beckoningchasm

From Here to Punchternity

Poor Cayla. Doomed forever to live in Lisa’s shadow. Of course, she brought it on herself so it’s difficult to feel any sympathy when Les realizes, “Hey, this might get expensive, and she’s not Lisa, so why did I even bother telling her I’d take her overseas. I’ll buy her dinner somewhere. At the Paris Bar-B-Que & Bar-B-Beer-o-Rama in nearby Flungdown, Ohio. And I’ll pretend it’s Paris, France, and she’ll be just floored by how clever I am. She’s already happy with everything I do, so even if I instead spend the Beer-O-Rama’s five bucks on framing a Lisa picture, she’ll smile in delight.

“And if she insists on China–ha, like she’d insist on anything–I’ll take her to the Golden China Dump in Wastelife, Ohio and she’ll think I’m double clever. She always does.”

My brother went to China a couple of years ago, and it’s not the sort of trip a cheapskate Wetviewian would undertake. According to my brother, you’d be wise to go first class, because you can develop some severe health problems in a cramped lower-class seat. Although, come to think of it, if Cayla got severe health problems…

Ahem.

So, I went to Priceline (because Captain Kirk is cool), plugged in my nearest airport, put in Hong Kong as the destination and selected the dates of November 12 – 18. (I think Les’ anniversary is around that time. Like Les himself, I can’t remember.) The result–

Whoa. Let’s try something a little more reasonable. I plugged in my numbers for a late-August, early-September trip to Beijing.

Still up there in “Yikes!” territory for a Language Arts teacher who doesn’t make a lot of money (as the teachers continuously point out). Keep in mind, in both cases that’s per person, so Les is going to be out anywhere from $25 to $16 grand*. This is a guy who wouldn’t bother to warn his first wife that she might die–and he’s going to spend that much money on Cayla? Somehow I think the excuses will come a’runnin’ and Cayla will meekly accept them, now that she understands that she’s worthless. (Sure seems like Les has been far more damaging than her old typing teacher could ever hope to be.)

Observe that she’s just now moving next to Les on the porch swing, now that Darin has left. My assumption is that she was afraid she might distract attention away from Les, and that would never do. Cayla is symptomatic of some kind of syndrome, that’s for sure. I think it’s Lack of Pulitzer Nomination Syndrome, and I hear it’s pretty wearisome.

*Some might suggest that Les’ publishers would foot the bill. In the real world, an author who had deliberately sabotaged a movie adaptation of his own work would be lucky to get a second book, and he’d be flung out a window if he asked for a free trip to China. In the fantasy world of Westview, they’d not only foot the bill, they’d make sure it was national television news. I don’t feel bound by Tom Batiuk’s logic, however…one of the main reasons this strip consistently fails to impress.

Punch Me to the Moon

Link to today’s strip

Yeah–that sounds exactly like the way publishing must work. Let’s take a book that’s already completed and put it aside for a book that’s barely begun, and might take (agonized) years to finish. In the meantime, the folks who put literally moments into illustrating the first book will wait patiently to be paid. This is as close to real as it gets, folks! After all, if top-of-the-bestseller-lists author Les Moore isn’t handled properly, and given all the time he wants to mediocretize, he might skip to another vanity press! Heavens!

Notice how in just one day, the focus has switched from Darin’s Californian Adventure back to Lisa. That Pulitzer nomination must be the bitterest flavor Tom Batiuk has ever tasted. Notice, too, that Cayla shows up just now so she can be further humiliated and placed at the back of the bus so Lisa can ride up front. I find it very difficult to feel sympathy for her, however, as this is a bus she chose when she fought to get Les as a prize.

I take it back. The failure of the Pulitzer committee to notice that Tom Batiuk had married his most wondrous character ever to a black woman–that taste must be bitterest of all.

Empunchable You

Link to today’s strip.

Greetings, BChasm back for another stretch driving the Funky Phantom. In today’s episode, the most notable thing is another amazingly punchable face by Les in panel three. It’s so punchable, in fact, that it looks as if Tom Batiuk beat us all to the punch (so to speak) and just kept punching. I’ve never seen a visage as scrambled as that, outside of Beetle Bailey after Sarge scrunches him to the ground.

As to the “content,” why would Darin ask Les about his Hollywood experience? I’m going to assume for the sake of argument that Darin actually wants to work on this movie, and to see it through to completion, thus possibly getting a good-paying job. Les, you’ll recall, worked tirelessly to torpedo his movie and make certain that Hollywood would never call him again. It’s hard to think of a greater example of non-success, or, to give it its proper name, failure. Unless Darin is planning on doing the exact opposite of everything Les says, he’s doomed.

