Starbuck Jones – Page 22 – Son of Stuck Funky

DuMbZ Part 2

Okay, not sure what I can say about this one. We saw Vera and Cliff the other day enjoying ice cream together…and that warrants network coverage? For two people that were completely forgotten by the viewing public until the last six months? (In other words, people that no one cares about.)

What, weren’t there any cats stuck in trees in the past week?

There’s really only reason for coverage like this, and that would be if the upcoming Starbuck Jones movie was the most anticipated film of the century, with people slavering to learn each and every tit-bit.

And I just can’t buy that. Why? Because Tom Batiuk hasn’t sold it, that’s why. There’s a reason some people are storytellers and some people aren’t. Some people can tell stories about damaged or despicable people and make you care what happens. Alfred Hitchcock did this many times–in “Strangers on a Train” there’s a scene near the end where the villain is being prevented from acting, and the way the film is shot and edited, you’re actually hoping the villain succeeds. Similarly in “Psycho,” when the car stops sinking, the audience has been subtly led to think, “Oh, no, that car has to sink!”

Alfred Hitchcock was a masterful storyteller. Tom Batiuk…not so much.

DuMbZ

Link to today’s strip.

Before reading anything I have to say (as if), I urge you to check out BillyTheSkink’s posting of Coach Jack Stropp’s epic takedown. While in a way I think Bull had it worse (Stropp’s arc ends with him smiling in reminiscence, Bull’s ends with him shuffling into darkness) it’s interesting to see that, if you’ve sinned in Tom Batiuk’s eyes, he’s a very wrathful god indeed.

Today’s strip puzzled me for a moment; I thought Starbuck Jones was supposed to enrapture all who beheld its glories, but here’s this news-anchor mentioning it with a thinly-veiled dismissive comment. Then I remembered–the “Zeton Warriors” don’t actually come from the comic book, they’re add-ons dreamt up by the current director. While he (and the studio) no doubt consider them canon, the true fans see them like the Gnostic Gospels–something that’s trying to impose itself on the sacred texts.

If nothing else, today’s offering does show that when he’s not drawing the regular cast, Tom Batiuk is capable of rendering attractive people. We’ll probably never see (*guffaw* *chortle* *knee-slap*) “Beverly Hill” (ha ha ha ha ha ha ha) again, for which she should be grateful. This strip is proof positive that the old adage, Familiarity breeds contempt, is not just a good idea, it’s a lifestyle.

Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Link to today’s strip.

Yeah, I know, Frankie’s been there for several weeks, but how could I resist that title?

There’s a marked difference in tone when Tom Batiuk loves a character (Les), hates a character (Bull et al) and when he doesn’t give a damn about a character (a lot of them).

Mason seems to fall into this third category; once Batiuk got the pun through, he really seemed to lose interest in Mason. Oh sure, he’s a nice guy, well off, generous to a fault (or a Darrin), a bit dim, very good at calming Cindy’s many fears…other than that, he’s a paper towel. He’s there to get the job done and that’s it.

Cindy seems to be somewhere in the half-world between hatred and indifference. On the one hand, she’s a mass of neuroses which need constant tending; she’s rude to every female she meets; and she gave up on Funky. On the other, she’s been given a guy who goes out of his way to help her feel good about herself. The only other person who has had such a devoted mate was…Les Moore. It may be that now she’s “old” and feels terrible about her condition, she’ll be allowed some relief.

Though I would have said that about Bull up until last week. He was actively trying to cut down on bullying in the school, wanting to atone for what he’d done as a student. And then he got handed his ass. That still seems like the cruelest blow ever struck by this strip (though BillyTheSkink’s rundown of Coach Stropp’s last days seems definitely worse).

I guess in Tom Batiuk’s mind, Bull was turning out to be an “okay” person, a candidate for possible redemption, until Tom Batiuk happened to thumb through one of the high school yearbooks that he keeps close at hand, and noted that the guy who bullied him in school was named “Jerome,” and then something snapped.

And now, taking up the entire stage right, we have Frankie. This is not my favorite drawing of Frankie. This–

–is my favorite drawing of Frankie. Look at that openly happy and joyous expression! There’s a man about to explode with happiness–or a man surgically altered for transfer to the “Popeye” comic strip. He’s also hiding a turkey baster in his shirt, which shows preparedness! Unless that’s Kuato waking up.

Despite his status as a villain, Frankie is another character that Tom Batiuk seems to have no idea what to do with. (Sorry about the grammar, there.) It’s clear that Batiuk wants a villain (not recognizing that Les Moore fits that role to a T), but it’s also clear that he doesn’t want a real villain–someone that could only be defeated through cleverness and *cough* work. Hence, Frankie is always portrayed as somewhat hapless and unprepared, and his schemes (such as they are) are so blatantly stupid that even a half-wit like Darrin doesn’t fall for them. With a spot of cleverness, Frankie’s schemes could probably work; all he needs to do is disguise his intent somewhat and the Westview morons would fall into line. Unfortunately, that “spot of cleverness” will always be lacking. Because there can only be one “smart” person in the comic strip. And anything that takes away from Les Moore’s lustre is not to be permitted.

So…any guesses as to the form his latest scheme will take? A headline like “Elder Stars of ‘Starbuck Jones’ in Torrid Affair!” seems likely. Of course, “Elder Stars of ‘Starbuck Jones’ Enjoy Ice Cream!” is also a good guess. Remember, this is Frankie we’re dealing with.

Mister-E Man

Link to today’s strip.

So, based on his parking spot, it looks like Mason went ahead and legally changed his name. I guess that nagged at Tom Batiuk from the beginning (as most trivia seems to nag at him) as he realized that “Jarre” looks a lot more natural than “Jarr,” as well as a lot less stupid. The name “Mason Jarre” is plenty stupid on its own, no need to help it along with dumb spelling.

That’s literally all I’ve got for this strip today. The “Screw Bull Over But Good” arc has really drained my ability to make anything out of this crap. If it’s all going to be rewards for Les, vindictiveness for the regulars, and bland filler for the rest, it’s really hard to look for anything when the hated-loved ones aren’t in the strip. We all know an arc with Jarre is going to be filler. We also know there aren’t going to be any “sparks” on set–even the mishap mentioned by Mason is something we weren’t allowed to see (in typical fashion). It’s a lot easier to draw people standing around and talking than it is to show something interesting happening. Not, of course, that there’s ever anything interesting happening in this strip.

By the way, I think I’ve figured out why the shooting schedule is so haphazard for the “Starbuck Jones” thing. They’re not shooting a movie. They’re shooting a television series, despite what Tom Batiuk tells you. (You know you can’t trust him to be honest with you.)

Probably a “SyFy Original Series” given the quality level. Though I think the SyFy channel would balk at “Starbuck Jones.” If you’re at all familiar with what the SyFy channel coughs up, that’s not a good portent for Tom Batiuk’s beloved comic book.

Off Track

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh. today’s strip returns to the Frankie plot-line which is horrible for two reasons:

1. Whatever these two dopes are plotting, please get on with it! Talking in veiled, coded language just confuses everyone. Even if you came right out and said what your Big Plan was we’d probably still be confused because it’s going to be something really, really dumb.

2. Most of last week’s black and white rambling from Jupiter Jones ended up going absolutely nowhere. One could credit this as a slow-burn sort of plot building but there’s so many loose ends that never get returned to I’m guessing there’s a good chance the jealousy Cindy has may not even be visited again.