Tag Archives: John Darling

Darling Fatigue Syndrome

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After the nausea, gagging and violent retching subsided a little, I asked myself where this arc stands among FW’s all-time worst three weeks-or-longer arcs. Then I realized it’s like a twenty-thousand-way tie for first and the tie breaker formula is just too complicated to get into here. Let’s just say that it really sucked big-time and it’s way up there on the list and leave it at that.

FW doesn’t get more twee than it does in today’s panel three, that’s for sure. Anything that revoltingly saccharine really should come with a warning. And she’s a pretty, uh, mature “baby” today too, but when you just have your heart set on a particular premise there’s no reason why you can’t retcon the shit out of it to make the premise fit, right? Happens all the time. It’s called writing, people.

Batom is world renowned for his novel use of repetition, but this is ridiculous. Ridiculous. His constant repetition is ridiculous. See how ridiculous that is? And I’ve never even been nominated for a Pulitzer or anything. Yet even I understand how ridiculous the constant repetition is and how, in theory, it could potentially induce murderous rage in others. The repetition, I mean.

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Surprise Reprise

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Today Batom inexplicably repeats the (ahem) “big reveal” for no apparent reason other than to reaffirm its cleverness to himself, I guess. Or maybe he just assumes that his regular readers are so stupid that they’ll forget JD’s last words unless they’re hammered into their brains repeatedly. Or maybe, just maybe, he’s a total hack who couldn’t think of a better way to end this ponderous story without resorting to mindless meandering and pointless repetition. I personally think it’s a little bit of all three.

And JD, I think everyone would be surprised if Jessica takes up chess. Very, very surprised. Almost as surprised as I’ll be if this arc doesn’t end on an even more nauseating note than it struck today.

 

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Barbie’s Scheme Louse

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“I love Barbie forever”…hmmmm, I wonder what THAT could possibly mean? We can rule out the possibility that JD was an avid Barbie collector, as everyone knows that Ohioians only collect comic books. There is no “Barbie” anywhere in FW lore as far as I know and the only character that even remotely resembles Barbie is…oh, I get it now. Pretty lame.

So will Jessica figure this out on her own or will someone have to explain it to her? I’m guessing the latter, as he’s going to have to drag this out for another week (at least) somehow. Plus it’d be very much in character considering that she’s a documentary film maker who left her equipment in a bag during the most compelling conversation she’s had with anyone in decades. He’ll likely have Boy Lisa or her mother John Darling’s wife Jan explain things to her while burying that “documentary” idea under so much sap and schmaltz it’ll never be heard from again. Then they will no doubt celebrate over some pizza while saying “John Darling” many times.

Still, all in all those are some pretty sorry last words. Pretty sorry “plot twist” too, but that’s to be expected. If he wanted to do a story about JD’s mysterious last words, why didn’t he just start with that instead of hacking away for two weeks establishing a premise he then just ignored? I mean last Saturday he did a whole silent strip featuring a nervous Jessica unloading equipment from her car, equipment she never even used. So why bother with the film premise at all? He could have just had Plantman send her a letter or something. It’s just so confounding and baffling (and stupid).

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He Who Must Not Be Named (And He Who Always Must Be)

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I think I know who Plantman is talking about here. He’s referring to that smug, annoying, destestable and loathsome bearded dick with ears who first made it fashionable to use John Darling’s entire name every single time John Darling gets a mention. I f*cking hate that guy and his f*cking books.

So finally we’re almost maybe possibly almost near the “big reveal” where we find out what John Darling’s long-lost last words were. Even though this arc was orginally about something else entirely, but hey, something’s possibly about to happen and that in and of itself is noteworthy. If it’s anything like the rest of this arc (and the entire strip in general) I’m sure it’ll be absolutely gripping and emotionally devastating. And by that I mean cripplingly stupid and woefully unfunny. But you all already knew that.

