Tag: Cindy

A Real Cliff Anger

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Look at the insane lengths Batom went to in order to work an old “Starbuck Jones” film into the strip. Of all the possible ways he could have done that, he chose to have Mason charter a private jet and fly out to Ohio (for reasons still not made clear) with Cindy, Pete and Darin to visit Jessica, who lives with them in Hollywood but was in Ohio at the time, all so they could go to an old SJ movie playing in Centerville. I mean it’s so bizarre and so preposterous no other person could have possibly dreamed it up. It defies logic on so many levels all at once, like he deliberately set out to create the most wildly implausible premise and sequence of events he possibly could. And not only that, he does it EVERY SINGLE TIME with EVERY SINGLE ARC. It’s totally mind-boggling.

Cliff Anger, sigh. I’m almost embarrassed not to have seen it coming. The man has a gift, you gotta give him that. It’s so sad how that gift doesn’t help at all with the comic strip though, isn’t it? So let me see if I have this right: there’s a theater in Centerville called “The Valentine” that only shows “last chance” films that no one will ever want to see again? Is there a big pit out back where they burn the films after their final showings, just to be sure? Interesting concept but I can’t see how it’s economically viable, long-term.

“It’s Saturday night! How shall we allocate our limited entertainment budget?”

“I know! Let’s go to the “The Valentine”, see a terrible old movie and wallow in old comic book nostalgia centered around pop-culture fads from two decades before we were born!”

I don’t see it. One thing I do know is that I’ve rarely wanted to punch a “one-off” FW character more than I want to punch Snooty Centerville Hipster Ticket-Taker Guy. Add “how does this place stay in business?” to the pile of FW mysteries and anomalies.

And IMO this AuthorGuy needs to make up his mind already: is SJ a red-hot and much-beloved property that’s sweeping the globe or is it a forgotten cult classic unknown to all but a few nerdy Ohioians? Because it can’t be both. Pick one already and run with it, all this dilly-dallying is getting really annoying.

Serial Momentum Killer

Link to today’s strip

At first I was excited, as it appeared that Pete was trying to vomit and Boy Lisa was attempting to kill him via asphyxiation. But alas, Pete was merely complaining again, as usual, this time about being cruelly forced to go see a movie. Will his woes never end? I also like how Boy Lisa has to ask permission to bring his wife along. Once a patsy, always a patsy I guess.

So they all flew out to Ohio from Hollywood to see an old Starbuck Jones movie at some nostalgic old theater in Centerville? Why didn’t they just ride a magical space pony to Starbuck Jones Land and live among the Klaxxons? It’d be exactly as plausible and just as many people would care. It probably wouldn’t require quite as much stilted awkward dialog either, or maybe just as much, I don’t know. But it couldn’t possibly be any dumber, as we’re at absolute stupid right now.

Not only isn’t the Starbuck Jones movie being made, now he’s introducing OTHER SJ movies into the canon. It doesn’t just defy belief anymore, it dropkicks belief from the edge of a very high cliff and laughs maniacally as it’s pulverized on the jagged rocks below. I can’t wait until we learn all about the campy 1960s TV version of SJ and the time SJ took on Andre The Giant on pay-per-view.

 

Not Going Anywhere

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Flog, flog, flog. Mason is reading the SJ script today, which indicates that there is a script to be read…I guess. Otherwise it’s a pointless rehash of a premise that was (for lack of a better word) resolved yesterday. When you think about it just running this Sunday strip instead of devoting an entire week to the premise might have been a better idea. But then he would have only had fifty-one weeks worth of strips, which would have left him one short. Sure, he could have probably just thrown an old one from a few years ago in there and no one would have noticed, but it’s all about the integrity, man.

And with that I turn over the reins to billytheskink, who’s going to steer you through next’s weeks installment of annoying claptrap! And based on the header pic above, I have no idea what that claptrap might be. I don’t like the looks of it though.

Schlock Solid

Link To Today’s Strip

Wow, Cindy is actually given the chance to (gasp!) smile today AND she actually enjoys a brief flickering moment of (gasp!) security too as Mason reassures her that there’s no way he’s banging Marianne Winters because he’s already combined (chortle) their CD collections. It’s better than nothing, I suppose.

But the artwork today is really something else again. Mason strikes a Boy Lisa-esque pose in panel one, his unruly thinning hair bursting right into his dialog bubble. Then in panel two all rules of perspective go flying out the window as he futilely tries to keep his enormous freak head from falling off his body completely. Then in panel three we wrap things up with a wry smirk and a truly frightening hatchet-face straight from hell’s infernal depths. What a display.

But I can’t complain too much here. I mean sure, this idiotic story went absolutely nowhere, SJ is no closer to being finished (or started) than it was a year ago and it made no sense whatsoever, but he did manage to go one entire day without mentioning Cindy’s age, which is quite rare indeed.

All Bias Herself

Link To Today’s Strip

Things get darker in Hollywood today, as Mason becomes disturbed by Cindy’s increasingly deranged jealousy. Meanwhile, Cindy begins cyberstalking Marianne Winters as her plan to destroy the Starbuck Jones franchise and Marianne’s career begins to emerge. Will she push Mason too far and trigger his bi-polar disorder somehow? Will she suffer a breakdown and retreat to the safety and comfort of her old home town pizzeria? Will Marianne use her youth, looks and stable personality to wrest Mason from the grip of the tired old insane hag Cindy? Will anyone lose a limb? Will anyone DIE?

Nah, just kidding, nothing is actually happening, as usual. The same internet Cindy snidely dismissed on Monday has suddenly become a source of absolutely rock-solid and totally verifiable proof that the Winters woman is a shameless man-stealing hussy of the first magnitude. The internet is just so funny like that, you know? One day it’s killing your career, the next day you’re using it to undermine your boyfriend’s career.  One day you’re making terrible jokes about how useless it is and the next day you’re furiously blogging about things that used to be or never were. There’s a word for it…yes, Batiukian, that’s it.

Note how she isn’t wearing her sunglasses in panel one, so he can really capture the desperate panic in her eyes. Well done. Ever since she skulked back to Westview in shame after meekly shuffling away after a national TV network discriminated against her because of her age she’s been nothing but an endless pit of ponderous “over the hill” tropes, one after the other. He hasn’t pounded on a character like this in a while, Funky excluded. “I was fired for being old”, “my ex-husband and I are old”, “I can’t get a job because I’m old”, “I got a lousy job because I am old”, “will this guy like me even though I’m old?”, “he likes me even though I’m old!”, “he’s bi-polar but so what, I’m old”,”note to younger self: you’re gonna get old”, “we’re getting married! I’m old!” and now “he will immediately succumb to the charms of his younger and hotter co-worker because I am old”. It’s like wave after wave of it, like an ocean of imminent defeat and self-loathing. Not only doesn’t he allow her any joy, he won’t even allow her to just be safe in the knowledge that everything is OK right now. I don’t know what he has against Cindy but it’s all pretty dark and brutal comic strip fodder if you ask me. Too bad it’s in the hands of AnAuthor with no imagination at all, you know?