Just To Be The Man Who Walks A Thousand Miles To Maybe Get Around To Returning Your Call

Link To Another One

So, Pete’s struggling with his long distance relationship, mainly because he refuses to grow up and put a little effort into communicating with the great love of his life, Mindy. Just like his dear old pal Boy Lisa, Pete’s “girlfriend” is an afterthought, someone he’ll get around to eventually, probably. She’ll no doubt make a fine doormat when he finally allows her to marry him in some heinous comic book-centric ceremony, perhaps they’ll even have a seldom-seen comic book-themed named child or two.

Apparently the gag here is that Pete is a perpetual man-child, notorious slacker and lazy slob, which of course you already know, as Pete has been so thoroughly fleshed-out and developed over the years to a point where he’s a familiar old friend, like Klabinchnik or Mallory or Morty. A comics page icon, if you will. Armed with this wealth of Pete knowledge, you immediately laugh along with Boy Lisa at his good friend’s weary-eyed foibles. The work of a true master craftsman who’d never taint his work with some hoary old sitcom-style trope for a cheap chuckle.

BlehTom’s bro-banter is just as bad as his chick-banter is, especially when these two dolts are doing the bantering. Either move back to Ohio and marry Mindy in that goddamned gazebo or don’t, enough with the pathetic waffling and the godlessly plodding banter already. Pete’s discussing the woman he’s supposedly crazy about and he looks for all the world like he’s discussing his inflamed prostate and subsequent urinary issues there in panel two. This nonsense would be boring even if you did happen to be into hypothetical “old school” comic book companies and idiotic comic strip crossover long distance relationships, assuming such a person exists which they obviously do not.

I suppose I should mention Rachel but honestly, why? She works at Montoni’s, she lives above Montoni’s, life is already snarking on her as it is. Why pile on?

 

Fear And Loathing In Ohio

Link To This One

Because Ohioians FEAR Pete and Boy Lisa’s return because they LOATHE them so much. GET IT? Suddenly it appears that these two imbeciles will indeed be returning to the community of their portentous youth, Olde Westview Towne, home of half-price large pies (pick-up only) on Tuesdays and the world’s smallest and least-comfortable comic book store. Boy Lisa has already decided what to tell his wife to think so he’s on board and Pete is pining away for that annoying Crankshaft girl he hung out with that one time and everyone knows that the sin and decadence of Hollywood is no match for the simple-yet-wry homespun Westviewian values that go hand in hand with meeting women from other comic strips and starting a comic strip family, so all signs definitely point to him being on board as well. Sounds fantastic, can’t wait (sound of shotgun racking).

But no one cares about that idiocy. The artwork really takes center stage today. There’s Boy Lisa’s awesome leather jacket in panel one….”ayyyyy, it’s the Darr! Whoa, sit on it, Pete! Step into my office, Reynolds! Whoa!”. The most unintentionally hilarious moment of 2018 so far. Then there’s Boy Lisa in panel three…wow. That is simply epic. I have NEVER seen the term “lantern-jawed noodnik” embodied as well as it’s embodied there. And the way the back of his head has that perfect 90 degree angle, it’s literally a block. And that hair…I assume he gets it done at the place where the cast of 90210 used to go. A spectacular effort by the New Guy, just superlative work.

Hollywood Squares

Link To Today’s One

“So what do you think about having me repeat the premise one more goddamned f*cking time, Darin?”

“Well, I’d sure hate to force my always-complaint wife and young son to move again just so I can chase yet another ridiculous comic book-related pipe dream……”

“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

As their Hyndau Axolotl chugs down Hagglemore Lane in a cloud of leaded gasoline smoke, the “guys” ponder their next move. Do they blow off their commitments and a potentially lucrative payday to write silly dialog and doodle on behalf of Chester’s wildly half-assed idea or do they continue to humiliate and degrade themselves on Hollywood’s cruel, sadistic, indifferent and depraved altar instead? Decisions, decisions. They wanted to add a ninety year old actor they found living in squalor to a half-finished movie and bam, just like that he’s a global superstar getting married to ninety year old starlets. But pondering a job offer? That will require months if not years of endless introspection and rehashing as they very slowly ponder this crucial comic book-altering choice.

