Month: March 2018

Fear And Loathing In Ohio

Link To This One

Because Ohioians FEAR Pete and Boy Lisa’s return because they LOATHE them so much. GET IT? Suddenly it appears that these two imbeciles will indeed be returning to the community of their portentous youth, Olde Westview Towne, home of half-price large pies (pick-up only) on Tuesdays and the world’s smallest and least-comfortable comic book store. Boy Lisa has already decided what to tell his wife to think so he’s on board and Pete is pining away for that annoying Crankshaft girl he hung out with that one time and everyone knows that the sin and decadence of Hollywood is no match for the simple-yet-wry homespun Westviewian values that go hand in hand with meeting women from other comic strips and starting a comic strip family, so all signs definitely point to him being on board as well. Sounds fantastic, can’t wait (sound of shotgun racking).

But no one cares about that idiocy. The artwork really takes center stage today. There’s Boy Lisa’s awesome leather jacket in panel one….”ayyyyy, it’s the Darr! Whoa, sit on it, Pete! Step into my office, Reynolds! Whoa!”. The most unintentionally hilarious moment of 2018 so far. Then there’s Boy Lisa in panel three…wow. That is simply epic. I have NEVER seen the term “lantern-jawed noodnik” embodied as well as it’s embodied there. And the way the back of his head has that perfect 90 degree angle, it’s literally a block. And that hair…I assume he gets it done at the place where the cast of 90210 used to go. A spectacular effort by the New Guy, just superlative work.

Hollywood Squares

Link To Today’s One

“So what do you think about having me repeat the premise one more goddamned f*cking time, Darin?”

“Well, I’d sure hate to force my always-complaint wife and young son to move again just so I can chase yet another ridiculous comic book-related pipe dream……”

“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

As their Hyndau Axolotl chugs down Hagglemore Lane in a cloud of leaded gasoline smoke, the “guys” ponder their next move. Do they blow off their commitments and a potentially lucrative payday to write silly dialog and doodle on behalf of Chester’s wildly half-assed idea or do they continue to humiliate and degrade themselves on Hollywood’s cruel, sadistic, indifferent and depraved altar instead? Decisions, decisions. They wanted to add a ninety year old actor they found living in squalor to a half-finished movie and bam, just like that he’s a global superstar getting married to ninety year old starlets. But pondering a job offer? That will require months if not years of endless introspection and rehashing as they very slowly ponder this crucial comic book-altering choice.

I almost can’t believe this is still going. This arc began back on February 12th, this is (gasp) week six right now. Not a whole lot of modern-day FW arcs go on for this long, especially consecutively like this. We’ve seen more Boy Lisa over the last six weeks than we’ve seen in years, it wasn’t all that long ago when the poor sap couldn’t even get a single weekly arc to himself. And everyone was OK with that, actually. But I have to say, this arc’s annoying staying power sort of surprises me, mindlessly skipping from story to story is kind of his trademark and it’s jarring when he doesn’t do it.

Sunday BatNom Fun Day

Link To Today’s Anticlimax

Many years ago, back during the legendary “Lisa Dies” ultra-mega arc, BatWad did a Sunday strip featuring Lisa receiving some sort of radiation therapy treatment. If you happened to miss that arc, it didn’t work. Anyway, I was patronizing a local NJ convenience store (Wawa) at some ungodly hour of the night/morning and the Sunday newspaper supplements and comics had just been delivered and were all stacked up outside. That FW Sunday strip was right on top, plastered all over every one of those bundles and I remember thinking “the average person is going to assume that FW is the work of some sort of total madman and they’ll be correct”.

That random FW Sunday strip memory segues nicely into this one, particularly the randomness. The Sunday strips are nothing but totally random, there’s never any rhyme or reason to explain why they exist or why they’re running when they are and nothing ever happens during any of them either. He’ll do a two week arc where both Sunday strips involve that arc, then he’ll do a two month arc where none of them have anything to do with anything at all.

