Epicus Doomus

I Think She Meant To Say “Binge Eat”

Uh yeah, sure, Tom. The internet killed Christmas caroling, just like it killed comic book collecting and band directing and stinky old movie houses and band boxes and the virtual anonymity of comic strip authors. And “binge watching” is somehow involved too. It’s just so sad and so typical of these troubled times to see a woman in her late fifties remind her badly aging and increasingly decrepit husband to refrain from walking door to door in a raging blizzard and stay inside and be entertained instead. What IS this world coming to?

It’d have been funnier if he did a Xmas week arc where Funky calls his old pals, only to be greeted with different variations of “what are you, nuts?”. But it was “funnier” it just wouldn’t be FW, now would it?

And Then Deprussian Set In

Link To Today’s Strip

So John decided to just stop by WHS to see if Becky, his wife, needed a ride home? How does she usually get home? Couldn’t he have just called her first?

Heh heh, that’s a good one, as everyone knows how regimented that Prussian army used to be. See, this is an example of our pal BatDerp trying too hard not to inadvertently offend someone. The German army, the Russian army, the US army…someone somewhere might take offense, but the Prussian army?

“Dear Akron Daily Bugle,

The “Funky Winkerbean” comic strip that ran on December 22nd was very offensive to all Prussian army veterans, as it implied that the Prussian military was very tightly-wound and regimented. My experience in the Prussian army was quite the opposite, as our commanders always promoted a relaxed and genial atmosphere. I demand a retraction and must insist that you stop publishing this blatant anti-Prussian propaganda at once.”

Not bloody likely. Anyhow, it’s pretty pathetic to see Becky STILL having to point out the differences between herself and the guy she replaced as band director a hundred years ago. “I do things differently than Harry did”…well good for you, Becky.

Becky The Heretic

Link To Today’s Strip

Becky prefers CONCERT band over MARCHING band??? Burn her at the stake! Crucify her! Wait…scratch that second suggestion. I mean you’d need to hire someone to build a special cross and surely the Americans With Disabilities Act would come into play and with the WHS budget being what it is and all…

But anyway, yeah, winter in Ohio is cold. The thing that really stands out here is Dinkle’s out of character reaction. He’s just standing there with that moronic grin on his face as his prized one-armed protege essentially spits in the face of everything he’s ever stood for. If he’s going to react like that what’s the point of this “gag” at all? And what the f*ck does this have to do with Christmas?

Bring The Funk

Link To The Sunday Strip

Funky is by far the Most Powerful Man In Westview…a pizza kingpin AND chairman of the local chamber of commerce…so if anyone can get ol’ Adeela out of this pickle, surely he can. Guffaw. And getting that busybody Holly involved guarantees she’ll play some vital role in all of this. Maybe next week he could get Morty and Funky’s mother-in-law involved too. Weren’t they a thing a few years back?

I’ve just about had it with Adeela, Wally, Rachel and the whole damn lot of them so it’s time to turn this plodding exercise in time-killing over to our resident Funkstorian, billytheskink, who’ll be steering you through both the jailhouse visit AND the week where they all talk about the jailhouse visit. This one is even worse than the tornado siren arc and it might even turn out to be longer, which just boggles the mind.

Deportation Orders Don’t Upset Us!

Link To Today’s Strip

Mistaken identity, the cold unfeeling hand of law enforcement and government red tape, the forces of The Universe constantly conspiring to destroy the spirits of the little people…(zzzzzzzzz).

Oh, where were we? Oh yeah, Adeela got arrested and they’re going to deport her immediately unless…(zzzzzzz). Oops, sorry, that keeps happening for some reason. Methinks this ponderous story might have a wee bit more “impact”, let’s say, if I or anyone else actually gave a shit about Adeela and her sad cadre of annoying Montoni’s pals. But we don’t and it doesn’t. Like every Act III prestige arc, it has all the impact of a soggy paper towel landing in a wastebasket and unlike the soggy paper towel you don’t even get the satisfaction of making the shot when you toss it in.

Coming soon: Adeela continues being worried. The Gang continues to be concerned. Someone tries to help but is thwarted by The Universe, then someone else somehow saves the day. Pizza is served and consumed and smirks are exchanged.