Epicus Doomus

Paperhack “Writer”

Well, TheAuthor’s gone and lost himself in one of his weird boring fantasies again and this one’s a real doozy. (I figured 40’s slang was apropos here). TomLes, lacking the ability or “real life” movie-making experience to make this “Lisa’s Story” screenplay the least bit coherent, really goes off the deep end here with his bizarre fixation on 1940s popular culture and things that makes sense only to him. I mean there are maybe ten living people who might relate to this and I guarantee you that none of them are regular FW readers because, well, duh. This might be one of the single stupidest FW strips ever and I don’t throw around statements like that lightly. Only like a hundred times a year, I’ve really cut back.

1940’s Leslie is every bit as annoying as 2014 Les is. When I read “Les” and “pulp” in the same sentence I’m not thinking about fiction, I can tell you that. More like huge industrial grinders and pulverizing machinery and such. Pulp magazines and comic books, Saturday afternoon serials at the movie house..how old IS this guy anyway? Seriously though, although this might have seemed like a great idea after a few cold low-alcohol craft beers and a Trazadone, this little fantasy probably should have been deposited in the studio wastebasket once he saw it in the harsh light of day. I mean gad-zooks, man, get on the trolley. What a maroon.

Pulp Dick-tion

Link To Today’s Strip

Epicus here, ready to snark away on Batiuk’s latest galling display of mindless self-indulgence. It took me a few seconds to figure out what this piece of crap was supposed to be. Apparently Les is making a little game out of his horribly butchered cancer book by pretending that he’s writing some sort of 1940’s (what a surprise) trashy pulp jungle comic. Which makes no sense whatsoever, but it did give Batom a chance to draw that snazzy comic book cover featuring (sigh) Lisa as some sort of jungle girl and Les (aaarrgh) as a chain-smoking 1940’s (sigh) hack writer. At this point it’s anyone’s guess as to what’s running through TheAuthor’s mind, although “not that much” would be a decent investigative starting point IMO. What a sad and nauseating display.

Jump! Go Ahead And Jump!

Link To Today’s Strip

Don’t let that felt-tip cash checks your ass can’t cover, Batty. Seeing Les Moore explode all over the pavement like an overripe tomato is one of my fondest dreams, so if you’re going to have Les kill himself because his cancer book isn’t being properly recognized as the greatest artistic achievement in the history of man then DO IT ALREADY because the whining is just insufferable to the point of insanity. I HATE people who talk talk talk and never do do do. So jump, you asshole but slit your wrists, douse yourself with gasoline and light a match before you do just in case the impact isn’t enough to do the job. We have to be 100% sure here, this isn’t something we want to leave to chance.

First-class accomodations across the board. The chance to write his very own “Lisa’s Story” TV movie. His own office and an assistant. And all during his summer vacation, no less. Could things possibly be any worse for the dick with ears? Oh, the humanity. I’m still not grasping why Les can’t remember his very own Hollywood fantasy sequence from a few years back, the one where he predicted this outcome almost exactly. But that’s TB’s trademark, he never lets annoying things like continuity get in his way. And then there’s his other trademark, that being an incredible gift for finding ways to use the exact same material over and over again, especially if it involves Les and that goddamned cancer book that never goes the f*ck away.

I’m seriously thinking about putting together one of those online money-gathering schemes to fund a TV movie about how tawdry and insane the comic strip business is. You know, how it’s all about the money and how it’s filled entirely with lazy brainless hacks with smarmy annoying attitudes. The plot will involve a whiny comic strip writer who’s been tabbed for a screen adaptation of his work but ruins it for himself by complaining about every single aspect of the process. I’m pitcuring an insightful and not-at-all stupid look into how that comic strip business REALLY works. The lead character will NOT be based on Les Moore, though, as I’d ideally want someone to actually watch it.

Thelma And Ennuis

Link To Today’s Strip

Today sees Tombat trying way, way too hard to drive home his “point” about how horrible “Hollywood” is yet again, this time via “Thelma”, Clay Wallace’s awful, rude, somewhat mysterious and clearly miserable office drone. Man, if that woman (she IS a woman…right?) isn’t a born Westviewian I don’t know who is, she’d fit right in at WHS, Montoni’s or the front desk at the local cancer hospital without missing a beat. Awful hair, worse attitude, obnoxiously rude…forget about those “Hollywood starlets on the make” because Thelma is the REAL threat, a woman seemingly MADE for Les Moore. Methinks they’ll get along wonderfully as they attack the business at hand.

Of course I have no idea what that business might entail, as Batom has wasted the entire week with a bunch of nonsensical and unrelated babbling, but still. I’m sure he’ll get to the “script doctor” and the “table read” eventually and then maybe this idiotic tale might start to become somewhat coherent. And then again, maybe it won’t. Either way, it won’t really matter as we all know this idiocy will end with Les sitting on that crappy porch swing ruminating over how turning down that filthy Hollywood loot was the only real choice he had because of Lisa and his “art” and so on and so forth. Dopey premise, weeks of pointless repetition and senseless yammering, quick and cheap “resolution”, that’s the time-tested FW formula responsible for churning out all this fantastic art over the years. Why tamper with success, you know? Sigh.

Here I Sit, Broke And Art-ed

Link To Today’s Strip

Money? MONEY?? You mean writers sometimes get MONEY for writing? But…but…I thought writing was all about self-loathing, deadlines and crippling doubt? Not only does this comic strip suck but it teaches you NOTHING of any use!

Oh my, the poor, poor Delicate Genius, learning a harsh cold lesson about how his passion in life is merely a means to an end and nothing more. What a blow this must be for the Delicate Genius, who up to this point was so proud and so confident about his artistic mastery of the written word. Poor, poor Les, being forced to accept money for his work like that, will the universe EVER stop heaping the indignities and humiliations upon his tortured soul?

This week has featured Batiuk at his absolute worst. The ponderous drivel about his fictional cancer book being this incredible artistic acheivement is nauseating enough, but the simplistic tripe about the “inner workings” of the television business is laughably bad especially when you consider how it’s coming from a guy who’s “written” maybe two hours worth of “stories” over the last forty years. A “writer” in a medium as shallow as the comic strip business has a lot of balls taking shots at other writers in other mediums, maybe he should write something that isn’t a simplistic piece of garbage before he dismisses an entire industry in one fell swoop. He needs a smack as much as his stupid avatar does.