So that’s what we’re pretending “Cory” looks like now, eh? Nice to see BatNom easing him back into the fray and not saddling him with any kind of character development or updates or anything. That way when we see him again in 2021 he’ll still seem fresh. And I am assuming the pizza delivery guy is supposed to be Wally, although who the hell really knows anymore? Nice to see those college courses really paying dividends career-wise for Buddy’s favorite human, as just a few years ago he was still toiling away in the (shudder) kitchen.  If it isn’t Wally, kindly disregard.

It’s always funny when a FW character suddenly reappears after a long absence. Darin and Jessica showing up at Les’ house out of nowhere, Khan (or Kahn) showing up at Les and Cayla’s wedding, that time Jinx offered support for Jessica’s ill-fated documentary film making dreams, Bull’s placekicking daughter and so forth. Every so often he just feels compelled to let his readers know that these characters still exist in some sort of off-screen Funkyverse which is no doubt way, way more entertaining than this one is.

 

Dork & Mindy

Link To Today’s Anticlimax

More like Chester Humblebrag, amirite? I like how Pete announces that Mindy is calling, like he had to prove there was really only one virgin in the room or something. As I hypothesized earlier this week, could this be Batnard’s way of moving these two imbeciles back to ol’ Westview Towne or is it just the usual collection of totally unrelated events that won’t ever lead anywhere? Only time…lots and lots and lots of time…will tell.

So apparently Chester collects pretty much everything. “Would you like to see my Beatles “butcher” cover/first edition Legos/collection of rare Yoo-Hoo bottle caps/baseball cards of every single Tampa Bay Ray ever/collection of pre-industrial age gynecological instruments?”. At least the reasons behind Chester’s bachelorhood were made abundantly clear this week, he’s the spoiled kid everyone hated who’d “be your friend” if you’d hang around and let him show you all his cool stuff. His bizarre lifestyle, that feeble “presentation”, the collectibles, the facial hair…it all paints a picture all right, a very very sad picture.

So naturally these two idiots will pounce all over his stupid offer…eventually…only to rue the day when they accepted his daffy proposal. I hope Boy Lisa and Jessica end up with a spare room and a cot, as the apartment over Montoni’s is currently occupied by yet another forty-something year old kid “just starting out” so Pete’s shit out of luck there. I’m looking forward to Jessica’s unbelievably unrealistic reaction upon learning that her husband has once again made an important life decision without talking to her first, which seems to be a real trend with this Boy Lisa guy.

Ticking Away The Moments That Make Up A Dull Forty-Six Years

Link To Today’s Thing

Sigh. Like five interminable weeks wasn’t “enough time”. This might be BatNard’s way of bringing Pete and Boy Lisa back into the Westview fold, although I don’t know of anyone who’s been clamoring for that to happen or what difference it could possibly make, unless he’s planning some sort of sick “Crankshaft” crossover wedding with that Mindy chick or something…(shudder). I certainly wouldn’t put it past him.

I like how business in the Funkyverse moves every bit as slowly as everything else does. It took well over a month to just get to Chester’s pitch and now we’re forced to wait some more while these two morons ponder their decision? Not that I can entirely blame them for being disoriented and confused, as Chester’s entire pitch consisted of a comic book nostalgia rant and an old stock photo of an atom bomb test blast.

This whole stupid arc is way funnier if you just substitute pizza for comic books. Pete and Boy Lisa are busy in Pizzaland writing the new Pizzaman movie when wealthy pizza mogul Chester Pizzamore contacts them about a new pizza proposal. Chester, who became wealthy after stealing Golden Age pizzas from the pizzeria where he worked as a boy, is sick and tired of these grim n’ gritty newfangled pizzas and wants to bring back the pizza he enjoyed as a young boy, without all the fancy toppings and calzones and deep-dishes and etc. Just good pizza where you have no problem separating the crust from the slice. Pete and Boy Lisa become confused, then take a break for lunch. See? It’s a vast improvement.