Tag: Boy Lisa

A Real Cliff Anger

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Look at the insane lengths Batom went to in order to work an old “Starbuck Jones” film into the strip. Of all the possible ways he could have done that, he chose to have Mason charter a private jet and fly out to Ohio (for reasons still not made clear) with Cindy, Pete and Darin to visit Jessica, who lives with them in Hollywood but was in Ohio at the time, all so they could go to an old SJ movie playing in Centerville. I mean it’s so bizarre and so preposterous no other person could have possibly dreamed it up. It defies logic on so many levels all at once, like he deliberately set out to create the most wildly implausible premise and sequence of events he possibly could. And not only that, he does it EVERY SINGLE TIME with EVERY SINGLE ARC. It’s totally mind-boggling.

Cliff Anger, sigh. I’m almost embarrassed not to have seen it coming. The man has a gift, you gotta give him that. It’s so sad how that gift doesn’t help at all with the comic strip though, isn’t it? So let me see if I have this right: there’s a theater in Centerville called “The Valentine” that only shows “last chance” films that no one will ever want to see again? Is there a big pit out back where they burn the films after their final showings, just to be sure? Interesting concept but I can’t see how it’s economically viable, long-term.

“It’s Saturday night! How shall we allocate our limited entertainment budget?”

“I know! Let’s go to the “The Valentine”, see a terrible old movie and wallow in old comic book nostalgia centered around pop-culture fads from two decades before we were born!”

I don’t see it. One thing I do know is that I’ve rarely wanted to punch a “one-off” FW character more than I want to punch Snooty Centerville Hipster Ticket-Taker Guy. Add “how does this place stay in business?” to the pile of FW mysteries and anomalies.

And IMO this AuthorGuy needs to make up his mind already: is SJ a red-hot and much-beloved property that’s sweeping the globe or is it a forgotten cult classic unknown to all but a few nerdy Ohioians? Because it can’t be both. Pick one already and run with it, all this dilly-dallying is getting really annoying.

Serial Momentum Killer

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At first I was excited, as it appeared that Pete was trying to vomit and Boy Lisa was attempting to kill him via asphyxiation. But alas, Pete was merely complaining again, as usual, this time about being cruelly forced to go see a movie. Will his woes never end? I also like how Boy Lisa has to ask permission to bring his wife along. Once a patsy, always a patsy I guess.

So they all flew out to Ohio from Hollywood to see an old Starbuck Jones movie at some nostalgic old theater in Centerville? Why didn’t they just ride a magical space pony to Starbuck Jones Land and live among the Klaxxons? It’d be exactly as plausible and just as many people would care. It probably wouldn’t require quite as much stilted awkward dialog either, or maybe just as much, I don’t know. But it couldn’t possibly be any dumber, as we’re at absolute stupid right now.

Not only isn’t the Starbuck Jones movie being made, now he’s introducing OTHER SJ movies into the canon. It doesn’t just defy belief anymore, it dropkicks belief from the edge of a very high cliff and laughs maniacally as it’s pulverized on the jagged rocks below. I can’t wait until we learn all about the campy 1960s TV version of SJ and the time SJ took on Andre The Giant on pay-per-view.

 

Missed It By That Much

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I guess Mason chartered one of those super-low altitude private planes all the hot celebrities are into these days. I mean seriously, the thing is maybe forty feet over Les Moore’s house and judging by the change in the house’s perspective, doing a cool 50 miles an hour or so. Talk about a gratuitously unnecessary detail. Seeing a plane cruising over Moore Manor with no flames or bomb craters in sight is such a tease, man. And wasn’t that stupid tree cut down months ago?

So they’re going to film the SJ “earth scenes” in Cleveland of all places, instead of somewhere better or more practical. Sure they are Tom, sure they are. Mopey Pete is in rare form again today, as now he’s pissing and moaning about having to leave Hollywood, as he sits in a private jet no less. Unbe-f*cking-lievable. And what the hell is Boy Lisa going to say when he pops in on his wife…”hey hon, how was that long economy-class flight with our toddler aged son? Oh, me? Private plane”. A quarter-inch from reality my ass, any real wife would have bailed on the hapless Boy Lisa long ago. And who the hell is Andy and how much of the blame does he deserve?

 

Tonight There’s Gonna Be A Failbreak

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Yay! Another excuse to ditch the worst, most difficult and most demanding job of them all…writing for comic book characters! Somehow the star of the white-hot (and perpetually unfinished) “Starbuck Jones” feature film “heard” that Jessica and Skyler (who just moved to California a few short months ago) were inexplicably heading to Ohio to visit Skyler’s grandparents. And, incredibly enough, Mason just happens to have a private chartered flight to Ohio this very week! Unbelievable. And quite stupid, too.

So what the hell is this all about? Air travel gags? Fred Fairgood’s always-hysterical mutterings? John Darling? If Mason “heard” that Jessica was visiting Ohio, why didn’t he offer to fly her out there as well? How does he know Jessica and Skyler at all? How can Boy Lisa, who just a few months ago was using garbage as furniture, afford all this air travel back and forth to Westview?

Damned if I know. But apparently it made sense to Batiuk at the time, which of course means nothing, but still. At this rate Mason will be as old and washed up as Cindy is by the time this SJ movie hits the big screen.

See You On The Dull Side Of The Moon

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Jupiter Moon, Jupiter Moon, Jupiter Moon…OK Tom, understood. There’s a new female character in the ever-evolving Starbuck Jones mythos and her name is Jupiter Moon. See, I (sometimes) know how the guy who writes this strip operates and in his imaginary comic book-addled mind the idea that SJ includes a character named (sigh) Jupiter Moon is so fascinating and hilarious in and of itself that it needs no further embellishment. That name IS the premise here. Nothing will happen, the characters will merely repeat (sigh) JM over and over again. And that will be it, guaranteed. To be polite about it, the guy who writes this thing vastly overestimates the entertainment value of his weird little comic book fantasies as well as his own cleverness, by a degree of around infinity squared.