Starbuck Jones – Page 37 – Son of Stuck Funky

Missed It By That Much

I guess Mason chartered one of those super-low altitude private planes all the hot celebrities are into these days. I mean seriously, the thing is maybe forty feet over Les Moore’s house and judging by the change in the house’s perspective, doing a cool 50 miles an hour or so. Talk about a gratuitously unnecessary detail. Seeing a plane cruising over Moore Manor with no flames or bomb craters in sight is such a tease, man. And wasn’t that stupid tree cut down months ago?

So they’re going to film the SJ “earth scenes” in Cleveland of all places, instead of somewhere better or more practical. Sure they are Tom, sure they are. Mopey Pete is in rare form again today, as now he’s pissing and moaning about having to leave Hollywood, as he sits in a private jet no less. Unbe-f*cking-lievable. And what the hell is Boy Lisa going to say when he pops in on his wife…”hey hon, how was that long economy-class flight with our toddler aged son? Oh, me? Private plane”. A quarter-inch from reality my ass, any real wife would have bailed on the hapless Boy Lisa long ago. And who the hell is Andy and how much of the blame does he deserve?

Tonight There’s Gonna Be A Failbreak

Link to today’s strip

Yay! Another excuse to ditch the worst, most difficult and most demanding job of them all…writing for comic book characters! Somehow the star of the white-hot (and perpetually unfinished) “Starbuck Jones” feature film “heard” that Jessica and Skyler (who just moved to California a few short months ago) were inexplicably heading to Ohio to visit Skyler’s grandparents. And, incredibly enough, Mason just happens to have a private chartered flight to Ohio this very week! Unbelievable. And quite stupid, too.

So what the hell is this all about? Air travel gags? Fred Fairgood’s always-hysterical mutterings? John Darling? If Mason “heard” that Jessica was visiting Ohio, why didn’t he offer to fly her out there as well? How does he know Jessica and Skyler at all? How can Boy Lisa, who just a few months ago was using garbage as furniture, afford all this air travel back and forth to Westview?

Damned if I know. But apparently it made sense to Batiuk at the time, which of course means nothing, but still. At this rate Mason will be as old and washed up as Cindy is by the time this SJ movie hits the big screen.

Night of the Meek

Link to today’s cover.

So, as predicted, it’s a comic book cover using someone else’s artwork, and the Batiuk characters are pasted awkwardly in the corners to ruin the effort. The characters have nothing interesting or funny to say, but they have to be there because we can’t have nice things. At least you folks get to read it right-side up!

People here have long speculated–if Funky Winkerbean is such an onerous chore to create, and Starbuck Jones is obviously where his true passion lies, then why doesn’t Tom Batiuk drop Funky and take up Starbuck. After all, he’s gone to great lengths to detail a lot of Starbuck’s world, and it clearly holds a great deal of importance–heck, unless you follow Batiuk’s blog, there are all kinds of things in the strip that simply come out of nowhere. By contrast, over in Funkytown, he can’t even be bothered to remember names or hair color and the characters are stagnant and miserable.

My guess (and it is only that) is that Tom Batiuk has enough self-awareness to know that if he were to tackle Starbuck Jones, he’d ruin it. So far, the only appearances of Starbuck Jones have been comic book covers. Never an actual adventure. Well, a cover can promise a great deal, and it never has to deliver. It isn’t expected to deliver. It’s just supposed to make you buy the magazine. It’s supposed to set up a story, not tell it.

But, if you’re going to make a space adventure comic, you cannot just promise adventure and then have people smirking over old comic books. It’s going to require actual storytelling. Moon Mile Meek has to leave the space house and find a giant monster somehow. (Although I’d be willing to bet that Kloog showed up on the doorstep, thus obviating the need for Meek to do anything. I’m also getting the distinct vibe that Meek touched one of Kloog’s comic books, and that’s what set everything off. Sigh.)

To do actual storytelling, you have to have excitement, drama, action, violence, fresh fruit. Passion. Thrills. Spills. Romance. Adventure–all the things you would expect to find in a space adventure book. And when presented with the chance to do any of these things in Funky Winkerbean, Tom Batiuk turns away and does essentially nothing. A chance for some police action with Dick Tracy? No way, let’s have Tracy haul boxes of comic books. How about romance, with Wally and Rachel? Not really–that whole thing was presented as “Well, everything is only going to get worse, might as well get married now.” Danger and intrigue in the Middle East with Cory Winkerbean? Sorry, the cat’s eaten it. Adventure? Ah, usually fresh on Monday, today the van broke down. And so on.