I almost can’t believe this is still going. This arc began back on February 12th, this is (gasp) week six right now. Not a whole lot of modern-day FW arcs go on for this long, especially consecutively like this. We’ve seen more Boy Lisa over the last six weeks than we’ve seen in years, it wasn’t all that long ago when the poor sap couldn’t even get a single weekly arc to himself. And everyone was OK with that, actually. But I have to say, this arc’s annoying staying power sort of surprises me, mindlessly skipping from story to story is kind of his trademark and it’s jarring when he doesn’t do it.

Sunday BatNom Fun Day

Link To Today’s Anticlimax

Many years ago, back during the legendary “Lisa Dies” ultra-mega arc, BatWad did a Sunday strip featuring Lisa receiving some sort of radiation therapy treatment. If you happened to miss that arc, it didn’t work. Anyway, I was patronizing a local NJ convenience store (Wawa) at some ungodly hour of the night/morning and the Sunday newspaper supplements and comics had just been delivered and were all stacked up outside. That FW Sunday strip was right on top, plastered all over every one of those bundles and I remember thinking “the average person is going to assume that FW is the work of some sort of total madman and they’ll be correct”.

That random FW Sunday strip memory segues nicely into this one, particularly the randomness. The Sunday strips are nothing but totally random, there’s never any rhyme or reason to explain why they exist or why they’re running when they are and nothing ever happens during any of them either. He’ll do a two week arc where both Sunday strips involve that arc, then he’ll do a two month arc where none of them have anything to do with anything at all.

So that’s what we’re pretending “Cory” looks like now, eh? Nice to see BatNom easing him back into the fray and not saddling him with any kind of character development or updates or anything. That way when we see him again in 2021 he’ll still seem fresh. And I am assuming the pizza delivery guy is supposed to be Wally, although who the hell really knows anymore? Nice to see those college courses really paying dividends career-wise for Buddy’s favorite human, as just a few years ago he was still toiling away in the (shudder) kitchen.  If it isn’t Wally, kindly disregard.

It’s always funny when a FW character suddenly reappears after a long absence. Darin and Jessica showing up at Les’ house out of nowhere, Khan (or Kahn) showing up at Les and Cayla’s wedding, that time Jinx offered support for Jessica’s ill-fated documentary film making dreams, Bull’s placekicking daughter and so forth. Every so often he just feels compelled to let his readers know that these characters still exist in some sort of off-screen Funkyverse which is no doubt way, way more entertaining than this one is.

 

Dork & Mindy

Link To Today’s Anticlimax

More like Chester Humblebrag, amirite? I like how Pete announces that Mindy is calling, like he had to prove there was really only one virgin in the room or something. As I hypothesized earlier this week, could this be Batnard’s way of moving these two imbeciles back to ol’ Westview Towne or is it just the usual collection of totally unrelated events that won’t ever lead anywhere? Only time…lots and lots and lots of time…will tell.

So apparently Chester collects pretty much everything. “Would you like to see my Beatles “butcher” cover/first edition Legos/collection of rare Yoo-Hoo bottle caps/baseball cards of every single Tampa Bay Ray ever/collection of pre-industrial age gynecological instruments?”. At least the reasons behind Chester’s bachelorhood were made abundantly clear this week, he’s the spoiled kid everyone hated who’d “be your friend” if you’d hang around and let him show you all his cool stuff. His bizarre lifestyle, that feeble “presentation”, the collectibles, the facial hair…it all paints a picture all right, a very very sad picture.

So naturally these two idiots will pounce all over his stupid offer…eventually…only to rue the day when they accepted his daffy proposal. I hope Boy Lisa and Jessica end up with a spare room and a cot, as the apartment over Montoni’s is currently occupied by yet another forty-something year old kid “just starting out” so Pete’s shit out of luck there. I’m looking forward to Jessica’s unbelievably unrealistic reaction upon learning that her husband has once again made an important life decision without talking to her first, which seems to be a real trend with this Boy Lisa guy.