beckoningchasm

Skin Flakes, Phlegm and Excrement for Color

So, everyone wanted to see Crankshaft, probably in the futile hope that his demise would be depicted onscreen.

Well, here’s Crankshaft. He looks like a plastic bag filled with pus trying to decide if gravity is worth resisting any longer.

Tom Batiuk keeps trying to shove Crankshaft down our throats. And it never works. No one cares about Crankshaft, it has never generated any interest in anyone to watch it unfold. I suspect it’s a very low performer, newspaper-wise, and perhaps Mr. Batiuk is trying to shovel his legacy over there now that he has destroyed Funky Winkerbean. But that’s like trying to choose between a burning building and a sea full of sharks.

And to be honest, the fact that Mindy seeks the approval of the Old, Unplaceable Odor makes her a truly terrible person. At least Pm N Jff recognize that Crankshaft is something to be tolerated, not cultivated.

But The Grandfather

Link to today’s strip.

Pete looks utterly distraught in that last panel–Oh, my God! She’s making me meet her grandfather! Well, this relationship is over…too bad, I thought it might have worked, but no, she’s gotta bring in the grandfather….

I can’t think of any other explanation for the expression oozing off his face–unless he once had a dream that he would die at the hands of some girl’s grandfather, and all of this is exactly like that dream….

The point is, he sure doesn’t look happy at all about this, and it’s worrying him to the point where he doesn’t even notice Mindy’s transformation into a 1960’s toothpaste advertisement.

Re-Pete-I-Tion

Link to today’s strip.

I find the most reasonable explanation for Mindy’s attraction to Pete is the one offered by a number of commentors–she’s hoping to sleep her way into some of those Starbuck Jones/Cable Movie Entertainment millions so she can buy her way out of this strip. That’s surprisingly cynical for a strip like this, but, let’s face it–Pete is otherwise a repellent character, who has no attractive features of any kind, and only an insane/desperate person would find him worthy of affection. I mean, he and Mindy had two remarkably stupid conversations, and suddenly she wants to divert from the airport to Bedside Manor? (To meet He Who Shall Not Be Named In This Strip, of course.) I’d find it more plausible if she was driving him to some remote field where she’d force him to dig his own grave before gifting him with a bullet.

Pete is one manifestation of the Ultimate Batiuk Form–the Whiner. If Mindy is serious about wanting to be with him, she had better get used to endless whining about how hard he has to work at what would otherwise be his dream job. Because those who exist in the Funkyverse without constant complaining don’t truly exist at all.

Of course, the sleeping-to-the-top theory falls down when you realize this would mean a female character has drive and ambition–and those things are not directed toward bringing milk and cookies to her comic-reading man. Sorry, everyone.

It does remind me of the old Hollywood joke–this one comes from the 1930’s I believe, so it’s right there on Nostalgia Boulevard. “Did you hear about the aspiring actress? She was so stupid, she slept with the writer!”

The Shape of Things to Come

Link to today’s strip.

Can’t think of much to say about this one, except I’m sure the “book tour” will be excruciating. I don’t know what Les means about a physical trainer helping him to look less old than he is–he needs a beautician (or, even better, a mortician) for that. I wonder if the original word was not “older” but “fatter”? That makes more sense, though it also implies Les might be flawed, and we just can’t have that. Les will grow older, as everything does, but he is not in bad physical shape. Certainly not like some people we could mention.

The stupid non-punchline is made worse by Dullard’s reaction–

Back when I watched a lot of anime, that face meant over-the-top enjoyment, as if a person got a surprise birthday party, or a piece of cake, or saw a really dreamy boy, or something along those lines. If Dullard is so wrought by Les’ idiot statements, then he is even more worthless than I thought possible.

Of course, it could be that I’m looking at this the wrong way, and that Dullard has been affected by Les in the same way that the takers of dimethyltryptamine-19 from Banshee Chapter were affected:

If so, that would be the most interesting development this strip has had in decades…which of course, takes it right off the table. Darn it!

The Words Get In The Way

Link to today’s strip.

(Sorry I’m late! Things…happened…)

Panels one and two are the funniest things I’ve seen in this strip for a long time. “This is the cover for ‘Prelude'” says Dullard, handing Les an image that’s got PRELUDE written on it in huge letters. Does Dullard have the same contempt for Les that the rest of us have? Maybe he’s not such a bad guy after all!

Just kidding. Dullard is thoroughly hateable, and if he likes to insult Les to his face, that’s not mitigating enough.

Normally, the titles and such wouldn’t be done by the artist, but by a typographer–so, if this was normal, Dullard might have to explain which cover went with which book. But as you can see, Tom Batiuk didn’t even bother to change the author name to “Les Moore,” so this is exactly what it looks like–an advertisement. Remember that $80 behemoth that Fearless Leader found? Gotta get the word out!

I still find it hard to believe that anyone could read 862 pages of Les Moore. That sounds like an elaborate suicide attempt, albeit much more painful than the traditional ones.