading something from the book could have been a resolution with some merit. Instead, he introduces a new element, which appears to be unnecessary silliness. It really detracts from the serious nature of what appeared to be a really weighty subject for a comic strip like Crankshaft. Tom Batiuk, a writer of serious drama? Epic fail. Again.
In some ways, I feel disappointment. I don’t know why. I’ll still be curious to see where this goes, but I think Batty needs to bring in Timemop for a do-over.
Would anybody really be surprised if Batty actually introduces Timemop somewhere down the line in this story?
Suggestion: Let’s call Mindy, Mopey Pete and their gang “The Batty Bunch”.
It’s like being on a flight that has to circle a few times before landing, then you have to circle around again. Ugh, just get it over with already.
I still think the actual fires were set by old Mooch Meyer, who just loves the pretty red flames and wants to nurture them and see them dancing. The completely anonymous mob have nothing to do with that part of it. Well, off to read Lillian’s sermon to the vague crowd.
Today’s Funky Crankerbean
Day Forty One of the Byrnings
I feel like I lost a massive chunk of my soul reading today’s strip, and will never get it back
Still Today’s Funky Crankerbean
If I were one of the byrners, I would’ve torched Lillian’s god-fucking-awful bookstore immediately
This is why the Moronic Burning-Adjacent Non-event gets the reputation it does when people decide Dumb, Lower-Middle Class White Dude from Ahia is humanity’s nation: non-entities inflating the import of a Les-spawned clusterfuck.
The only good thing coming out of this is that Les will be seen as simply a footnote in Summer’s life. Lilian Lizard and the nerds will be who the direct-to-cellphone movies are about.
Fitting that TB went with the Bat signal. Batman takes on the Scarecrow, just as TB goes after straw men. Take it away, T.S. Eliot.
We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar
Shape without form, shade without colour,
Paralysed force, gesture without motion;
Les is a hero despite his own mendacity. Amazon apparently doesn’t exsist in the Funkyverse. Lillian gets to be a sanctimonius hero. Crankshaft has his backstory redone yet again. And it all comes down to comic books. It always does. Even though it was hyped up in the last week of FW as one of the defning events of world history, “the burnings” failed to deliver. Back to you TSE.
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
And that’s how the Funkyverse ends–not with a bang but a whimper.
Once Lester Moore shows up, it will end not with a bang but a wimp.
Mea culpa: I predicted that Les would reappear by 6/30/23. I was off by 15 months.
I predicted just a day ago that on 11/1/24, COMICAL BOOKS! Off by a month.
On the other hand, like many of us, I predicted “That whatever happens, it’ll be stupider than anything we could come up with.” But that’s a Gimme.
Interesting use of the “Bat Signal.” And it makes me wonder.
What if there was an announcement from Warner/DC that the 1960’s Adam West “Batman” was now considered the true canon for Batman.
And that blue-rays of the entire series were being made available free of charge to all who wished to see.
My guess is that Tom Batiuk would be first in line to chant “We know all we need to know!”
Lillian and Crankshaft are being harassed by a mob of Tom Batiuks.
I hate to say it, but it’s far too true to ignore: Tom Batiuk is an asshole.
At least I got a laugh out of today’s strip. “Save us, Pete! Save us from the angry mob!” Pete! Haha, really? Not the police? Rough neighborhood, I guess. Rodney Dangerfield probably grew up across the street.
I’m sure Pete’s posse will be a collection of usual suspects. Hey, maybe Cayla will get a line of dialogue. But the real question is: will Les wear the Batman costume he got married in?
A minute of Google and reading: “There must be something in books, something we can’t imagine, to make a woman stay in a burning house; there must be something there. You don’t stay for nothing.”–Ray Bradbury
TOO MUCH WORK FOR TOM! Now, it’s-COMICAL BOOKS!
He sat on this for a YEAR.
Okay Lillian, clearly this is a passage from the book, you don’t need to clarify that, especially when the dang book is behind your speech bubble…
Oh great, we went for the part of the book where Professor Farrow paraphrased the “First they came” speech to explain his cowardice in the face of the dystopia’s rise. No wonder Tom latched onto that notion since he loved bringing that out before, thanks to CBH highlighting the time it appeared in the “Roberta attacks sexy poetry” storyline. It is explaining the need to stand one’s ground before it’s too late, but is that really effective in defusing an angry mob when it effectively tells them “I’m the only thing preventing you from creating dictatorship!”? Or is that just a way to be meaningful as you silently prey for the Bat-brigade to show up with Montoni’s to lure away/throw at the crowd?
And oh dearie me, the irony punchline! “Almost poetic”, is it? Yes, it’s like someone specifically chose the premise on that story on that merit alone! It’s so dramatically poignant that people in their right mind wouldn’t actually aggressively target the book in such a way! Who cares if today’s book banning/burning controversies are arguing about “woke” books being too close to 5th graders, let’s latch onto the safe and poetic hypothetical of when they’ll get back to a 70-year-old book that was panicked about people rotting their brains with too much television, and imagine if they’ll want it banned from high schools again! Let’s get on the soapbox and defend the noble act of reading by reminding comic readers that being illiterate can ruin their baseball careers! Slip in reminders that comics are banned too with superhero imagery and ignoring graphic novel memoirs like Gender Queer that is one of the most challenged book in the country! Write the anti-reading mobs as so organized as to immediately follow an arson attack in the middle of the night with an organized protest, and then immediately portray them as idiots who don’t even know what they’re fighting for! It’s perfect! Surely how can anyone read this and NOT be moved to rise up and stop banning books!?
…Man, I feel like I just channeled by a Channel Awesome-era internet reviewer.
It had to be “almost poetic” or else the protesters would wind up in the Westview High literary magazine.
Today’s Crankshaft/Funky Crankerbean
Day Forty Two of the Byrnings
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