Tag: Starbuck Jones

The Fan-Tom Empire

Cowboys, thunder riders dressed in quasi medieval armor shooting futuristic weapons, robots with flamethrowers— The Phantom Empire viewed genre boundaries as mere inconveniences rather than limits…I became fascinated with the idea of taking what was considered to be a low art form and creating something of substance within those confines, of trying to take what others considered junk and turning it into something more. That thought continued to inform my cartooning choices for the next fifty years. It’s hard to overestimate the impact that The Phantom Empire has had on my developing brain.

From the introduction to The Complete Funky Winkerbean Volume One

So today, Batiuk’s “writing what he knows'” sharing with us readers a space opera that influenced his creative vision as a youth. At the same time he’s writing about something about which he has no idea: how today’s Hollywood motion pictures are made. “I think seeing that old serial is really going to be helpful with our movie.” Mason might as well be talking about a campfire skit or routine that they are preparing for a middle school talent show. And I’m waiting for the day when Darin snaps at his old buddy Pete: “Shut the fuck up already about ‘back in the days of Batom Comics!'”

Anyway, snarkers, it’s good to be back in the SoSF wheelhouse as we approach the 6th anniversary of Son of Stuck Funky! Stay tuned for a special announcement of the first contest around here in awhile. Details to follow! Happy Easter!

Misplaced Anger

Link to today’s strip

Yes, these imbeciles talk out loud during movies, too. Sigh. Maybe it’s too ambitious, maybe it never goes anywhere, maybe I’m way off here. But something tells me that Cliff Anger is alive and well and currently residing at Bedside Manor, ready to regale the gang with tales of how awful Old Hollywood was and how horrible it was to play that stupid Starbuck Jones in those terrible films he never saw a dime for making. Then he’ll probably break a hip or some other hilarious thing old people always do. You know how they are and if not, go check out “Crankshaft” where at this very moment there’s a pretty fair chance that some adorable old grouch is fracturing or suffering from something right now. There’s just no way Batiuk is going to be able to resist the lure of “Cliff Anger”, puns are like narcotics to that guy.

So, why did Jessica (with Skyler) fly out to Ohio in the first place? Has new John Darling footage been unearthed? Another Montoni’s jones? You’d assume it had to have been something somewhat important if she had to go back to Ohio just a few months after moving away, yet she has time to go see old SJ movies, so WTF? Then there’s Mason, why did HE need to fly out to Ohio? Did the studio ask him to grab the head writer and a storyboard guy and scout the Cleveland location from above? Another Montoni’s jones? You’d assume it had to have been something somewhat important if the star of the white-hot SJ franchise suddenly had to charter a jet, flee Hollywood and head to Ohio, yet as soon as he arrived his first stop was at some decrepit old movie house in the middle of nowhere. So WTF? This entire week hinged on actions that make no sense and were never explained, not even in passing. FW: the comic strip were stuff sort of happens.

Well, that was an inexplicable and wickedly unfunny little romp, wasn’t it? That’s it for me for now, but stayed tuned next week as the Host with the Most takes over…the immortal TFH!

Hackian Puerile

Link to today’s strip

Wow, the Starbuck Jones mythology is really starting to take shape, isn’t it? At this rate, in just a few more decades we’ll finally learn who the co-stars were! I like how he added the silhouette heads, it gives the panels that authentic “at the movies” feel you look for in a comic strip arc about five imbeciles who flew across the country to see a movie with title credits drawn by a small and possibly vision-impaired child. Gotta give the BanMan credit, he really capitalized on this opportunity to piledrive another bad pun into the ground by repeating it endlessly until you’d rather take a staple gun to your eyeballs than have to ever read it again. And the detail he puts into making these vivid fantasy-scapes of his as boring as possible is just amazing to behold.

What’s next, a trip to Galveston to see the last surviving copy of the XXX-rated “Starsuck Bones”, starring Rock Hardman and Scarlett O’Letters? Or the short-lived early-eighties TV adaptation starring Adrian Zmed & Loni Anderson which survives on VHS tape in a museum in Secaucus? Or maybe they could pool their resources and find every last copy of SJ and have a complete collection and…oh, scratch that one. It’s been done and it wasn’t worth it. At all.

And why is this a three panel strip? Who is “Vera Nash”? PLEASE don’t tell me she’s another Crankshaft character…please?

A Real Cliff Anger

Link to today’s strip

Look at the insane lengths Batom went to in order to work an old “Starbuck Jones” film into the strip. Of all the possible ways he could have done that, he chose to have Mason charter a private jet and fly out to Ohio (for reasons still not made clear) with Cindy, Pete and Darin to visit Jessica, who lives with them in Hollywood but was in Ohio at the time, all so they could go to an old SJ movie playing in Centerville. I mean it’s so bizarre and so preposterous no other person could have possibly dreamed it up. It defies logic on so many levels all at once, like he deliberately set out to create the most wildly implausible premise and sequence of events he possibly could. And not only that, he does it EVERY SINGLE TIME with EVERY SINGLE ARC. It’s totally mind-boggling.

Cliff Anger, sigh. I’m almost embarrassed not to have seen it coming. The man has a gift, you gotta give him that. It’s so sad how that gift doesn’t help at all with the comic strip though, isn’t it? So let me see if I have this right: there’s a theater in Centerville called “The Valentine” that only shows “last chance” films that no one will ever want to see again? Is there a big pit out back where they burn the films after their final showings, just to be sure? Interesting concept but I can’t see how it’s economically viable, long-term.

“It’s Saturday night! How shall we allocate our limited entertainment budget?”

“I know! Let’s go to the “The Valentine”, see a terrible old movie and wallow in old comic book nostalgia centered around pop-culture fads from two decades before we were born!”

I don’t see it. One thing I do know is that I’ve rarely wanted to punch a “one-off” FW character more than I want to punch Snooty Centerville Hipster Ticket-Taker Guy. Add “how does this place stay in business?” to the pile of FW mysteries and anomalies.

And IMO this AuthorGuy needs to make up his mind already: is SJ a red-hot and much-beloved property that’s sweeping the globe or is it a forgotten cult classic unknown to all but a few nerdy Ohioians? Because it can’t be both. Pick one already and run with it, all this dilly-dallying is getting really annoying.

Serial Momentum Killer

Link to today’s strip

At first I was excited, as it appeared that Pete was trying to vomit and Boy Lisa was attempting to kill him via asphyxiation. But alas, Pete was merely complaining again, as usual, this time about being cruelly forced to go see a movie. Will his woes never end? I also like how Boy Lisa has to ask permission to bring his wife along. Once a patsy, always a patsy I guess.

So they all flew out to Ohio from Hollywood to see an old Starbuck Jones movie at some nostalgic old theater in Centerville? Why didn’t they just ride a magical space pony to Starbuck Jones Land and live among the Klaxxons? It’d be exactly as plausible and just as many people would care. It probably wouldn’t require quite as much stilted awkward dialog either, or maybe just as much, I don’t know. But it couldn’t possibly be any dumber, as we’re at absolute stupid right now.

Not only isn’t the Starbuck Jones movie being made, now he’s introducing OTHER SJ movies into the canon. It doesn’t just defy belief anymore, it dropkicks belief from the edge of a very high cliff and laughs maniacally as it’s pulverized on the jagged rocks below. I can’t wait until we learn all about the campy 1960s TV version of SJ and the time SJ took on Andre The Giant on pay-per-view.