The feeling on my part is that the movie won’t be made anyway. Given the absolute sacredness with which comic books are viewed in this strip, coupled with how Evil Hollywood always wants to alter the purity of the material it has been given, means that all the cast and crew will resign en masse in order to keep from sullying the wonder that is Starbuck Jones. If it doesn’t come from Les, it’s not allowed to happen.

By the way, I think I’ve figured out what it is that I dislike most about the art in this strip as it appears throughout Act III. It’s not the smirks, it’s the half-lidded eyes, the ones that seem to be carrying on their own conversation. “You know, right?” “Of course I know. And you know, too.” It’s that unspoken superiority to all things that is totally unearned. It makes me want to punch Les all the more, although all the characters do it.

CL

Link to today’s strip, when it appears.

So, I asked recently if Les Moore has ever done anything, since his “chairmanship” of the Coming Reunion Committee seems to involve him handing his duties to other people. Apparently, the answer is “no,” since we now learn that the one job he had to do–find a location–was not done. In fact, I’m gathering it wasn’t even discussed.

Now, this is remarkably stupid, even for this comic strip. I’ve never planned a reunion, but I’d think one of the first items on the agenda would be to decide on a location, since everything else kinda depends on that. But Les didn’t think of that, and not one of the ninnies he was directing thought to ask. Wow.

So Les is a FAILURE at scouting and selecting a location, and he’s a FAILURE at heading the Coming Reunion committee. No wonder he doesn’t want to do anything, and moans when he has to. He’s a FAILURE at everything he does. He should have pointed this out to Cindy right from the start and saved them all the heartburn.

Speaking of heartburn, sigh, of course we know how this little episode will resolve itself–Funky will be gracious, and somewhere near the end of this week or the next, Funky will smugly proclaim, “We don’t call Montoni’s the Chapel of Reunions for nothing!” as the class of ’78 sits down to grease-laden pizza slices. There are times when the strip is bafflingly unpredictable, and other times when you can see the denouement coming from miles away.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that this is my 150th post on this blog. (Hence the Latin numeral title.) Good grief (as another well-known blockhead was wont to exclaim). I’m not sure whether to celebrate or mourn, to be honest. One hundred and fifty? You blockhead!

As always, I thank you for your indulgence and your courtesy. Tomorrow, the incomparable Epicus Doomus takes over; be prepared to be entertained as he regales you with tales that witness madness…while I ponder, weak and weary, what my 151st post will bring, when next I resume the host’s chair. Until then…pleasant…dreams? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Dinner’s Surprising Reappearance

Link to today’s strip.

Okay, now yesterday I’m sure you were thinking, “BChasm says it’ll get worse. How can it possibly get any worse than this? It just isn’t possible.” Well, there you go selling Tom Batiuk short–a mistake you’ll probably think twice before committing again!

And here, today, we finally have it–the entire reason for The Coming Reunion. Once more bringing out Lisa’s battered corpse so that the whole enterprise can be The Les Moore Show, starring Les Moore, with Special Guest, Les Moore! “Hey, Les, enough catching up. Let’s talk about you and your feelings.”

This is truly nauseating. The space that the slogan occupies on the poster implies that only two people have died from Les’ class (leaving out the fact that Lisa apparently wasn’t in Les’ class). And so, let’s make sure that the proper one gets worshiped. Livinia must NOT grab any attention! I do like the little touch of Lisa herself helpfully pointing with her eyes just where the book should go, then beaming her approval at Mary Sue. And isn’t it nice that Livinia won’t distract from Lisa by having her own book all about ~~her~~ how her spouse suffered and moaned. Like the Highlander, there can be only one–even if that one went to a different high school, and graduated in a different year. Every occasion is an opportunity for Les worshiping Les (assisted by Lisa). But like the prior question repeatedly asked–why do they need to have a reunion, they see each other every day–there’s another question raised by today’s episode.

Why would Mary Sue Sweetwater need to leave a copy of “Lisa’s Story” for the “In Memoriam” display?

Everyone from Les’ class, as well as everyone else in town, already owns a copy. They know the story, they are completely aware of it at all times, and they have allowed it to become the dominant narrative in their own lives. Hey Bull, got turned down for that job? Well, I got it worse–“Hollywood.” “Oh, you’re right–Sacred Lisa was about to have her story commercialized. I’m so sorry for you, Les.”

The Coming Reunion story has now fully grown from a silly story about too much nostalgia into a really creepy episode of self-worship. (Hey, “Les Whipfors,” a new character.)

My mutant ability to see tomorrow’s Funky Winkerbean (worst X-Man power ever) ends at this point, so I have no idea if I should issue a warning about tomorrow or not…but considering the ride we’ve been on, I think it’s wise to be prepared.

By the way, if you want to see the full cover of “Murdering Les Moore for Dummies” it’s right here. Before you ask, yes, the fonts are off as it was adapted from a similar book made years ago. But hey, if Tom Batiuk can recycle things without a care, I guess I can too!