Epicus Doomus

The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Funkyverse

Um, why is Summer out hitchhiking in a blizzard? Summer began her walk in the morning, ostensibly to “clear her head”. Are we to believe she’s been wandering around in the snow all day? I mean, it’s certainly not impossible or anything, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t pretty f*cking weird. As is hitching a ride to church. I don’t know exactly what he’s trying to do here, but bringing these stories together by having Summer just happen to be standing there on the side of the road is really, really lazy writing, even by Batiuk’s extremely loose standards.

I’ve never endorsed violence (here at SoSF, that is) and I’m not going to start now. But “coinkydink” is a “word” that should never be uttered, let alone spelled out, and quite frankly, I think it merits a beating. I didn’t even know WHAT it said at first…”coin ky dink?”. Then I figured it out, and it made me irrationally angry. And I still am right now.

Great Moments In FW Arc Recap History

The Entire Month of June, 2013

Jessica apologizes to Darin for forcing him to go through with the Frankie meeting. Jessica’s father, John Darling, who was murdered when Jessica was a baby, makes an appearance in a Sunday flashback. Darin and Jess summon the Moores and the senior Fairgoods to alert them to Frankie’s plot. Nobody in the room has a clue how to thwart Frankie until feeble Fred murmurs “Pm nd Jff”…their former neighbors and the daughter and son-in-law of Ed Crankshaft.

Frankie attempts to interview Funky, Bull, and Crazy Harry to get some dirt on Lisa, but they all deny remembering her. Summer and Cayla arrive home from school. “Jff” Murdoch visits Westview to share his recollection of witnessing teenage Frankie and Lisa in a domestic dispute one night thirty years ago in “Lover’s Lane”. This recollection leads to the discovery of young Lisa’s journal, which details her abuse and impregnation at the hands of Frankie. Jessica videotapes Summer reading aloud from her late mother’s journal, and Darin threatens to post the whole sordid thing on YouTube if Frankie goes ahead with the reality show. Defeated at last, Frankie and Lenny pack up and leave town.

“The entire month of June”…LOL. This was one of my personal favorite Act III arcs. I always had high hopes for Frankie whenever he’d come slithering back on to the scene, but he ended up being sort of a wuss, with no follow-through at all. I remember hoping that Frankie would befriend Boy Lisa and steal all his money or something, but he never really “did” much of anything. And I hoped he’d somehow ruin the Starbuck Jones movie, but again, he delivered nothing. FW was always crying out for a true villain, someone who genuinely hated these jerks and carried a grudge, but Frankie was as close as we ever really got.

At least Boy Lisa got a fun “origin story” anecdote out of it. A keg party, a parked van, a sleazebag from a few towns over…what’s not to love? Man, that BatYam is one sick f*ck sometimes, I’ll tell you what.

It’s Just The Wasted Years So Close Behind

today

And here it is, my last-ever Sunday FW strip. I’ve always had mixed feelings regarding the Sunday strips. Sometimes they’re annoyingly invasive and have nothing whatsoever to do with anything, other times they’re just weird and difficult to say much about, like with those horrible comic book covers with the always-wry reality bubbles. Honestly, they mostly just kind of suck, and I’d bet that every other SoSF host agrees, too. You see that second Sunday strip of your shift and it’s almost always so demoralizing. I’m trying to recall my favorite Act III Sunday strip of all-time, but I’m totally drawing a blank. That’s the kind of impact the Sunday strips make.

Ending on a down note…yup, that’s sounds about right. Maybe he’s setting up a big “Lost”-like ending here, where everyone gathers in a gauzily-lit non-denominational church to smile and dance around all stupidly. Or maybe everyone in FW was actually dead the whole time. Except for Lisa, who imagines the whole thing in the one moment before SHE dies, again!

Or maybe everyone will just walk around aimlessly for no reason, I dunno. I guess he had to cram Dinkle in there somehow, but none of this explains anything about Harley and the helmet, which were all the rage two weeks ago. When you get right down to it, this is what BatYarn is all about…boring hackery. It’s been over a decade since he last did an arc anyone might consider “good” or even merely “OK”. And obviously that isn’t changing now.

Great Moments In FW Arc Recap History

Jan. 10-23, 2011
Wally travels to Colorado to train with and take ownership of Buddy, his new companion dog.

All this Bingo talk reminded me of FW’s most beloved character, Buddy The Dog, who debuted in what was probably the “best” Act III arc of all time. By “best” I mean the most well-received, in general. At the time I was trying too hard, and I failed to recognize that by FW standards, it was a relatively upbeat, happy and hopeful little story, featuring an adorable dog AND a combat veteran. I should have known better. You can be “edgy” and all, but not all the time and definitely not when veterans and service dogs are involved, because there’s no way you won’t come across as anything more than a real dick. It was a lesson worth taking to heart, so thanks O.B. Dan, wherever you are.

