Cindy – Page 34 – Son of Stuck Funky

And Even Fewer Care, Cliff

History lesson time…who knew? Anyhow, the entire SJ mythology veers wildly off-course today as the old serials we assumed were based upon the “Starbuck Jones” comic book series were actually written by Dashiell Hammett, a renowned mystery writer and political activist from “back in the day” (guess which day, bet you’re not surprised). Few people knew this, as generations of obsessive SJ fanboys somehow completely overlooked the old SJ serial films because comic book fan communities rarely deal in the arcane or trivial and would have no interest at all in something like that.

Anyhow that’s a real swerve into left field completely out of nowhere, eh? Obviously none of this shameless, haphazard retconning makes even a little sense but hey, it’s his comic strip and if he wants to use it as some sort of half-assed platform to create magical boring fantasy worlds where his real-life interests and preferences get shoehorned into the narrative regardless of logic or continuity, that’s his business.

Briefly checking out the Dashiell Hammett page gives me an idea of where this is going…ugh. Cliff Anger…Political Prisoner? I guess it does beat band turkeys, though.

Those Four Dreaded Words

Link to today’s strip

No, not “I love you Spanky”….”it’s a long story”…(shudder). Long like two-week arc long or LONG, like this SJ movie mega arc that’s spawning all these spinoff arcs? I like how Cindy, the veteran journalist doing a documentary on an old movie star, is shocked to learn that her subject was in prison, as if it’s the first she’s hearing of it. I also love the little dig at her own work, like all true Westviewians she takes a perverse pleasure in knowing she’s churning out crap, like it’s OK because she’s in on the gag. And I think it’s safe to say that if you’re reading this you probably know the deal there.

Blathering Heights

Link to today’s strip

Huh? Cliff was in prison? What was he convicted of, impersonating an interesting comic strip character? Comic book theft? Counterfeiting pizzas? Violating the super-strict NYC lampshade statutes? And no one knew anything about this until right now? Well, that’s just fascinating and by “fascinating” I of course mean “duh”. I can’t wait to see where this latest twist takes us and of course by that I mean “please kill me now”.

So Cindy is only finding out about Cliff’s prison past right now? There’s no documentarian like a Westviewian documentarian, like no documentarian I know as a matter of fact. Once her crack team figures out The Google thing this project is really going to take off, mark my words. And correct me if I’m mistaken here but wasn’t Vera supposed to be “long lost” when they dredged her up to appear at Starbuck-Con? So she was long lost AND ardently following Anger’s life at the same time? Hey, it’s the Batiukverse…why the hell not?

Takes One To Blow One

Link to today’s strip

“Lampshades Askew – The Cliff Anger Story”

I’m looking forward to the part where Cliff explains what he was doing for those sixty years between film gigs. Should be some compelling stuff there. She’ll no doubt have minutes of footage to sift through. It’ll be the first documentary film ever where they ADD stuff from the cutting room floor.

“Food, dope, hookers…you can get anything delivered in Manhattan but just try to find a lampshade de-skewerer that speaks f*cking English in that town, consarnit! No one knows the shame I’ve had to endure (beings weeping). Uneven shadows, difficulty reading properly…so many wasted decades….damn that Nixon for de-regulating the lampshade de-skewering industry back in ’73!”

BanTom is really going all out to very, very slowly and painstakingly set the stage here, or as we call it, “killing as much time as humanly possible to avoid having to exert any effort at all or create a story anyone would actually want to read”. I’ve seen enough wry Mason/Cindy banter for ten lifetimes, just get to the f*cking fireworks factory already, dammit. And what the hell is the deal with this f*cking movie? What is it, “9 1/2 Weeks In Space” or something? It’s more like “9 1/2 Years”, amirite?

Cut The Cheese

Link to today’s strip.

You know how this could be funny? If it showed three or four kissing takes, each one of them interrupted by Cindy, despite repeated promises that she would behave next time. The director would get madder and madder, and Mason would have to calm him down, “Give her another chance, Mr. Popsicle!” Admittedly, not a laff-riot, but amusing, and driven by the character, instead of the necessity of “running out the clock.”

I guess I’m really saying that this could have been funny, in the hands of a different cartoonist. As it is, it’s about as boring as this thing gets. We get it–Cindy is a neurotic mass of fears, jealousies and insecurities. She also lacks any sort of self-awareness and is incapable of restraint. None of this makes her funny. Now, she’d be perfect in a certain type of comedy (the Three Stooges comes to mind), or as the kind of woman that a guy has to escape from, but each time she keeps turning up (Carrie Fisher in “The Blues Brothers,” e.g.).

Her character also keeps this from being poignant. Cindy is well aware that Mason’s career depends on getting roles, and he’s the perfect type for “romantic lead.” Which would mean a lot of kissing, and perhaps some bedroom scenes. Cindy ought to recognize that a) it’s good if he keeps getting work, and b) it’s all make-believe.

That second part is really crucial; it’s something she should keep in the forefront of her thoughts all the time. Which wouldn’t be a problem if she had some other way to fill her time. Doesn’t she have a job? Shouldn’t she be putting her energies into that, instead of blitzing-out every time she thinks that someone attractive is a threat to her? As it is, I can’t help feeling Mason is going to wise up some day, and think, “You know, she really is crazy. Time for goodbyes. Where’s that old kevlar vest I used to have?”

Speaking of goodbyes, this is the end of my current stint. Please give a warm SOSF welcome to your new host, Epicus Doomus!