Hey, that title is topical! Topical is automatically funny, right? I’m sure hoping so, as we continue to plow through this Sahara Desert of comedy in today’s strip.
I almost wish TomBat would have “tackled” the issue of high-school concussion-related injuries “head-on” instead of what we just went through!
Okay, the fact the team is terrible aside, today’s strip got me thinking: Do they even make clothing for amputees?
The first thing I stumbled on was a Zazzle site, maker of fine coffee mugs and keychains, that showcased amputee humor. A lot of people far finer than I am have lost limbs for a variety of reasons, and it’s refreshing they seem to have a sense of humor about it. Still, I just can’t imagine pinning up a sleeve every morning. Why go through the trouble?
Ah well, at least the pinned-up sleeve is someting consistent in this strip.
…or, “There Were Giants In The Earth.” The question I have is, why aren’t the band members playing on the football team? Look at the size of those creatures. Unless they’re all crammed on the scissors-lift, they must be around ten feet tall. No way some opposing team is going to get through a line of those guys! The dialogue above should read, “Please consider giving us all your money, or Band SMASH!” Unless what’s behind them is some prop goalpost, used in some wacky band skit. In which case…they don’t have money for classes, but they can buy props for band skits?
And I’m not buying the idea that this is some kind of “art mistake.” No way, Tom Batiuk was nominated for a Pulitzer, darn it, he wouldn’t make an error of that magnitude!
So, what did we learn this week? That bad things might happen in your life, and when they do, what you really need to do is pick yourself up, dust yourself off, then give up and walk away. Don’t even try to make a case for yourself or your viewpoint, because that’s just what they want you to do. Just don’t give ’em the satisfaction…you’ll find the smirks you can whip out generate plenty of satisfaction for you. And make certain to complain a lot as you go, because you always want to leave ’em wanting more, right? (Nota bene: that’s “more” and not “Moore.”)
I have heard rumors that there’s actually supposed to be a joke in the strip above. Fierce study by a squad of master detectives (plus some robots because they’re cool to have around) has failed to find any evidence of said “joke,” so I’m going to file that away under “Unlikely.”
…whatever the hell that means. It could be that, since people have to buy tickets to watch a losing football team go through the motions, they might buy more tickets to watch a terrible marching band go through similar motions. However, it seems more likely that the students are going to have to pay to participate in the football team and the band.
Let that sink in for a moment. We’ve just seen two solid weeks of Becky and Bull heaping abuse upon their students, humiliating them and calling their talents into question. What do you think the result is going to be when Bull gathers the team and tells them, “You’re worthless and weak! Now drop and give me twenty! Twenty dollars, that is, which plus another eighty is the fee you will pay for the privilege of playing football! You terrible, terrible losers! I hate you! But give me those checks or preferably cash, thanks.”
Yes, I know this is Westview, but how many students are masochistic enough to pay for this kind of humiliation? Even if the only alternative is the cornfield, I suspect that Bull, in another, better comic strip, would be presented with a pile of stacked helmets and the reverberating sound of lockers being slammed shut for the last time. And then “the team,” and thus “the band” would cease to exist.
However (there’s always a “however” in Westview), since this strip delineates the troubles faced by contemporary youth, and one of those troubles is marching band, let’s totally forget that the school can (apparently) afford a scissors-lift for the band director and an inflatable giant football helmet (and endless repair and replacement of same). We can see that the marching band is in no immediate danger. Despite the budget cuts and other assorted tribulations, Tom wants the band around…the same way he wants Lisa around. Forever.
Why? He clearly hates the football team, but without the team, the marching band has no function. Or does it?
Based solely on Funky Winkerbean (a phrase I hope I never hear the government utter), the band may have a life outside the reality imposed upon the comic strip. I can’t count how many arcs have focused on the marching band, but there have been a bunch of them. Becky, Dinkle, Owen, Cody…they’ve all been swallowed by the “marching band” maelstrom. They only exist for torture and disappointment…which are the twin axes of the Funky Winkerbean universe.
So…if they have to pay to play in the band…(and Tom Batiuk will make them do so…selling turkeys, selling blood, selling beloved comics, selling “something” to the beings that have preserved them in these horrific tanks)…whatever it takes, it will keep the band alive. He will keep the band alive. Because Tom Batiuk can’t kill the band. No…because the band tasks him and he shall have it. Killing the band is too easy, too quick, too final. He will chase the band ’round the moons of Nibia and ’round the Antares Maelstrom and ’round perdition’s flames before he will give them up!
Tom Batiuk has done far worse than kill the band…he’s hurt it. And he wishes to go on…hurting it. He will leave the band as he leaves us, as he left Lisa: marooned for all eternity in “a reality-based comic strip that depicts contemporary issues affecting young adults in a thought-provoking and sensitive manner”…buried alive! Buried alive…!
Forget about Dinkle’s execrable, mind-numbingly stupid “joke” and ignore the ridiculous notion of DSH John actually WANTING to spend more time with his incessantly complaining, miserable one-armed wife instead of hanging out in his tree fort with his comic books all day. No, the one truly noteworthy thing about this otherwise awful arc is the fact that Batom managed to go an entire week without featuring Becky’s infamous pinned-up sleeve even once! I know, amazing, right? She’s just letting that freak sleeve fly this week and I for one welcome the change because that tri-folded pinned-up sleeve always annoys the hell out of me.
Hopefully this marks the end of “Pandering To Band Directors In The Hope They’ll Clip These Strips And Tape Them To The Band Room Door” week because we’re really scraping the absolute bottom of the barrel here now. You’d think he’d put a little effort into these seeing how it’s a subject so near and dear to him, but I guess not, based on how staggeringly flaccid and feeble this arc was. Par for the course, I suppose.
Son of Stuck Funky 