Anyhow, Buddy was a good, good boy, and deserved WAY better than what BatHack had in store for him. Torturing him on Ferris wheels and at heavy metal concerts, a thousand “he’s my Buddy” gags, then seemingly written out of the strip entirely, Buddy merited a hell of a lot more than that. Meanwhile, the strip is crawling with cats. I guess that for BatYam, dogs are like women, and he has no idea how to write for them. Zing.

Off The Deep End

today

Yes, Summer, by all means, climb the snow and ice-covered diving board hanging over the abandoned swimming pool. Remember, this genius has ten years of college under her belt. What an idiot. Again we see something that happened in high school resonating through history, yet college seems to make no difference one way or the other. If she slips, falls, and ends up freezing to death in that abandoned pool, this whole thing will have been quite worthwhile.

Great Moments In FW Arc Recap History

September 20 – October 4, 2015
Crazy Harry finishes transferring (and ostensibly watching) the hours of Lisa tapes. He informs Summer that he found “a couple of Easter Eggs” on the tapes, which he burns to separate DVD’s marked “For Les” and “For the Other Woman”, and Summer presents these to Cayla. Cayla’s starts with a lecture from Lisa about how to handle her duties as Les’ wife (before devolving into threats that Lisa will haunt Cayla if she ever hurts “our Les”).

The “Other Woman” Easter Egg arc, definitely one of Batiuk’s weirdest Lisa fantasies. And, of course, Cayla just sat there with a stupid look on her face, content as always with her role as Les’ good-natured doormat. Cayla was one of Act III’s least-believable characters. Being attracted to Les wasn’t enough, so over the course of Act III he neatly excised her already-barely discernible personality and turned her into Cayla Tyler Moore, always ready, willing and able to indulge Les and his demented Lisa nonsense. This arc SHOULD have ended with Cayla lobbing those DVDs into the fireplace with middle fingers extended, but she just sat there grinning stupidly instead. Yuck.

Not Fair, Not Good

today

Great Moments In FW Arc Recap History

October 15-22
The wedding of Cayla and Les.

October 23-28
After the wedding, Fred and Ann inexplicably decide to take Darin and Jessica on a tour of the neighborhood where they lived when they first were married.

What’s this got to do with anything?

Thursday

That’s the house. Now what this has to do with Summer, or anything else for that matter, is a mystery to me. And Fred and Ann needed to drive there, yet Summer strolls right by, like it’s right down the street from Moore Manor. So it’s even more baffling than previously assumed. BatYam is throwing these weird, extremely obscure details out there, presumably to amuse himself, as who the hell else is going to recognize it? (Turns and glances at SoSF staff, shakes head in bemusement and wonder. Man, you people are good. When we stop devoting all the brain power to this strip, we’ll no doubt conquer the world).

What is she doing there in panel one? Blowing on her hand? Vaping? Picking a piece of apple skin out of her teeth? It’s really odd. I guess we’ll never get that map of Westview I’ve been clamoring for, as obviously the entire town is some sort of geographically impossible optical illusion of some kind, like an M.C. Escher drawing or something, where nothing is as it seems and everything kind of folds back upon itself into infinity.

Coming soon: Summer walks by more things. Nothing happens. Everyone is agog that FW is ending this way. Then we all realize it couldn’t possibly have ended any other way.

But When We Wake It’s All Been Erased

today

We’re in the homestretch now, folks, and guess what? The last twenty weeks (or thereabouts)? Just a dream…MAYBE. “Interviews clogged her brain”…no, that was all the grit settling in your head while you slept, dingus.

The “it was all just a dream” trope is possible the hoariest, moldiest trope of them all, and if it was anyone else, I’d wonder how the writer in question could possibly live with the shame of having resorted to using it. But this is BatHam we’re talking about here, so, you know.

Great Moments In FW Arc Recap History

August 3-10, 2008
Summer apparently turns sixteen, attends a party at the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit where she spent the first weeks of her life, and watches a video made by Lisa. She learns about the horrors of cancer, PSA screening, and teen pregnancy in one take.

I don’t hate Summer based on recent history, oh my heavens no. It goes way, way back. I don’t even remember the one noted above, but they were all more or less like that. BatYam saw Summer as being the “anti-Les” as a teen…good at sports, confident, gritty…but with her mother’s wisdom and beatific insight, too. Very much like Lisa, but different than Les in every way. And it was pretty much the whole gag.

In a way, Summer is the perfect microcosm of Act III itself. He developed a premise with all kinds of possibilities…the Anti-Les with a heaping side of Lisa…then went absolutely nowhere with it. By the end of her early Act III run, she was a bland basketball nerd who’d mention Lisa a few times a year, and very little else. As always, the premise was just too ambitious for him, and he quietly let it die. After she appeared in 2013’s legendary Frankie bio-son date rape arc, she was barely even a background character until she reappeared this year. It’s almost like he suddenly remembered her, felt guilty, and wanted to make up for lost time. Lucky us.