Epicus Doomus

Dork & Mindy

More like Chester Humblebrag, amirite? I like how Pete announces that Mindy is calling, like he had to prove there was really only one virgin in the room or something. As I hypothesized earlier this week, could this be Batnard’s way of moving these two imbeciles back to ol’ Westview Towne or is it just the usual collection of totally unrelated events that won’t ever lead anywhere? Only time…lots and lots and lots of time…will tell.

So apparently Chester collects pretty much everything. “Would you like to see my Beatles “butcher” cover/first edition Legos/collection of rare Yoo-Hoo bottle caps/baseball cards of every single Tampa Bay Ray ever/collection of pre-industrial age gynecological instruments?”. At least the reasons behind Chester’s bachelorhood were made abundantly clear this week, he’s the spoiled kid everyone hated who’d “be your friend” if you’d hang around and let him show you all his cool stuff. His bizarre lifestyle, that feeble “presentation”, the collectibles, the facial hair…it all paints a picture all right, a very very sad picture.

So naturally these two idiots will pounce all over his stupid offer…eventually…only to rue the day when they accepted his daffy proposal. I hope Boy Lisa and Jessica end up with a spare room and a cot, as the apartment over Montoni’s is currently occupied by yet another forty-something year old kid “just starting out” so Pete’s shit out of luck there. I’m looking forward to Jessica’s unbelievably unrealistic reaction upon learning that her husband has once again made an important life decision without talking to her first, which seems to be a real trend with this Boy Lisa guy.

Ticking Away The Moments That Make Up A Dull Forty-Six Years

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Sigh. Like five interminable weeks wasn’t “enough time”. This might be BatNard’s way of bringing Pete and Boy Lisa back into the Westview fold, although I don’t know of anyone who’s been clamoring for that to happen or what difference it could possibly make, unless he’s planning some sort of sick “Crankshaft” crossover wedding with that Mindy chick or something…(shudder). I certainly wouldn’t put it past him.

I like how business in the Funkyverse moves every bit as slowly as everything else does. It took well over a month to just get to Chester’s pitch and now we’re forced to wait some more while these two morons ponder their decision? Not that I can entirely blame them for being disoriented and confused, as Chester’s entire pitch consisted of a comic book nostalgia rant and an old stock photo of an atom bomb test blast.

This whole stupid arc is way funnier if you just substitute pizza for comic books. Pete and Boy Lisa are busy in Pizzaland writing the new Pizzaman movie when wealthy pizza mogul Chester Pizzamore contacts them about a new pizza proposal. Chester, who became wealthy after stealing Golden Age pizzas from the pizzeria where he worked as a boy, is sick and tired of these grim n’ gritty newfangled pizzas and wants to bring back the pizza he enjoyed as a young boy, without all the fancy toppings and calzones and deep-dishes and etc. Just good pizza where you have no problem separating the crust from the slice. Pete and Boy Lisa become confused, then take a break for lunch. See? It’s a vast improvement.

Money is The Root Of All Comic Books

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At long last FW is finally addressing “real life” concerns, like the ones “young people today” face each and every day. No, no one was diagnosed with anything but Pete and Boy Lisa have, for the very first time, expressed an actual plausible concern. Mark this day down!

Chester is a somewhat contrary fella there, you know? Just two days ago he was cracking wise about abandoning the lifelong principles his dream was built upon if it’d be profitable, but today all of a sudden he’s not in it for the money. It can’t be both there, Thomas. It’s also sort of jarring to see Chester…a multi-millionaire, mind you…expressing shock and surprise when Pete and Boy Lisa dare to inquire about money. He literally had weeks to prepare for this meeting, did he seriously believe money wouldn’t be mentioned? What a dolt. As I mentioned a few days ago, the inconsistency of the Chester character indicates that BatYak is all out of ideas here and just throwing things against his whiteboard to see what (ahem) sticks.

I am assuming that after they take the Atomic Comics gig and Chester assumes the Brady role they’ll both end up toiling in misery in the depths of Chester’s comic book mill, only pausing to daydream about what it must have been like to be a screenwriter and storyboarder “back in the day” and the entire Pete and Boy Lisa saga will finally come full circle and end up butting its head on its own ass into infinity like some sort of really dull perpetual motion contraption that’s nothing but a monument to its own uselessness. Or maybe Atomic Comics will be a huge success and Pete & Boy Lisa will win an award made of Belgian chocolate, then fly back to Ohio for some delicious pizza. Anything and nothing is always possible with FW.

The Dicey Shipwreck Hits Bedrock Or Something

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Sigh. Even BatYak’s own personal comic book fantasies are full of indecision, waffling and confusing metaphors. Our dimwitted heroes are clearly unimpressed by Chester’s moronic idea, which makes one wonder why they didn’t just discuss this over the phone or via email or text or something instead of driving all the way to Ohio for no real reason. I’m slightly surprised that two guys who still play with Flash treadmills and “dollies” are so pragmatic about this, as it’s somewhat out of character. But something that’s very much IN character is the way BatHack’s personal fantasy world is every bit as boring and overly-chatty as FW is.

Who “says” when you build a ship you’re building a shipwreck? Remind me to avoid Batom Inc.’s ship-building division, please. I mean wow, talk about a negative approach. When Funky builds a pizza is it standard to expect a few hairs in it? When Les teaches a student are we to expect that student to be an illiterate dolt? When Masone makes a film should he expect it to bomb horribly? When a comic strip writer puts together a five week long arc about starting a new comic book company should it culminate with the lead characters shrugging indifferently? The constant smirking and wry wordplay belies the sick and disturbed darkness at the heart of this strip. These people, always with the dropping shoes.

Hello Mister Kettle Black, My Name Is Pot

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“Gratuitous deaths”…LOL! Act III was built on gratuitous deaths…well, in fairness it was only one. But still, it was REALLY gratuitous. Sigh, they don’t kill ’em off like that anymore, no siree they don’t.

Well, for starters this strip marks the exact moment Batom lost interest in the premise. Chester is already cynically compromising his principles regarding his lifelong passion, which means BatNom has run out of dialog already, which means we’re probably in for a week’s worth of premise rehashing followed by a panel of tentative pondering followed by a ten month hiatus before this story reappears out of nowhere like a persistent rash. The nonsense about the comic books of yore was the entire point of this five week trudge, now that he’s there he’s all out of ideas and I guarantee there aren’t any in the forecast either.

Speaking of comic books of yore, what era of comic book history is BatChest babbling about here? Is he talking about the comic books of the 1950s specifically here or is this era of comic book history just a hypothetical fantasy thing that never actually existed? Maybe if he wasn’t so f*cking lazy he could have fleshed out the 1950s style comic book title he already created instead of wasting a month and a half on a pointless boring rant about how comic books were so much better in the 1950s but those who can do and those who can’t complain, I suppose.