Epicus Doomus

Sympathy For The Drivel

Like how TomBat is doing, let’s forget for a moment that Wallace “optioned” Les’ cancer book after reading it so he was obviously well aware of what he was buying. Let’s also ignore the fact that this screenplay is little more than a re-write of that very same cancer book. I don’t really have a point here other than you must overlook those gigantic glaring plot holes lest you double over in laughter like Les’ imaginary feline friend over how amazingly stupid this story is. “Beautiful work of art”…c’mon Tom, enough is enough already.

You see, television is a genre with no room whatsoever for “art” of any kind, much less the greatest piece of cancer death-related art of ALL TIME. A story as magnificent as “Lisa’s Story” belongs in a medium capable of letting its brilliance shine through unfettered, like a book or a comic strip or maybe even a compilation of comic strips in book form. But not TV, uh-uh, no f*cking way. Because TV is about entertainment, dammit, and if Beardo can’t accept that he might as well take his stupid cancer screenplay and go back to his front porch where he can while away the rest of his days wallowing in nostalgia and making annoying wordplay-based wisecracks every three seconds.

Ahhh shit, I should have put a spoiler alert there, as I just totally blew the big Act IV twist. Oh well, not like you didn’t all know it was coming anyway, you know?

Compliments Of The Louse

Link To Today’s Strip

“A beautiful work of art”…wish fulfillment much, TomBat? Obviously we’re about to get a crash course in Hollywood scumbaggery courtesy of Clay Wallace, who will gently explain how Hollywood needs to take his work of utter genius and pack it full of dick, boob and fart jokes so the unwashed sweaty slobbering masses on either side of the country can digest it properly. Because that’s what these Hollywood scumbags do for a living, at least according to a certain gazebo-loving mid-central Ohioian who prefers his simple small town ways to the sleazy glitz and tawdry glamor of the Big City, which is probably why no one’s ever optioned FW (or that other strip he does) for a film deal. What other reason could there be, eh?

Check out the smug look on his puss in panel three. The Delicate Genius doing what he does best, basking in praise. What a dick. And why is the cat still following him around? This must be quite confusing to newer (ha) readers unfamiliar with this particular rehashed gimmick. Hell, I’m confused myself and I read this crap every day, you know?

“A beautiful work of art”…oh man, that’s just hilarious. It’s just the cancer book in screenplay form, how fundamentally different could it possibly be? It’s just so funny how the fictional cancer book is a revelatory work of literary brilliance but the real cancer book is just a colllection of depressing cartoons. The whole author/avatar Les/Tom thing is always irritating but especially so during these stupid cancer book arcs, it’s just so obnoxious.

The Fix Is In

Link To Today’s Strip

And so it begins, TB’s ultimate wish-fulfillment arc, the one where he really lets those Hollywood scumbags have it via his unique mix of wry annoying sarcasm and maudlin, bland pathos. Just look at this Wallace jerk, already oozing smug smarm all over the place as he plots his scheme to turn Les’ beloved cancer book into some sort of softcore cable porn nightmare. Poor LesTom, always being forced to defend the cancer book’s honor against those who would soil it with their greasy thumbprints and perverse suggestions. No wonder he can’t eat or get boners. Les, I mean. I’m not sure about Batom, though.

I see Le Chat is in there too, so prepare for a week ridden with angst, self-loathing and crippling doubt over his special cancer book. “Lisa’s Story”…it’s the book that keeps dropping those shoes, over and over again. (SPOILER ALERT)…she dies at the end.

First Class Jackass

Link To Today’s Strip

No, Le Chat, actually it’s a classic case of annoying wuss angst being relentlessly beaten into the ground by a sad old hack. There’s definitely a guy pretending to be a “writer” here and I don’t mean Dickface, either. I have never wanted to see a surface-to-air missile used more than I want to see one used today. F*ck you, Les and f*ck you too, Pulitzer (nominee) Boy. Charles Schulz must be spinning in his grave tonight, poor guy.

This is one of those exceptionally annoying FWs where Les is eminently punchable in every single panel, including the disembodied Sunday strip head. God how I detest and loathe this whiny, simpering moron and his pathetic cancer book. And I likewise detest and loathe the way BatBrain wallows around in his ridiculous writer fantasies, endlessly bitching about the joylessness of it all like it’s the worst possible way to make a living. If it sucks so much then quit, you can always just re-run the old strips “FBOFW”-style, no one will ever notice the difference anyway. What a pair of whiny sorry saps.

Dys-Funktion

Link To Today’s Strip

OMG that’s f*cking disgusting. I seriously think I’m going to vomit. Just thinking about it makes me want to retch. Seriously man, that’s the most frightening Funky profile I have EVER seen and I’ve seen them all. Man alive, is that a terrifying drawing or what? If you go from panel to panel it’s like the evolution of early man.

So Les can’t sleep, eat or get erections (bluuurgh) and he hallucinates talking cats who like to chip away at his self esteem. It’s so reassuring to know that Tombat can still relate so well with the everyday people who read his strip, you know? I think it’s safe to say that her comments today pretty much cement Cayla’s status as the least realistic character in the history of fiction because…well, I think it’s pretty obvious why. Nice to see that Montoni’s is as busy as ever too.

Coming next week: “Defenders Of The Faith” starring Les Moore as Tom Batiuk and you beady-eyed nitpickers as “Hollywood”! Cheer for Les as he defends the cancer book’s honor! Weep with him as he recounts the tragic sequence of contrivances that led to her horrible death! Come for the puns…stay for the wordplay! (Remember folks, “Lisa’s Story…The Other Shoe“ is still available wherever ~~fine books~~ collections of old comic strips are sold!)