Tag: Pete

Sex, Lies And Pizza Mis-shaped

Link To Today’s Strip

Sorry about the title. It’s late. For a strip that features as much pizza-eating as FW does it never seems to really get it right. I realize that’s supposed to be Montoni’s famous indigestible cheese-like substance that’s all stretched out like that but really it just looks like alien goo. And he’d better pay attention there in panel three, as that blob of glop at the end of his slice is about go plop.

“Bleep”??? Man, what I wouldn’t give to have a ringtone that spells words right out in the air like that. This sitcom-like bro-banter is a crime against the language arts all on its own but on top of that is the fact that I have absolutely no idea what these cretins are jabbering about today. What did Boy Lisa assume he knew? Is he talking about this week’s insipid dialog or something else? Is Pete lying about this week’s insipid dialog or something else? Because if Pete is implying that everything he said about his communication issues regarding Mindy was a lie, it means Batiuk wasted an entire week of a six week long and counting mega arc on day after day of absolutely worthless dialog.

And a Pulitzer (nominated) word balloon filler would never do that. Seriously though, if there’s a worse storyteller anywhere on the planet please post a link as I refuse to believe it before I see it for myself. They could have heard Chhester’s offer, taken the job, said goodbye to Mason, Cindy, Cliff, Vera and Marianne, packed up Derwin’s special pens, lugged everything back to Ohio, settled in and ordered a pizza by now with plenty of time left over for wordplay. Yet here they are in week six, making a mess in Montoni’s and sharing cell phone images we can’t see with one another.

You’ve Got Fail

Link To Today’s Strip

Slower than THIS?? Please, God, no. If he takes it much slower he might accidentally rupture time itself and send the Funkyverse slowly wobbling into some infinitely boring singularity. Which would probably be a real improvement over watching these two imbeciles pawing at that representation of pizza, now that I ponder it. I can’t wait until Boy Lisa finally arrives back at the humble Fairgood abode, reeking of pepperoni and all hopped up on iced tea and comic book dreams. I’m “sure” Jessica “won’t mind” if Darin doesn’t bother saving her a slice or two as after all, brokering comic book deals all morning can give a young guy just starting out quite an appetite.

Oh that BatWrite, always so topical. Looks like word finally filtered on down to Batom Inc. HQ that the kids today don’t really use the electronic mail so much anymore, what with the texting and apps and such. Thus it’s officially quaint enough for a FW character to use, like that arc a few years back where Funky finally screwed together the courage to turn off the Dolby on his 3 CD changer shelf system. What a memorable fourteen weeks that was.

“The one” what? The “one” that’s the lone female to tolerate his presence without reaching for the taser? The one girl he’s gotten to FW second base (hand holding) with? He should be drugging her and heading for the first available justice of the peace, not dilly-dallying around with Boy Lisa. Remember, this idiot is in his forties here. The odds on him snaring another movie house heiress are slim to none and she knows he writes comic books and she hasn’t run away yet so yeah, it’s safe to say she’s “the one” all right. And if this witty banter is any indication, their nine and a half year email courtship ought to be steaming up the comics page for years to come.

Check out Harry, loafing around while he’s supposed to be upstairs selling comic books. I sure hope John can handle the midday rush all by himself. Or maybe he’s just biding his time, waiting for them to finish eating so he can sidle up to them…”pssst! You guys wanna buy some comic books, man?”. I guarantee it’ll work, too.

Just To Be The Man Who Walks A Thousand Miles To Maybe Get Around To Returning Your Call

Link To Another One

So, Pete’s struggling with his long distance relationship, mainly because he refuses to grow up and put a little effort into communicating with the great love of his life, Mindy. Just like his dear old pal Boy Lisa, Pete’s “girlfriend” is an afterthought, someone he’ll get around to eventually, probably. She’ll no doubt make a fine doormat when he finally allows her to marry him in some heinous comic book-centric ceremony, perhaps they’ll even have a seldom-seen comic book-themed named child or two.

