Westview High School – Page 40

You Can’t Spell “Dinkle” without “DIE”

Greetings, folks, BChasm back for another stint. Thanks to HeyItsDave for a splendid performance. And here we go–

Oh good, we’re about to be lectured about how awful hazing is, without being shown (or told about) any of it, so the week will be two people discussing something without defining it. And before you ask, I have not peeked ahead; it’s just the way these things are always dealt with. Hazing, bullying, class rings, Hollywood, Crazy Harry’s Happy Dance…you name it, and Tom Batiuk will tell you how bad it is without a single word “why.”

I cannot imagine why Batiuk keeps bringing back Dinkle. I know that he personally loves the character and thinks he’s a font of wisdom and humor, but he is neither. And Batiuk can’t be using him as a sop to the folks who read Act I; the character has been turned into something repellent, second only to the odious Les. I suppose, like Les, it’s tempting to think of him as a defiant middle finger thrust at his critics, but man what a waste of energy.

The good part of today’s strip is panel three–it looks like age has finally caught up with Harry Dinkle and he’s about to dissolve away before our very eyes.

I’m kidding of course; even if that were to happen, we’d only hear about it through other people discussing it, and we’d never see a single frame for ourselves. By Grabthar’s Hammer, what a moment to cherish.

And Then Along Came Jones

Link to today’s strip.

Yesterday, I posited that we wouldn’t see any of the strip’s promised action. Well, I guess Tom Batiuk sure showed me! Though I, in turn, would like him to explain Chullo’s remark. How many graduations has he been to, exactly?

I sure hope Mr. Director Man–whose name I do not believe we’ve been given–is prepared to shoot this scene over and over again. If you want a crowd of people running in terror, you don’t want your extras looking like they’re having a fun time. Kinda undercuts what you’re trying to achieve. So for take two, Mr. Director Man, you should tell the crowd to look frightened.

Technically, though, you’re not allowed to talk to the extras, Mr. Director Man. That’s the job of the assistant director; in fact, if a director “directs” an extra–even something like “Hey, you! Get off the set!”–that extra now moves up to become a paid player. Yet another thing to add to the “Tom Batiuk knows nothing about how movies are made” column.

This 24/7/365 Starbuck Jones obsession clearly shows that Tom Batiuk has lost all interest in both of his comic strips. I don’t know why he continues with Funky Winkerbean or Crankshaft–the paycheck, I guess, and the chance to win an award for longevity. There certainly have not been any stories that engaged him that don’t involve Starbuck Jones. The “senior trip” thing recently was an embarrassment, something he felt he had to get out of the way so he could get back to Starbuck Jones. Before that, it was a week of Wedgeman’s class ring. Obviously stuff that a “high school strip” needs, but interesting to no one.

The problem is, as I’ve mentioned before, Tom Batiuk is self-aware enough to know that he doesn’t have the talent to do Starbuck Jones. This is why we’ve never seen Starbuck Jones doing anything in the strip, other than “appearing.” When he had the vintage serial arc, we saw practically nothing of the film but we sure had a lot of people jabbering over it. When a comic book cover is required, someone else draws it. Tom Batiuk has written or drawn nothing of significance regarding Starbuck Jones.

So, aware that if he tried it, he would ruin it, I imagine Tom Batiuk would hire people to write and draw Starbuck Jones. Oh, he would be the editorial supervisor, and make suggestions and create new characters and so forth. In other words–

He would be Brady Wentworth.

Given Mr. Batiuk’s record on wrapping things up quickly, well…I haven’t seen tomorrow’s entry, but it would not surprise me one bit if it’s something like this–

Bear in mind, this is one day after filming in a high school auditorium. Yes, it’s unlikely, but…can you prove that it won’t happen?

That’s it from me, folks! Tune in tomorrow when the fantastic Epicus Doomus takes the center seat. Back to the funway, which is already in progress!

Explosions, Smoke and Chaos (Oh My!)

Link to today’s strip.

