Schlock And Roll

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Vomit, barf, retch, yuck. The single most nauseating FW strip of all time this arc. Not only do we STILL not know whether they’re accepting the Atomic Comics gig, but now, EIGHT WEEKS into this thing, we’re suddenly forced to endure this idiotic “romance” and Pete’s bizarre (and extremely disturbing) facial contortions too. I mean seriously, what the hell is he supposed to be doing there in panel three, impressing her with his terrific Bell’s Palsy impersonation?

It’s almost difficult to believe how he’s suddenly turned the entire strip over to these two horrid, boring and loathsome characters. Pete and Boy Lisa don’t merit eight weeks a decade, much less eight weeks in a row. It’s tough to remember an arc this long where so little has happened. I mean of course there are probably several thousand arcs that fit that description but I can’t remember any of them right now.

If I Should Die Before I Wake

Glad Easter tidings, everyone! For the most part, Sunday-only newspaper subscribers who read Funky Winkerbean have been missing out on the Atomic Comics saga. In the month just ended, instead of advancing the Pete and Darin arc, Sunday strips have alternated between out-of-season football gags and one-offs involving the aging titular character. Whom we visit again today in what will either turn out to be one of TB’s red herrings (it really is “just heartburn”) or the beginning of the Very Specialest Very Special Funky Winkerbean Arc Ever. Don’t forget, Batiuk’s killed off a title character once before, though John Darling wasn’t the cash cow that Funky has turned out to be over forty plus years.

Critical Mess

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Pete meeting up with a girl seems “serious” to Jessica? Again, it’s difficult to imagine how her standards could be much lower, unless she started dating Les or something. Boy Lisa didn’t even remotely indicate that anything “serious” was happening but doormats are gonna doormat, I suppose.

“Critical mass” normally means something entirely different in the Funkyverse. Don’t take my word for it, just go ask Lisa, as she’s due to pop up again at pretty much any time now. So this marks the end of week six (correction: seven) and we STILL have no idea whether they accepted the offer or not. Excluding Sundays there have been 78 FW strips so far this year and this arc has accounted for 42 of them. That’s right, he’s spent more than half of 2018 thus far on a job interview and we still don’t know how it turned out. Unbelievable. The last non Atomic Comics week was that Claude Barlow Dinkle nonsense back in early February, which seems like many lifetimes ago.

Sex, Lies And Pizza Mis-shaped

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Sorry about the title. It’s late. For a strip that features as much pizza-eating as FW does it never seems to really get it right. I realize that’s supposed to be Montoni’s famous indigestible cheese-like substance that’s all stretched out like that but really it just looks like alien goo. And he’d better pay attention there in panel three, as that blob of glop at the end of his slice is about go plop.

“Bleep”??? Man, what I wouldn’t give to have a ringtone that spells words right out in the air like that. This sitcom-like bro-banter is a crime against the language arts all on its own but on top of that is the fact that I have absolutely no idea what these cretins are jabbering about today. What did Boy Lisa assume he knew? Is he talking about this week’s insipid dialog or something else? Is Pete lying about this week’s insipid dialog or something else? Because if Pete is implying that everything he said about his communication issues regarding Mindy was a lie, it means Batiuk wasted an entire week of a six week long and counting mega arc on day after day of absolutely worthless dialog.

And a Pulitzer (nominated) word balloon filler would never do that. Seriously though, if there’s a worse storyteller anywhere on the planet please post a link as I refuse to believe it before I see it for myself. They could have heard Chhester’s offer, taken the job, said goodbye to Mason, Cindy, Cliff, Vera and Marianne, packed up Derwin’s special pens, lugged everything back to Ohio, settled in and ordered a pizza by now with plenty of time left over for wordplay. Yet here they are in week six, making a mess in Montoni’s and sharing cell phone images we can’t see with one another.

You’ve Got Fail

Link To Today’s Strip

Slower than THIS?? Please, God, no. If he takes it much slower he might accidentally rupture time itself and send the Funkyverse slowly wobbling into some infinitely boring singularity. Which would probably be a real improvement over watching these two imbeciles pawing at that representation of pizza, now that I ponder it. I can’t wait until Boy Lisa finally arrives back at the humble Fairgood abode, reeking of pepperoni and all hopped up on iced tea and comic book dreams. I’m “sure” Jessica “won’t mind” if Darin doesn’t bother saving her a slice or two as after all, brokering comic book deals all morning can give a young guy just starting out quite an appetite.

Oh that BatWrite, always so topical. Looks like word finally filtered on down to Batom Inc. HQ that the kids today don’t really use the electronic mail so much anymore, what with the texting and apps and such. Thus it’s officially quaint enough for a FW character to use, like that arc a few years back where Funky finally screwed together the courage to turn off the Dolby on his 3 CD changer shelf system. What a memorable fourteen weeks that was.

“The one” what? The “one” that’s the lone female to tolerate his presence without reaching for the taser? The one girl he’s gotten to FW second base (hand holding) with? He should be drugging her and heading for the first available justice of the peace, not dilly-dallying around with Boy Lisa. Remember, this idiot is in his forties here. The odds on him snaring another movie house heiress are slim to none and she knows he writes comic books and she hasn’t run away yet so yeah, it’s safe to say she’s “the one” all right. And if this witty banter is any indication, their nine and a half year email courtship ought to be steaming up the comics page for years to come.

Check out Harry, loafing around while he’s supposed to be upstairs selling comic books. I sure hope John can handle the midday rush all by himself. Or maybe he’s just biding his time, waiting for them to finish eating so he can sidle up to them…”pssst! You guys wanna buy some comic books, man?”. I guarantee it’ll work, too.