Apparently the gag here is that Pete is a perpetual man-child, notorious slacker and lazy slob, which of course you already know, as Pete has been so thoroughly fleshed-out and developed over the years to a point where he’s a familiar old friend, like Klabinchnik or Mallory or Morty. A comics page icon, if you will. Armed with this wealth of Pete knowledge, you immediately laugh along with Boy Lisa at his good friend’s weary-eyed foibles. The work of a true master craftsman who’d never taint his work with some hoary old sitcom-style trope for a cheap chuckle.

BlehTom’s bro-banter is just as bad as his chick-banter is, especially when these two dolts are doing the bantering. Either move back to Ohio and marry Mindy in that goddamned gazebo or don’t, enough with the pathetic waffling and the godlessly plodding banter already. Pete’s discussing the woman he’s supposedly crazy about and he looks for all the world like he’s discussing his inflamed prostate and subsequent urinary issues there in panel two. This nonsense would be boring even if you did happen to be into hypothetical “old school” comic book companies and idiotic comic strip crossover long distance relationships, assuming such a person exists which they obviously do not.

I suppose I should mention Rachel but honestly, why? She works at Montoni’s, she lives above Montoni’s, life is already snarking on her as it is. Why pile on?

 

Fear And Loathing In Ohio

Link To This One

Because Ohioians FEAR Pete and Boy Lisa’s return because they LOATHE them so much. GET IT? Suddenly it appears that these two imbeciles will indeed be returning to the community of their portentous youth, Olde Westview Towne, home of half-price large pies (pick-up only) on Tuesdays and the world’s smallest and least-comfortable comic book store. Boy Lisa has already decided what to tell his wife to think so he’s on board and Pete is pining away for that annoying Crankshaft girl he hung out with that one time and everyone knows that the sin and decadence of Hollywood is no match for the simple-yet-wry homespun Westviewian values that go hand in hand with meeting women from other comic strips and starting a comic strip family, so all signs definitely point to him being on board as well. Sounds fantastic, can’t wait (sound of shotgun racking).

But no one cares about that idiocy. The artwork really takes center stage today. There’s Boy Lisa’s awesome leather jacket in panel one….”ayyyyy, it’s the Darr! Whoa, sit on it, Pete! Step into my office, Reynolds! Whoa!”. The most unintentionally hilarious moment of 2018 so far. Then there’s Boy Lisa in panel three…wow. That is simply epic. I have NEVER seen the term “lantern-jawed noodnik” embodied as well as it’s embodied there. And the way the back of his head has that perfect 90 degree angle, it’s literally a block. And that hair…I assume he gets it done at the place where the cast of 90210 used to go. A spectacular effort by the New Guy, just superlative work.

Hollywood Squares

Link To Today’s One

“So what do you think about having me repeat the premise one more goddamned f*cking time, Darin?”

“Well, I’d sure hate to force my always-complaint wife and young son to move again just so I can chase yet another ridiculous comic book-related pipe dream……”

“HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!”

As their Hyndau Axolotl chugs down Hagglemore Lane in a cloud of leaded gasoline smoke, the “guys” ponder their next move. Do they blow off their commitments and a potentially lucrative payday to write silly dialog and doodle on behalf of Chester’s wildly half-assed idea or do they continue to humiliate and degrade themselves on Hollywood’s cruel, sadistic, indifferent and depraved altar instead? Decisions, decisions. They wanted to add a ninety year old actor they found living in squalor to a half-finished movie and bam, just like that he’s a global superstar getting married to ninety year old starlets. But pondering a job offer? That will require months if not years of endless introspection and rehashing as they very slowly ponder this crucial comic book-altering choice.

I almost can’t believe this is still going. This arc began back on February 12th, this is (gasp) week six right now. Not a whole lot of modern-day FW arcs go on for this long, especially consecutively like this. We’ve seen more Boy Lisa over the last six weeks than we’ve seen in years, it wasn’t all that long ago when the poor sap couldn’t even get a single weekly arc to himself. And everyone was OK with that, actually. But I have to say, this arc’s annoying staying power sort of surprises me, mindlessly skipping from story to story is kind of his trademark and it’s jarring when he doesn’t do it.