Sorry, snarkers: the catfight between Cindy and Marianne will not be televised, or uh, comic-strip-tized, uh…we don’t get to see it. It doesn’t happen, apparently, because Mason’s explained to Cindy that it’s not as it seems, and very quickly and convincingly, too. This plotline has become a complete shit show, even by Batiuk’s nonexistent standards. He spends months setting up this conflict between Cindy and Marianne, brings it to a climax in the most contrived way, and then Mason explains it all away and Cindy buys it…offscreen. The paternalistic Director Guy chimes in: “Hey! Hold it down, kids. Don’t get excited! (Who’s excited?) We’ve already put out a corrected story.” Who’s “we“? Don’t “corrected stories” come from the source of the incorrect story? Is he talking about their publicist? “We” have no idea. Nor have we any idea why that massive-headed freak in panel 3—we’ll have to assume it’s Marianne in a “wife beater” undershirt—is just now seeing and is completely aghast at the “DMZ” story.
Tag: Mason Jarre
Summers vs. Winters
Batiuk’s so fond of describing his strip as a “quarter-inch removed from real life” but it’s more like 180 degrees, a Bizarro world. Mason winds up in the tabloids and immediately frets over Marianne…Cindy gets wind of the purported affair and shows up at the studio looking for her supposed rival when you’d think her first order of business would be kicking Mason right in the nuts. Anyway, why is Cindy even still allowed on the set after she ruined a take? I guess for the same reason Frankie and Lenny are allowed to continue running their bogus food truck.
Frankly, My Deer
So the betrothed-to-be-wed Mason is accused by gossip mongers of cheating on Cindy, and his first concern is how this will affect Marianne? “Dealing with haters“? Are people hating on Marion Cotillard for her rumored canoodling with her Allied costar Brad Pitt? Nobody gives a shit! What really gets the ‘mansquitoes buzzing is when you’re “the star” of a really crappy movie, and this is what’s at the root of Mason’s sudden gloomy demeanor: he’s been there. Although he was pretty proud of having Dino Deer on his resume, until Cliff Anger and Mopey Pete dissed him…
O Hai Tom Batiuk
Christmas comes early for us human mosquitoes in the form of a “tip of the Funky felt tip” from Thee Author Himself! Well, it’s more like he’s giving us the finger. Hunky blond lunk Mason suddenly gets high and mighty in true McCarthy-era Cliff Anger style when faced with rumors on “the message boards”involving him and Marianne. By the way, Mason uses the word “advisedly” advisedly. The real kicker though is his use of the phrase “chew toy”, which is the moniker applied by human mosquitoes to St. Lisa during her Pulitzer campaign.
A Door, a Jarre
Ah, the Director Guy. We hardly know anything about him; not his name (the back of his director’s chair just says “Director“), nor when his hair color tuned from blue-black to brown. But today we learn that Director Guy’s got some temper! It must stem from frustration over how little control he has over this project. His leading man takes it upon himself to cast extras and fly his friends around. The leading man’s fiance hangs around the set an interferes with a scene. Another take is nearly ruined when errant school bus rolls into a crucial location shot. A mole from a gossip website sets up shop on the set and is permitted to remain there after he blows his own cover. It’s enough to make your face break out in weird halftone blotches!
Son of Stuck Funky 
