The Analogies Of A Short Distance Runner

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Ol’ Man Winkerbean, fifty-five going on eighty-eight. Pass the baton, break the tape…what, is Montoni’s somehow involved in some sort of bizarre long-term business competition or something? “I’ll be damned if Kowalski Shoe Repair beats ME for longest continually operating Westviewian business! Help me pull out these IV tubes”. All of a sudden he’s Carl Lewis with the running references even though when he does run all he does is complain about it.

It’s pretty funny how Wally needed to earn a six-year business management degree in order for his uncle to consider him worthy of operating his pizza business. Working for six years to earn a college degree only to find yourself exactly where you were when you started…that’s just so, so Wally. Then again maybe he’s just pacing himself and biding his time until he hits his 80s and life becomes wacky and zany again. Either way it’s profoundly depressing, I mean hasn’t he already suffered enough?

Arrivederci, Sir Tony

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So Tony came back for two days specifically to a) remind the readers that Wally is finally graduating and b) leave again almost immediately. It’s funny how everyone naturally assumed Tony was in Florida, a situation that needed no further explanation or embellishment, but actually he was right there at Montoni’s the whole time, which of course also meant that he was still seeing Wally regularly and probably would have known all about his upcoming graduation thereby rendering the last two days even more inexplicable. So in just two days BanTom revisited a character no one was clamoring for or talking about and who had no loose plot threads to speak of and created a whole series of new and even stupider questions about that character, questions that can never and will never be resolved or spoken of again. All just to get that “God’s waiting room” gag into the strip. Truly a master crapstman at work.

Cavalcade Of The Forgotten

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Holy shit on a shingle, it’s Tony! It’s been YEARS since he’s made an appearance. Ditto the infamous green pitcher. Tony is off to Florida for the winter, as indicated by his staggeringly gaudy retiree shirt, commonly used to establish retirement among adorable old coots. Which begs the question: why does he keep coming back to Ohio if he’s retired? I don’t know but, as I pointed out yesterday, at least it doesn’t involve Les or comic books, so the fact that this conversation makes almost no sense at all is largely irrelevant. Dare I say that as a longtime FW reader I’m actually almost enjoying this daily parade of long neglected characters, as I think everyone’s had their fill of Atomik Komix for the next few decades.

That’s A Good Boy

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FW’s most beloved character (by far) is finally back! No, not that bizarre Wally impostor, whoever he is. Of course I’m referring to Buddy The PTSD Service Dog, who’s as fuzzy and lovable as ever. It’s about goddamned time too. That’s a good, good dog!

Mysteries abound in today’s somewhat peculiar installment. Did Wally always wear those scholarly glasses? Why aren’t Wally’s male classmates smothering Buddy with love as well? Why is Rachel so insecure? Didn’t Batiuk use this exact same gag at least once before? So people still say “co-eds” in this day and age? I really don’t know, but I do know that these idiots are a breath of fresh air after two hundred consecutive weeks of Pete, Boy Lisa and f*cking comic books, that incredibly clunky line of expository dialog in panel one notwithstanding.

Summer’s Finally Over

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Summer is back in town, presumably “from college”, for the annual Falling Of The Leaves as is customary in Westview. Seeing good ol’ Summer there with her ever-so-twee hair and her trademark gritty hoodie brings back fond memories of how much I detested that character way back in the dark early days of Act III. She was around all the f*cking time with the basketball and the wry wisecracks and the Lisa gobbledygook, it was awful.

Summer was a major player there for a while but after she got the flu and won the Big Game he shipped her off to KSU and that was pretty much the last of her, she hasn’t had an arc to herself in years. Perhaps he just became enamored with his new up-and-coming crop of characters like Cliff and Chester and Phil Holt and post-Alzheimer’s Mort or maybe it was because he can’t write for a female character unless she’s feeding her husband straight lines, but whatever the reason Summer got kicked to the curb in what’s turned out to be one of (only) Act III’s more pleasant developments.

I’m deliberately ignoring the dialog, Les & Cayla’s already inexplicable and credulity-shattering courtship and marriage needs no further embellishment. God I hate that disembodied Les head so, so much. Seeing Les and Summer together like that really annoys me and brings back a lot of FW memories I’d rather keep buried. In fact this one could be my most hated strip of the year so far.