The Dicey Shipwreck Hits Bedrock Or Something

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Sigh. Even BatYak’s own personal comic book fantasies are full of indecision, waffling and confusing metaphors. Our dimwitted heroes are clearly unimpressed by Chester’s moronic idea, which makes one wonder why they didn’t just discuss this over the phone or via email or text or something instead of driving all the way to Ohio for no real reason. I’m slightly surprised that two guys who still play with Flash treadmills and “dollies” are so pragmatic about this, as it’s somewhat out of character. But something that’s very much IN character is the way BatHack’s personal fantasy world is every bit as boring and overly-chatty as FW is.

Who “says” when you build a ship you’re building a shipwreck? Remind me to avoid Batom Inc.’s ship-building division, please. I mean wow, talk about a negative approach. When Funky builds a pizza is it standard to expect a few hairs in it? When Les teaches a student are we to expect that student to be an illiterate dolt? When Masone makes a film should he expect it to bomb horribly? When a comic strip writer puts together a five week long arc about starting a new comic book company should it culminate with the lead characters shrugging indifferently? The constant smirking and wry wordplay belies the sick and disturbed darkness at the heart of this strip. These people, always with the dropping shoes.

Hello Mister Kettle Black, My Name Is Pot

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“Gratuitous deaths”…LOL! Act III was built on gratuitous deaths…well, in fairness it was only one. But still, it was REALLY gratuitous. Sigh, they don’t kill ’em off like that anymore, no siree they don’t.

Well, for starters this strip marks the exact moment Batom lost interest in the premise. Chester is already cynically compromising his principles regarding his lifelong passion, which means BatNom has run out of dialog already, which means we’re probably in for a week’s worth of premise rehashing followed by a panel of tentative pondering followed by a ten month hiatus before this story reappears out of nowhere like a persistent rash. The nonsense about the comic books of yore was the entire point of this five week trudge, now that he’s there he’s all out of ideas and I guarantee there aren’t any in the forecast either.

Speaking of comic books of yore, what era of comic book history is BatChest babbling about here? Is he talking about the comic books of the 1950s specifically here or is this era of comic book history just a hypothetical fantasy thing that never actually existed? Maybe if he wasn’t so f*cking lazy he could have fleshed out the 1950s style comic book title he already created instead of wasting a month and a half on a pointless boring rant about how comic books were so much better in the 1950s but those who can do and those who can’t complain, I suppose.

We Can Be Zeroes Just For One Day

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Yes, because these NEWFANGLED COMIC BOOKS TODAY always insist on blurring the lines between heroes and villains with their complicated dark, grim and gritty characters and (zzzzzzzzzzz). Five full weeks to introduce the premise and he’s already repeating it…some things never change. That look Pete & Boy Lisa are exchanging seems to represent “skepticism”, although it could just be shitty artwork. There’s just no way of knowing until next Tuesday when he (most likely) finally stops rehashing the premise.

I mean hey, if Chester wants to squander his fortune on comic book nostalgia that’s his business but honestly this entire “plan” seems quite squirrely to me. But hey, sure, go against the grain and sell comic books no one likes because if Starbuck Jones is any indication these “Atomic Comics” will be worth a mint thirty or fifty or seventy years from now, pretty much exactly when Skyler will be awash in his own comic book nostalgia, yearning for the days when he’d hide in the attic with his phablet reading digital copies of his favorite Atomic Comic titles, like “Meek Moon Mile” or “Space Penis” with a few fat-free granola cookies and a glass of almond milk on the side. If he’s really lucky he’ll find his old SJ decoder SD card too, but one thing at a time for now please.

A Coach Stropp Saved Is A Coach Stropp Urned

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And suddenly, many months after the fact, that moronic arc where Bull dug up a hunk of grass and plopped it on his special “football memories” shelf comes full circle. Apparently vandalizing WHS property is OK if it’s for nostalgic purposes, which doesn’t surprise me at all. I like how the grass on his shelf is still sort of green, seeing how it’s all uprooted and dead and all. Quite a hardy turfgrass blend on that field, although it would have been funnier if Bull had ruined a costly Astroturf field instead.

So is the little tuft supposed to be where Bull stupidly dropped Coach Stropp? And if so, is he suggesting that Coach Stropp’s remains acted as a fertilizer that cause the grass to rapidly grow on that spot? Because if so, ewwww. Not to mention totally inaccurate, as you’d really want to use a higher nitrogen fertilizer at this time of year, one with a nice pre-emergent to keep those unsightly crabgrass clumps at bay. If Coach Stropp was a lifelong Westviewian I would suspect his ashes would mostly contain some carbon, traces of comic book printing ink and lots and lots of mozzarella cheese, none of which is especially good for your lawn.

Anyhow, the moral here is apparently that Bull is an inconsiderate moron who makes everyone’s jobs just a little more difficult via his special brand of dementia and idiocy. What a zany character, eh?

How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Tom

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So, after five weeks of plodding ponderous dialog and endless time-wasting the premise is at long last revealed and…believe it or not…it involves comic (sigh) books…again. Chester wants to resurrect the “spirit” of those wonderful old Batom Comics of yesteryear. Bored listless employees, a fabled comic book artist working children’s birthday parties to make ends meet, an annoying cigar-chomping boss…yep, when Batom Comics folded it left a huge gaping void in the industry all right, a void only Pete and his faithful sidekick Boy Lisa can fill. If he’s looking for two boring nerds who daydream and skip work a lot, he totally nailed it.

“Batom”…”atom”…”ic”…sure Chester, makes sense to me. I suppose it’s better than “Bamto Comics” or “Tobam Occmis”…albeit not by a whole lot though. I can see the headlines now…

“Atomic Bomb – Hagglemore Bankrupted By Idiotic Dream, Drinking Heavily”

“Atomic Waste – Unsold Comic Books Worthless As Pulp & Do Not Degrade, Placing Strain On Local Landfills”

“Atomic Pile – Atomic Comics Creditors At Critical Mass As Hagglemore Sighted In Caymans”

“Atomic Fallout – Starbuck Sequels On Hiatus After Creative Team Leaves For Stupid New Gig, Hundreds Left Unemployed, Future Of Franchise In Doubt”

Yes siree, it’s a can’t-miss proposition. Everywhere you go these days all you hear are “these kids today” sighing to themselves over the comic book racks, sadly lamenting how today’s comic books are totally worthless when compared to the old-timey Golden Age comic books they can’t possibly remember. If you don’t believe me just visit your local megaplex and see the throngs of kids ignoring the latest superhero flicks, there’s all the proof you need. Kids today aren’t that much different than their parents were, they just want to sit in the attic with their vape pens and energy drinks and bags of flakka and read some good old fashioned comic books just like dear old dad used to do before the comic book industry sold them out and destroyed their dreams back in 1940 or 1960 or 1980 or thereabouts. By golly, Chester just wants to bring that “spirit” back and judging by the reaction from “young” Pete and Darin he’s really on to something here. “Cool”…”sweet”…he really captures the way the kids speak nowadays, doesn’t he?