The Longest Forty-Something Years In The History Of Years

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Gotta hand it to Batiuk today. I would have thought that this “fatwad goes to the gym” arc would have played itself out after a panel or two but here it is, Thursday, and it’s still as fresh and hilarious as it was on Monday. Granted, the bar was set rather low……

Oh, hold on a second. At first glance I thought that was Mephistopheles himself, about to summon Funky on down to eternal damnation and all. But nope, it’s just a cynically smirking Fitness Girl wildly arching her eyebrows, presumably in bemused disgust at Funky’s pathetic punchline. I hear that, FG. But better be careful making those faces, if she gets stuck like that she’ll be banished from everywhere BUT Westview and no one wants that.

No Grit All Quit

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The only sadist around here is TheAuthor. He obviously enjoys inflicting punishment on Funky and he was in his glory when he drew this one. Panel two is especially gruesome. I never thought any particular Funky drawing could be any more unflattering than any other one, but I stand corrected. That drawing should come with a parental warning. Look at the size of that one sweat bead too, wow.

It’s starting to become pretty clear why Funky’s various “get in shape” schemes always fail. One, he doesn’t try and quits as soon as it gets difficult and two, he never shuts the f*ck up while he’s supposed to be exercising. Complaints, gloating about “playing tennis”, wry remarks…no wonder he’s always gasping for breath. Keeping his big fat trap shut, that’s his problem.

I like the weird shading on Funky’s disgusting sweaty face though. Do you think they added that in after he drew it or is that just how that particular kind of shading shows up in newsprint form?

The Treadmill To Nowhere

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Obesity, rapid aging, coronary issues, weird skinny legs and crippling malasie…these are “nagging little injuries”, Funky Winkerbean style. That sounds about right. And sorry Fitness Girl, but your “meal ticket” is in fact that pizza place down the road that’s stuffing the local kids full of stale leftover glop before they even get to school in the morning. That’s what the local mortician calls Montoni’s too, by the way.

The joke doesn’t even make sense. Fitness Girl isn’t a doctor or a physical therapist, so how would a rash of tennis-related injuries possibly benefit her? And what the hell is Funky babbling about? Tennis? Oh, that one time many years ago when he stood around a tennis court with Les and complained about something? Come on, be serious.

Dream On, Funk-Man

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Special thanks to the SoSF Staff for the last six weeks of exceptional and hilarious snarking! And as always extra-special thanks to TFH, forever our Grand Exalted Leader!

We often give TB a hard time about the way he skips around all over the place and leaves unresolved story arcs just hanging there for years at a time, but let’s give credit where it’s due today. I was on pins and needles wondering how Lard-Butt was doing at the gym so seeing his fat sweaty shapeless form again is a real relief. Building suspense is all well and good, but when you have “reality-based storytelling” that’s as gripping as this arc is, you don’t want to wait too long between re-visits. Cindy and Cory and Holly and Les and Becky’s mom are just going to have to wait, there’s a Pulitzer (nomination) just waiting to be had here, dammit.

While it’s nice that Funky is setting goals for himself, he might want to set his sights a tad bit lower if you ask me. Perhaps looking AS good as people twice his age would be a better starting point and far more realistic too. “Look better than other people my age”…seriously, Tom? The only FW character in worse shape than Funky is Fred and at least he has an excuse. And Fred at least tries to tell jokes, too. That’s probably the most ludicrous bit of FW dialog in many years, if not ever. If he wrote that masterpiece with a straight face he’s a more stoic man than I, that’s for sure.

In any event, get ready for sweat beads, wry self-deprecating remarks, a possible coronary episode and fat jokes….a lot of fat jokes. And if you’re busy this week and just don’t have the six seconds a day to put into reading the thing, just re-read my last sentence and you’ll be covered, as the likelihood of anything interesting happening this week is almost assuredly zero.