Tag: Montoni’s

Mr. Lucky

Link to today’s strip.

Greetings, folks, BChasm back in the control room.  Many thanks to Comic Book Harriet for excellent guest hosting the last two weeks.  Well done.

As for today’s strip, yeah, I do feel lucky.  The last few hosts have had to feast on stupid comic book schemes, Les’ eternal book tour or Pete’s love life; today I get one of the few characters in this strip that I don’t want to strangle, Funky himself.  (Though with Funky’s life outlook, he’d probably beg me to.)

Don’t misunderstand me, he’s not a good character, but compared to the rest of the cast he’s a positive breath of fresh Spring air.  His main drawback is his insistence on viewing everything in the most negative light possible, which gets very tiresome, but at least he’s not coasting on a giant cloud of (unearned) smugness, convinced of the magnificence of his (nonexistent) talent.

Anyway, what do we have today?  Holly wants to micromanage the Cory/Rocky wedding, and Cory refuses to comply.  Myself, I thought they were already married but, considering that unless the subject is comic books or Les Moore, Tom Batiuk cannot be bothered, I’ll assume they aren’t.

I don’t seem to have much to say here.  I guess I’m just too relieved that we’re spared more comic books and/or Les.

I Don’t Like To Throw The Word “Hate” Around Casually But F*ck These People And The Horses They Rode In On

Link To The Nadir Of This Arc…So Far

I don’t even understand what this is supposed to be. OBVIOUSLY it’s a problem for him, I mean the f*cking guy is throwing away a lucrative Hollywood screenwriting career to “be closer” to the first and only woman who’s able to tolerate his presence for more than three seconds. It’s as desperate as it’s possible to be. Yet in spite of that SHE has been waiting around for seven-plus months to see the cretin again, a fact adequately explained by that terrifying expression on her face in panel two. Stop pretending you have options there, Mindy. It isn’t like Westview is teeming with eligible bachelors, if she passes on Pete she’ll be left to choose between Cody and Bernie and quite frankly IMO they’re both out of her league.

And to add insult to injury he has to end THIS annoying sub-arc on a “cliffhanger” too, because actually wrapping up even the dumbest sub-arc in a mere six days is apparently just too much work, I guess. If he manages to drag this out for yet another week it’ll mark two full months of this, which is probably some sort of FW milestone, or it would be if anyone cared enough to keep track of that sort of thing. Soon it’ll be like DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak, except far less impressive.

After four long weeks of the Atomic Comics mega-arc I’ve had enough. Stayed tuned for billytheskink who takes the wheel on Monday as well as a Very Special Guest Post tomorrow! Until next time….stay Funky!

Seven And A Half And Seven And A Half Is…

Link To Today’s Atrocity

So, it takes the “average woman” seven-and-a-half months to lose sexual interest in Pete? Hmmm, see, I would have guessed seven-and-a-half seconds but perhaps these Westview/Centerville women are a little slow on the uptake. Apparently she’s all a-flutter over how Pete is willing to throw away a wildly lucrative career just to be “near her”, which tells you plenty about how long it’s been since BatWrite has interacted with any women.

And what is Pete even talking about here? They haven’t been “dating” for seven-and-a-half months, in fact THIS is technically their “first date”. Thus according to my calculations Pete should be comfortably sexless by mid-November or so, which will be right around when this arc hits the halfway mark…IF we’re lucky. And I’ve been doing this long enough to know we won’t be.

Moronic, Actually

Link To Today’s Strip

Ewwww…what the F*CK is he DOING to that pizza in panel three? Watching that bulbous-snouted imbecile sucking his pizza cheese like it’s a strand of spaghetti is probably the single most repugnant thing I’ve ever seen…not just in FW but ever. I’ve witnessed fatal car wrecks that were less repellent than this. Ditto Mindy’s giraffe neck in panel two, if these two morons ever breed every circus freak show in mid-central Ohio will be banging down their door.

“Yeah baby, I’m considering ditching my wildly successful screenwriting career to write comic books again.”

(Swoon)”Oh…PETE…take me, you courageous manly beast!”

Batiuk is giving us WAY too much psychological insight here…WAY WAY too much. This is obviously the fevered nostalgia-addled fantasy of a very sick man. I’d say that perhaps an intervention is called for here, but first you’d have to find half a dozen people who give a shit and as we all know that’s just not happening.

Sex, Lies And Pizza Mis-shaped

Link To Today’s Strip

Sorry about the title. It’s late. For a strip that features as much pizza-eating as FW does it never seems to really get it right. I realize that’s supposed to be Montoni’s famous indigestible cheese-like substance that’s all stretched out like that but really it just looks like alien goo. And he’d better pay attention there in panel three, as that blob of glop at the end of his slice is about go plop.

“Bleep”??? Man, what I wouldn’t give to have a ringtone that spells words right out in the air like that. This sitcom-like bro-banter is a crime against the language arts all on its own but on top of that is the fact that I have absolutely no idea what these cretins are jabbering about today. What did Boy Lisa assume he knew? Is he talking about this week’s insipid dialog or something else? Is Pete lying about this week’s insipid dialog or something else? Because if Pete is implying that everything he said about his communication issues regarding Mindy was a lie, it means Batiuk wasted an entire week of a six week long and counting mega arc on day after day of absolutely worthless dialog.

And a Pulitzer (nominated) word balloon filler would never do that. Seriously though, if there’s a worse storyteller anywhere on the planet please post a link as I refuse to believe it before I see it for myself. They could have heard Chhester’s offer, taken the job, said goodbye to Mason, Cindy, Cliff, Vera and Marianne, packed up Derwin’s special pens, lugged everything back to Ohio, settled in and ordered a pizza by now with plenty of time left over for wordplay. Yet here they are in week six, making a mess in Montoni’s and sharing cell phone images we can’t see with one another.