Epicus Doomus

Through The Boredom Of Future Past

The artwork is just awesome today. I like how everything is just blackness, it reflects the content of the author’s mind so effectively. Is this a record for “most individual word balloons in a single-panel FW strip”? If not, please do NOT show me the current record holder.

If Harry hasn’t tried out the time pool how does he know it works? Why is Lisa all hunched over like she’s freezing cold? If I were her I’d get that checked out. Twice. Why does she want to visit 1990? Isn’t that just a tad unambitious of her? Why does Holly assume they’ll all be “long gone” by 2015? Ooops, yeah that’s right, I almost forgot. And isn’t it really 2025 in the Funkyverse? Or are we now officially ignoring the infamous “time jump”? Then there’s the biggest question of them all…are they EVER going to actually do this thing or will they spend another week talking about it instead? Talk about plodding.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Dick Face’s annoying propensity for bringing everyone and everything down. Even then he was such a dick. The guy discovers a time pool and he’s already finding ways for it to fail. He’s nothing if not consistent. Truly a dick for the ages, a timeless asshole whose annoyingness spans decades.

Past Dense

Link To Today’s Thing

Even time travel is a snore in the Funkyverse. Crazy discovers a time portal and the only thing that comes to mind is to invite his dimwitted pals to gawk at it. Then they make inane stupid “observations” in a way that suggests they’re not all that impressed. Totally Batiukian. Maybe they could travel back to 1972 or whatever and convince Batom to get himself a nice accounting degree or something.

God, is Lisa irritating or what? Why is she even there? I don’t think she even attended WHS in the first place. And I’m sorry, but retcon photo album corners go with sepia-tone, otherwise it’s totally inappropriate. And why is Crazy the only one that remembers any of this? Sigh. I hope they eventually jump into this thing, as right now it appears they’ll be talking about it for a week and a half.

The Dud Pool

Link To Today’s Strip

No worries there Bull, as it’s a safe bet that you won’t be finding any jokes around here. TFH has helpfully informed me that this “time pool” idiocy has something to do with (surprise) comic books, which (surprise) instantly caused my eyes to glaze over as usual. In case you’re newer around here, that’s Funky, Holly, Crazy, Lisa, DickFace, Cindy and Bull. You see, back “in the day” Crazy had a magical locker that opened up into a far-out stoner hangout room where he listened to pizzas on his turntable, played air guitar and apparently lived. No, I’m serious. It might have been helpful to take a day to explain this to newer FW readers. Ha, just kidding, as there are no newer FW readers.

Anyhow, as usual BanTom retcons the past all wrong, as Bull and Cindy never hung out with drips like Les and Lisa. In fact, I don’t remember Lisa EVER hanging with the gang in Act I, unless her water was breaking or whatever. Holly (sigh) did however always wear that dopey outfit, so that’s accurate at least.

Retcon Lisa is just as grating as she’s ever been, dropping a “topical” reference where she refers to Carl Sagan’s old PBS show that was all the rage back when she was alive and still childless. She was way uglier than that back then too. I prefer her dead anyhow, so maybe I’m biased. Perhaps we’ll get to capture a glimpse of what FW might have been like if TB had allowed her to survive. My guess is that it would have been just as boring, but with Lisa.

We Don’t Call Him Batty For Nothing

Link to today’s strip

Hey gang, it is I, Epicus, ready to steer the S.S. SoSF through a magical journey where time and newsprint collide in a cavalcade of…well, not really. It’s just another whacked-out FW arc. But still.

Apparently the muttering ~~mailman~~ comic book store lackey Harry is mindlessly jabbering about some sort of “time pool” he had stashed in his super-secret high school locker. Wonder if there’s a Pulitzer in there? Probably not….ZING! Just when you didn’t think it would be possible for the huge reunion arc to get any dumber, here you go. If you were born after 1980 this probably makes no sense whatsoever to you, but trust me, by the end of the week it won’t be much clearer.

In case you’ve already forgotten about the last time travel arc, Funky went into a coma after turning down a vodka and orange after dumping Pa Bean at Bedside Manor, during which he visited his younger self and advised his younger self to purchase a copy of “Starbuck Jones” #1, which he used to save his business after cocking it all up somehow (which happened way before the coma, BTW). Then that bit of drollery was forgotten and all of a sudden SJ # 576 (or whatever) was the priceless collectible one. I know, but seriously, that’s how it happened. Betcha this one is WAY better than that one was!!!

Snore Ensemble

Link To Today’s Strip

Just a few short years ago, Pa Bean was suffering from dementia so severe he could do little more than mutter incoherently. But now, just completely out of nowhere, he’s a lovable wisecracking old coot who can suddenly read music, play the trombone AND smoke cigarettes (and possibly the funniest character in the strip as well). Once again Batiuk uses “tragedy” to wring out a few dollops of cheap easy pathos, then reverts to his wordplay and pun-filled natural state while ignoring the character history he himself established. He basks in the attention he gets for the subject matter then he abandons it after it’s served its purpose (talking points for boring interviews). What a hack.

We also see another one of his diabolical little “writing” tricks on display as well. Instead of telling one of his inane little stories from start to finish like a normal person, he inexplicably hopscotches around from story to story in a random way (as you’ll also see next week when you’re saying to yourself “oh yeah, THAT thing again”). IMO he does it deliberately for the purpose of confusing and alienating potential readers so they’ll avoid the strip thus making it easier to churn out this idiotic drivel while exerting as little effort as is humanly possible. It’s all part of the scam. It has to be.

And this f*cking Dinkle asshole. Remember when he used him to wring a little more of that aforementioned pathos out of him by causing him to go deaf? Now, of course, he’s an “adorable” old coot, beloved by all despite being a real jerk most of the time. And he apparently hears just fine now. Now THAT’S Batiukian. It’s a certain indefinable quality that separates FW from things that makes sense and entertain.

So lesson one is: if you’re suffering from Alzheimer’s or profound hearing loss, head on over to Westview where miracles await (not applicable with cancer, that’s a crap shoot). Lesson two is: if you’re looking to find out just how little momentum a “story” can have, welcome to paradise. Likewise if you’re looking for poorly-realized (and very stupid) characters, godawful “writing” and/or truly terrible jokes, puns and gags that center around idiotic bits of dumb wordplay. It’s also terrific if you’re the sort of person who enjoys the beginning of stories but not so much the middles and the endings.

Yikes, that was a lot of complaining over a relatively inoffensive piece of FW claptrap, eh? Oh well. Stay tuned, as the Original SoSF Guest Snarker DavidO makes his triumphant return.