Even if he only did the writing, there isn’t a way that I can see that Tom Batiuk could produce a Starbuck Jones story that would satisfy anyone, including himself, and its lack of substance would probably depress him even further. It would emphasize the various things lost to this strip over the years. Storytelling, for one. I don’t see any storytelling going on in this strip. Ergo, Starbuck Jones will continue to be mentioned and continue to appear on covers, but that will be the extent of it.

Ultimately, my point is this–that those expecting anything of interest to pop up in this strip had best appreciate things like today’s artwork, junked up as it is with crap. Let’s face it, there are some stains that no detergent can remove, and that shirt is always going to look like that.

Well, my guest stint now comes to an end. Tune in tomorrow when the unparalleled Epicus Doomus takes over center stage. I thank you for your indulgence, and I am outta here!

In a clamorous appealing to the mercy of the fire

Link to today’s piffle.

The content of today’s strip implies that Droppo and Pungent spent the entire weekend doing a cover mock-up. (Complete with title, logo, price, etc. Is Darin also a compositor in the print shop?) Because a cover is the only thing that Cigar McBalding is holding… I thought they were supposed to be doing an entire comic book, and that’s why it was so arduous? Hell, I could do a cover mock-up over a weekend without a problem.

–Unless I missed something–this strip is so careful and attentive to detail, after all.

If all they were doing was a cover, why was Pete even there? Oh well, looking for consistency or common sense in this thing is a fool’s errand. It’s like asking, “Why is Darin’s hair in color when everything else is sepiatone?” There’s no answer to that, man.

I think Moon Mile Meek is the big-eared thing barely visible at the bottom of panel one.

I seem to recall some Bat-Mite like thing on other Starbuck Jones covers. Doesn’t seem like a great idea to give it its own book, but what do I know? Superman’s Pal Jimmy Olsen was a successful enough comic for years. Of course, Olsen was an occasionally entertaining moron who drank whatever potions he found lying around, turned ray projectors on himself and ate millions of pancakes. Then Superman would have to save him. And then, the exact same thing would happen all over again the next month. There were always more potions, radioactive rocks, alien artifacts, magical crowns, and so on. Superman never lost patience with Jimmy or tried to knock some sense into him (and his teeth out of him), and despite what I imagine were hundreds of fan letters, Superman never punched Jimmy so hard he flew into a completely different comic book.

So I suspect that the same formula would follow in Moon Mile Meek, minus the “entertaining” bits of course. After all, the exact same thing happens with Funky Winkerbean. Someone will be asked to do something, he’ll complain the entire way, then it’ll end with a pun and a smirk. Interesting how the Starbuck Jones universe keeps expanding, while the strip that hosts it continues to shrink.

So, are we all ready for the comic book tribute tomorrow? It looks like it might be well drawn at least.

The Lost Weekend

Link to today’s offal.

So, apparently Starbuck Jones has another sidekick in addition to Jupiter Moon and Isaac the robot, apparently named Moon Mile Meek, and about whom we have heard nothing before this day. Way to keep the quality control on high, there. This seems to flatly contradict the advice Tom Batiuk was given (reprinted on his blog), about referring to characters by name, etc, so new readers are quickly brought up to speed.

I happen to agree with that, by the way. While there are certainly ways to make it really awkward (“Miss Jameson, you may be the best-selling mystery author of all time, but even I, your agent, don’t know why you need to spend a night in a haunted house!”), I’ve seen movies where the lead character wasn’t given a name until halfway though the movie. It’s nice to know who the characters are, so when they’re not around and someone refers to them, you can say “Oh, that guy. That cartoonist guy who draws that dull strip.”

So, this Moon Mile Meek might be anyone. Perhaps on your way home someone will pass you in the dark, and you will never know it, for they will be from outer space, and their name will be Moon Mile Meek! Can you prove that it didn’t happen?

At any rate, or rather because of, we have today’s thing. Those characters in panel one are really poorly drawn–I mean, that is some seriously bad artwork, but…no matter, for we’re off to Nostalgia Park. See, it’s funny because the boss is a fat stupid guy, and the artists are all like “Whoa” because they have to make a space comic in just a couple of days. You can start slapping your knees…now.

Actually, I don’t see how the Deflated Due have a problem here. They can just concoct a story where Starbuck, Moon Mile, Jupiter and Isaac are all sitting around the space office, space bitching because the space boss expects them to go out on space patrol, and they’d rather not. They’d rather wax space nostalgic about the olden days when–and here’s the space twist–old TV movies were made and the staff totally hated working on them.

They hated working so much, they actually broke the space barrier and space hated it.