Not the Van’again

It looks like Tombat finally secured enough of a budget to show instead of just tell. A wise move in this medium of art! It may not be enough to keep Les and crowd interested, however, as they’re starting to look as bored as most of the readers. I’m not sure why they’re facing “Jff” like they’re a firing squad but there’s not many places to go when a wall of text takes over your living room.

Today we finally get a peek at what went down that fabeled, magical night. Maybe. Actually, today’s comic left me even *more* confused than at the beginning of the week!


Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

43 responses to “Not the Van’again

  1. Don’t worry, Lisa’s bizarre flipper-like hand should deflect the blow.

  2. beckoningchasm

    That last panel looks like you could easily substitute Bull and Les. (Before Bull was retconned into Les’ guardian angel.)

  3. Epicus Doomus

    And thus the retcon officially begins. Frankie wasn’t merely some smooth-talking ladies’ man who seduced poor little virginal geek Lisa with some attention and a few wine coolers, oh my heavens no. Nope, turns out he was a Bushka-ish thug, a violent maniac who, before Pam & Jff saved the day, was prepared to pummel Her into a pulp with his evil, beefy fists if she continued to refuse to submit to his unholy, indecent advances. And odds are St. Lisa kept these memories to herself to spare Les the agony of having to hear about it…because that’s the kind of person Lisa was, always thinking of others.

    His “damsel in distress” Lisa drawing is worth the price of admission alone. And look at Summer in panel one…can you say “duhhhhh” for the camera? You can’t help but laugh at the sledgehammer-like subtlety here as Batom goes all-out to remind us that Frankie = bad. One wonders why Frankie would have been hanging around with a girl so nerdy she actually ended up with Les Moore, but then again there’s no reason to involve logic in any of this now, after all that’s already happened. Besides, thinking like that would ruin the retcon, you know?

  4. flappy

    where the heck did Cayla, Kieshas bio -mom an Kiesha ,Caylas bio daughter get off to , just not important to be in this Lisa love fest bathack ??

  5. Gyre

    I could be wrong, but I thought this took place in an alley or something. That doesn’t look like an alley.


    Wow!. So Lisa was actually beaten up and raped by a young John Kerry.

  7. Here 4 The Comments

    Flappy, I think they might be giving Freddy stroke man a bath.

  8. Jeffcoat Wayne

    “Of course, we didn’t get any closer than 500 yards because then we would, you know, have to get involved, and any way it was late and we wanted to get home in time to watch Carson do his faux golf swing.”

    Why all this crap about the alley, when Jeff and his wife Pam (is that her name?) are obviously walking across the street? The only thing it looks like they’re walking through is the middle of the street.

    And why is Frankie about to punch Lisa with his bare fists when he has that snazzy-looking hammer in his pocket that would easily do a better job? Couple of whacks with that, he might even knock the ugly off of ol’ Lisa.

  9. A young high school couple? What,were they each ten years old or something?

  10. S. Tortilla

    Oh my god! It was Bull all along! …wait.

  11. MKay

    I just want to smother this comic strip with a pillow.

  12. Jeffcoat Wayne

    Yep, Frankie learned how to beat women by watching Bull beat up Les! Well, Les and Lisa ended up together…. maybe we can wrap this story up by having Frankie and Bull run off into the sunset together (unless Lenny would have a problem, but who’s to say three has to be a crowd?)

  13. sourbelly

    So, Frankie beat the shit out of Lisa before raping her? OK, then.

    I’ve lost track of how many fingers Lisa has on her left hand. Is it six, or seven?

  14. Epicus Doomus

    It’s funny how he’s using those photo-holder corner thingies, like these are old nostalgic shapshots of days gone by, beloved memories in scrapbook form. Although I guess that in Westview, these ARE beloved memories.

    Is what we’re seeing actually Frankie The Puncher’s reaction upon learning that Lisa is pregnant? Because that would definitely make sense for Batom, as he’d avoid the always-touchy rape aspect of the story entirely while still implying that FTP is a scumbag and a cad. And Lisa still gets to be a victim/heroic martyr. It’s just a thought, I’m almost always wrong where trying to figure FW out is concerned.