And here’s hoping that after Plantman shreds Jessica’s remaining delusions about belief in her father (?) perhaps she could drop by Batom Inc. World HQ and shred any remaining arcs that involve John Darling. That would be a far more worthy waste of her time, unlike this idiotic film scheme of hers which is clearly going nowhere. After this arc, I feel she owes us at least that much.

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This Is The Story Of Johnny Rotten

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Finally, our twenty-three year long national nightmare is about to come to an end as Plantman is at long last going to reveal the late John Darling’s very last dying words and (zzzzzzzzz). Me, I’m more amazed that TB finally drew a woman with normal regular-sized buttocks, which had to be a real challenge for him, what with going “off template” like that and all (and none of those weird pareidolia faces he sometimes does just to freak us out either, thank God).

So here’s the big twist of TB’s little John Darling victory lap story, eh? Forget the documentary, throw out the motive. Plantman has a world exclusive…JD’s very last dying words! What a great documentary film this would have made if only someone had thought about bringing a camera and…ooops, never mind. Anyhow, we can only guess at what these alleged “last words” might be, but if I know my FW history I can guarantee they’ll be something really stupid. Possibly pun and or wordplay based, maybe involving inclement weather, a chance of sentimental mawkishness as well but most definitely stupid. Just you wait and see.

An afterthought: why doesn’t “Plantman” speak in plant-based pun form? You know, like “leaf-ing so soon?” (credit: Jeffcoat) or “let’s get to the roots of the problem” or “enough of your vining”, stuff like that. Some arch-villain HE turned out to be.

 

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Justifiable Herbicide

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He’s trying for “menacing” here but he’s stuck on “clown shoes” again. Not only do I have no idea what Plantman is jabbering about, but I am at a complete loss to explain why Jessica is STILL not operating her camera, which was ostensibly her entire reason for this ponderous prison visit in the first place.

I, like 100% of the rest of the world, never read “John Darling” so I have absolutely no idea what the back story on “Plantman” is or why he’s dressed up like a plant or why it’s supposed to be funny. I am assuming that “Plantman” was to JD as Larry “Bud” Melman was to Letterman…a comedic stooge used to fill and kill time when necessary. Now I know way more about “JD” than I ever dreamed possible and yet, somehow, I still feel unfulfilled.

So this Mossman guy really did dress up like shrubbery? I don’t get it. Was he some sort of lawn & garden expert or something? Wait…do NOT answer that, I don’t want to learn more.

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Prisoner: Cell Block (ZZZZZZZ)

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Today we get our first look at Pete Mossman aka Pete Moss aka Plantman and…well…he looks kind of like every other fat, balding and overweight Westviewian, like ever. I really thought he’d resemble a tree or something. What a letdown. I’m not really sure what he’s talking about regarding his “insensitivity”, as he didn’t say anything especially insensitive until he commented on his insensitivity, which makes no sense at all. But seriously, would you expect anything less out of this “comic” strip? Huh?

And note to Jessica: the camera works far more effectively when it’s turned on and pointed at the subject of the interview. Although in fairness that shot of the base of that prison table will probably be the most compelling footage she gets, so why not go with it?

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Making Phun of Phil

In a nod to realism, today we see Jessica actually employing a tripod as she interviews Phil the Forecaster. Seems like John Darling’s contempt for humanity extended to everyone from the lowly intern to the expert meteorologist. Add Phil to the list of people happy to see Darling dead.

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Intern-minable

Wait: one gets “choked up” recalling fond memories, no?  So what is it about the dressing down that intern Candy received from MyDadJohnDarling that makes her get emotional all these years later? Maybe it was the way his little hand seemed to completely detach from his wrist. Like a cursor. By the way, if you’re just joining us: nobody who knew him liked John Darling.

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Sour Candy

If Batiuk would have us accept Jessica as a professional filmmaker, it might help to show her viewing the dailies on a video editing rig, rather than on the living room TV. “Candy Kane” steps up to take her posthumous whacks at the John Darling piñata.

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