Son of Stuck Funky – Page 755 – Son of Stuck Funky

Old Feller

Ah, this, this is always a sad moment: the moment when we say “Goodbye” to a character we’ve come to know and love. I mean, aside from the “know and love” bit, and the fact that we were never given time to come to care for this HarryLes amalgamation. Here he was given to us, and now taken away prematurely, before his true, inner loathsomeness could be allowed to flower, before we were given a chance to hate his every appearance. Why, yes, it is just as sad as all those times we wept over those Disney characters when they were slaughtered, or married off, or adopted, or (give me a moment to stem the tide of tears) hired at Sprawl Mart.

“Pay to Laugh” Maybe?

Today’s strip

I think Bull has found a better way to raise funds for the school–check out his stance in panel one; clearly, he is going to be a background dancer in rap videos. His “getting down” is “dope”! Maybe he’ll even be a rapper himself–

–or maybe not, there’s a limit to how “dope” something can be.

I’m not sure if Greybeard’s idea is as “dope,” only because I can’t figure out what Greybeard’s actual “Pay to Paint” plan is. If the arts classes are being cut, logically that probably means there aren’t enough students taking those classes; asking the few who have an interest to pay to attend seems like a losing proposition.

Of course, you’ll note I used the word “logically” up there. I suppose the purpose of this arc, like all the “school funding” arcs, is not to examine the issue at all but to yell that “taxpayers who want to cut teachers and classes are cheap meanies, because they are mean and cheap!” “Reality-based” only goes so far when you’ve constructed your own reality.

Speaking of art, panel two has the real “artistic” goods. Is that Les wearing a Crazy Harry mask, or Crazy Harry wearing a Les mask? Or is it one of Philip K. Dick’s insectoid aliens wearing an abandoned skin? And why is he/she/it talking to the worst drawing of Alfred Hitchcock ever made? These mysteries, my friends, may never be solved. Not if we want to “pay to sleep” at night.

The Wrath of Tom

Today’s strip

…whatever the hell that means. It could be that, since people have to buy tickets to watch a losing football team go through the motions, they might buy more tickets to watch a terrible marching band go through similar motions. However, it seems more likely that the students are going to have to pay to participate in the football team and the band.

Let that sink in for a moment. We’ve just seen two solid weeks of Becky and Bull heaping abuse upon their students, humiliating them and calling their talents into question. What do you think the result is going to be when Bull gathers the team and tells them, “You’re worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty! Twenty dollars, that is, which plus another eighty is the fee you will pay for the privilege of playing football! You terrible, terrible losers! I hate you! But give me those checks or preferably cash, thanks.”

Yes, I know this is Westview, but how many students are masochistic enough to pay for this kind of humiliation? Even if the only alternative is the cornfield, I suspect that Bull, in another, better comic strip, would be presented with a pile of stacked helmets and the reverberating sound of lockers being slammed shut for the last time. And then “the team,” and thus “the band” would cease to exist.

However (there’s always a “however” in Westview), since this strip delineates the troubles faced by contemporary youth, and one of those troubles is marching band, let’s totally forget that the school can (apparently) afford a scissors-lift for the band director and an inflatable giant football helmet (and endless repair and replacement of same). We can see that the marching band is in no immediate danger. Despite the budget cuts and other assorted tribulations, Tom wants the band around…the same way he wants Lisa around. Forever.

Why? He clearly hates the football team, but without the team, the marching band has no function. Or does it?

Based solely on Funky Winkerbean (a phrase I hope I never hear the government utter), the band may have a life outside the reality imposed upon the comic strip. I can’t count how many arcs have focused on the marching band, but there have been a bunch of them. Becky, Dinkle, Owen, Cody…they’ve all been swallowed by the “marching band” maelstrom. They only exist for torture and disappointment…which are the twin axes of the Funky Winkerbean universe.

So…if they have to pay to play in the band…(and Tom Batiuk will make them do so…selling turkeys, selling blood, selling beloved comics, selling “something” to the beings that have preserved them in these horrific tanks)…whatever it takes, it will keep the band alive. He will keep the band alive. Because Tom Batiuk can’t kill the band. No…because the band tasks him and he shall have it. Killing the band is too easy, too quick, too final. He will chase the band ’round the moons of Nibia and ’round the Antares Maelstrom and ’round perdition’s flames before he will give them up!

Tom Batiuk has done far worse than kill the band…he’s hurt it. And he wishes to go on…hurting it. He will leave the band as he leaves us, as he left Lisa: marooned for all eternity in “a reality-based comic strip that depicts contemporary issues affecting young adults in a thought-provoking and sensitive manner”…buried alive! Buried alive…!

The Man Who Wasn’t There

Today’s strip

Greetings, fellow snarkers–tis I, BChasm, the guy who makes Les Moore look pithy and insightful, so let’s get to today’s offering before I get punched in the heart!

When Fearless Leader and I discussed this new arc, he offered that Tom Batiuk had totally forgotten how to draw Jim Kablichnik. I felt compelled to disagree, mentioning that Kablichnik taught science, and thus would probably be delighted that the arts-and-other-crap were being cut, thus allowing him to perhaps steal a desk to go with his new chair.

No, I had the idea that the greybeard above was actually a brand new character being introduced. Yes, with no last name, a first name already claimed by another teacher, no reference to prior appearances, and a character design that says that Jim Kablichnik, Les Moore and Crazy Harry fell into the Brundle telepod while holding hands and smiling into each others eyes.

Now, there is an argument that this is Kablichnik, now wearing glasses and a full beard, although the case is purely Batiukian. Check the “Jim” in the panel three word balloon. Note the amount of white space surrounding it. Tell me there isn’t enough room in there to name this fellow “Nathanial” or “Millicent” or “Wolverine” for crying out loud. So it may actually be Jim, meaning Tom Batiuk’s laziness (consistent character look, or handing out names) approaches legendary levels.

If it is a new character, an art teacher, those of you with long memories might recall that the Westview art teacher we’ve seen before was far, far less hirsute than this fellow, but not to worry–if this guy’s a brand new character, he’ll be gone before we can arrange a suitable memorial tribute. Probably in less than a week. The other fellow only got one panel, as I recall, before disappearing forever into “Funky Winkerbean characters I like, or at least don’t hate.”

As for the content of today’s jape (aimed at illustrating the problems of young people in a sensitive way, I’ll remind you), I might almost consider this “humorous,” since the sheer number of departments being cut (including lunch, for Pete’s sake) might be evidence of exaggeration for satirical effect…except that I think none of those words I just used have any meaning in Tom Batiuk’s world.

Despica-Bull Me

Many thanks to Epicus Doomus for the last couple weeks of posts! Tune in tomorrow as Beckoning Chasm begins a two-week guest stint!

—TFH

In a dark and deserted Jack Stropp Memorial Stadium, Coach Bull Bushka delivers the unhappy recap following the Scapegoats’ first game, and hence first loss, of the season.

Epicus Doomus
August 22, 2013 at 11:16 pm
…These WHS-themed strips are just the worst. He puts almost no effort into them at all anymore, they only exist out of some sense of “tradition”, I would guess.

And tradition holds that in these post-game interviews, the reporter serves as straight man, setting up Bull’s non-sequitur punchlines. But Bull, forced back into the head coach position while continuing to coach girls’ hoops and serve as Westview’s AD, can express only his utter resignation and despair.