    If he went that way it’d also segue nicely into a week of Boy Lisa muttering a bunch of platitudes about how awesome his adopto-parents and bio-mom and bio-step-dad are which, if I know my Batom, should lead nicely right into Fred’s funeral which should be sometime in late autumn when the leaves really start coming down.

  15. O.B. Dan

    This has got to be Batiuk’s worst retcon yet – and it has serious competition. Not only was Lisa NOT RAPED, she also didn’t look anywhere near that good. She was a lot frumpier, lumpier, and dumpier.

    And the storyline continues to suck all the louder and harder…

  16. O.B. Dan

    What happened to the link for Dean’s Comic Booth? You cutting him loose?

  17. bill mcneal

    This is sort of Batom’s sad twisted version of The Last Supper. Our dear Saint Lisa…One among you will betray our dear savior…

  18. Jimmy

    If the “like” function were available, Beconing Chasm would get 100 million (or about 15, which is the SOSF equivalent).

    The rest of you are right, though. This is simply the Bull/Les/Pee retcon redux.

  19. Jimmy

    Also, statute of limitations won’t stop TB.

  20. DOlz

    @Jimmy, nor the fact that the only one who could press charges is dead.

  21. Chyron HR

    So the rape that PmnJf witnessed consisted of Frankie threatening to hit Lisa while they were both fully clothed?

    Once again proving that there is a SImpsons quote for every occasion: “I don’t think you understand the mechanics of heterosexual sex.”

  22. Wow, I had no idea who that was in the SoSF masthead. Wow, Lisa, you really changed…I mean beside the cancer and all.

  23. Rusty

    Whenever I think the strip can’t get any dumber, I get hit with a Frankie fist.

    Again, wasn’t there a series of strips were pregnant Lisa was scolding drunk Frankie at Montoni’s? Why would there be any relationship at all in the future if he was beating on her?

  24. Helskor

    “Okay, Frankie, move your fist up a little higher so it’s not in front of your face- perfect, hold it there. Lisa, turn towards me a little. Good Now tilt your head back and look scared. Excellent. Let me check the exposure once more to make sure. All right, hold still and say ‘cancer,’ I mean ‘cheese.'”

  25. billytheskink

    Whoa, Jff has halfway morphed into Droopy there in panel 1.

    And for your visual reference, here’s a comparison of Act I and Act II-flashback Lisa. Interesting how the memories of her improve over time…

  26. Flummoxicated

    Jff did not age well, but then no one ages well in the Funkyverse. Today we have Batom Inc. showing an image FRAMED AND IN A SCRAPBOOK of a young woman getting physically abused – just one more instance of how Dear Author “depicts contemporary issues affecting young adults in a thought-provoking and sensitive manner.”

  27. John

    I guess Cayla and Keisha are off checking on the meatballs in a crockpot while Fred has been left all alone in an upstairs bedroom, the lights turned off while he silently weeps.

    June 12, 2013 at 11:15 pm (Edit)
    Wow! So Lisa was actually beaten up and raped by a young John Kerry.

    Comments like this make me miss the “Like” button.

  29. Oh, goody. I wonder which of them will lead the lynch mob when it comes time to kill Frankie’s dumb ass.

  30. beckoningchasm

    This whole arc should have been over in a couple of tick tocks, instead we’ve had time to drink a lake of cup a coffees.

    Incidentally, I think I’ve figured out one “point” (and I use the term loosely) for this arc. I think the real-life Frankie must have found out about his Winkerboarding in the strip and contacted Tom Batiuk to complain.

    “Hey, Tom, [name redacted] here. Say, I just saw your comic strip
    (Tom Batiuk thinks: “Comic” strip? INDEED. Strike one.)
    where you had me get that woman pregnant and then I abandoned her. You know that’s not how it happened, and I think you’re being pretty harsh. Just because I was able to afford that bitchin’ Camaro you had your eye on, and you could only buy the Pinto covered in duct tape..
    (Tom Batiuk thinks: argh. Strike two.)
    How did I find out? I found the book, man. What? Are you kidding? Of course not, I found it used in a Goodwill. Twenty-five cents, baby.
    (Tom Batiuk thinks: Aaaand you’re out.)
    Anyway…hello? Hello?”

  31. Smirks 'R Us

    I am going along with Epicus on this one. This will turn out to be FTR’s response to St. Lisa advising him she’s preggers, and she is going to keep the baby (natch). I don’t think even BatHack is that tone deaf to have this be the actual (retconned) rape.

    P.S. — I miss the like button too. Some of this stuff is hilarious.

  32. S.P. Charles

    I’m no expert on the subject, but is this the way rape works? “Come inside my van and let me have sex with you or I’ll punch you in the head”?

  33. John

    Well, rape is never really about sex. Or very rarely is. Mostly, it’s about control.

  34. Chyron HR

    Maybe, but being a bio-dad is pretty much exclusively about sex (barring in-vitro fertilization).

  35. S.P. Charles

    True, John, but I’m wondering about the logistics here: “Okay, don’t punch me in the head, and I’ll go in the van and have sex with you.” It just seems… awkward.

  36. Epicus Doomus

    I’m still leaning toward this being Frankie The Puncher’s reaction upon learning that he’s fathered Boy Lisa. BatFail shies away from anything “controversial” like a baby rabbit shies away from a hungry feral cat, so I can’t see him actually depicting (or even describing) an actual sexual assault. It will only be implied that Lisa & FTP were in the throes of an “abusive relationship” and nothing more. “The gang” will approach FTP and use this “new information” to discredit FTP’s “TV show” by reminding him that he wanted nothing to do with the child who (unfortunately) became the universally-despised Boy Lisa, at which point FTP will slink away back to his dumpy pad back in Centerville (or wherever), never to be seen or mentioned again. Then they’ll all gather at Montoni’s to swap Lisa stories and smirk at Fred’s incoherent mutterings and this go-nowhere “story” will finally, mercifully come to an end.

  37. Panels 2 & 3: Who was taking those photos? WHO WAS TAKING THOSES PHOTOS?

    Also, I miss the Like and Preview buttons…

  38. Rusty

    Not only “who was taking those photos,” but “What the hell kind of photo album is this?”

  39. beckoningchasm

    Epicus – you’re probably entirely correct, except for one thing: if that was the case, this arc could be over in two months, instead of six.

  40. beckoningchasm

    Actually, if I may add to Epicus’ prediction, I think “the Gang” will approach Frankie and he’ll say “Prove it! My word against yours!”

    At his point, the Gang will then find the very office of Fated Fatherhood where Frankie arranged for Lisa to have an abortion. What we’re seeing in these snapshots is his reaction to her refusal to keep that appointment. Now they’ll have actual paper proof (because of course Fated Fatherhood would give it) and Frankie will have to disappear.

    And Lisa thus keeps her sainthood.

    That should take care of at least another three months.

  41. Jeffcoat Wayne

    I thought the “proof” was going to be Lisa’s secret dossier, the one where she wrote all these events down verbatim in the days before VHS were invented. Which of course will be discovered by amateur supersleuth Les, who’ll be motivated into action once Jeff finishes his story. The ultimate irony is that, until Frankie tried to weasel into Les’ “Lisa’s Story” fortunes, no one really cared bout the circumstances behind Darin’s inception. Actually, they still don’t. Westview’s gravitational pull only orbits around the memory of Lisa. Which reminds me: We’re all waiting on that next round of coffee, Cayla. Snap to it.

  42. Epicus Doomus

    It just seems like the path of least resistance, which is how TB usually does things. Plus it has that ambiguity he likes when he “tackles things”, he’s not going to do anything that might offend or stir up those band directors in the heartland that tape his strips to the sides of their filing cabinets, they’re his bread and butter. Then again, I’m rarely correct about FW arcs, somehow he always finds some inventively stupid way to confound me.

  43. A HREF

    So Les and the gang are going to threaten to expose Frankie unless he behaves?

    Blackmail is such an ugly word.

    Let’s just call it extortion, instead.

    Maybe this is the Grand Finale and everyone ends up in jail just like the finale to Senfield.

    I still like my idea of Crazy Harry waking up from a dream a la Newhart, though.