I’ll take a guess that we won’t see any of those explosions, smoke and chaos. Heck, we’ve been told about them, isn’t that enough for our ungrateful little hearts?

I still can’t imagine what a high school graduation ceremony has to do with a space adventure film. I guess that’s a failure on my part, because Pete Rossini is such a great writer that he never writes terrible things. He wrote The Amazing Mr. Sponge, for God’s sake! That’s as awesome as you can get without crushing someone’s windpipe.

It’s hard not to notice how the whole Starbuck Jones keeps diminishing. First, it was an epic space adventure with a hero who flew to alien worlds with his robot side-kick. There were aliens and death capsules and an octo-shark. It looked like it might be something…fun. Entertaining. Something expansive and open for adventure, like the Star Trek universe.

Then it started shrinking. Shooting in Cleveland? Well…okay, some CGI overlays could make it appear futuristic. A present-day school bus in a scene? By accident, and the director wants to keep it? Um, well, I dunno…

And now we’re shooting a contemporary graduation ceremony. That seems to have done it–Starbuck Jones has been brought down to earth.

Should the Starbuck Jones movie ever see the light of day, it will consist of Starbuck and Jupiter sitting on the couch watching TV. They’ll be dressed the way suburbanites dress today. They won’t say a word to each other, and we’ll never get a look at what they’re watching. And it’ll go on for two hours.

Or, you know, it might be something fantastic.

That seems to be the consistent nature of Funky Winkerbean: lower your expectations. No, no, lower than that. Holly travels to complete Cory’s comic book collection. Will she learn to wheel-deal, develop her killer instincts? Nope, people will just hand them to her. A Funky-Dick Tracy crossover? Oh cool, maybe shoot-outs and a murder! Nope, Dick and Sam will haul boxes of comic books. And now Starbuck Jones is taking place at Westview High.

I will give the strip this: it has really taught me the limits of my imagination. Every time a story begins, I posit that it will be the dullest, least-creative thing I can imagine. And I’m always wrong.

“Remember, You’re All Going to Die”

Link to today’s strip.

So here we are on graduation day, and Mason’s speech is…really something. You could paste Les’ head in panel one and it would sound perfect coming from him. No wonder Mason was frightened. He certainly looks miserable now…I can kind of see the scene:

Mason (dour): I don’t know why I agreed to give the speech. I only have a few hours to prepare/I don’t see any bent nails anywhere/What can I say that will make them care?/I’ll be out in front of everyone, bare. [Sorry about that–BC] This is going to be a disaster. I have no idea what I should say.

Les (smirking): I have just the thing. (hands over a sheaf of paper)

Mason (greatly relieved): Great! (reads)

Mason (In a very, very small voice): Oh.

Welcome to Westview, Mason. You are now officially part of the Great Circle of Death. Hakuna Matata!

On a much happier note, Chullo and Glasses are graduating! That means we’ll never have to see them again! Can I get a “Hell yeah!”? Oh and Alex too! (Didn’t recognize her in all that white.)

Does Tom Batiuk realize he has no more student characters? Oh sure, there was…uh, Bernie? And…Paige? It was Paige wasn’t it? Yeah, those characters were sure fleshed out and ready to take center stage. Oh, and the Color-Change twins! Who could forget them? Other than me, I mean.

CTRL-ALT-DULL

Link to today’s strip.

Well!…and that’s that. Anyone who thought that the computer might actually do something has to be contented with some hot wheeled-away action. Yet another disappointment, one supposes, though at least memories of the “fun” Act I weren’t ruined. In other words, it could have been worse. Far worse.

The way things develop in this strip is truly unfathomable; one can’t help but wonder why the computer was brought back at all, except 1) as a tease to long-time readers, only to be dashed to earth, signifying this strip is serious so look elsewhere for “fun”; 2) as a form of “striking the set,” ie, removing anything that might be entertaining, and 3) as a means to mention Starbuck Jones yet again, though Tom Batiuk is slipping by not using his full name. Which “Starbuck” is this, Tom, I’m all confused!

Maybe now that it has, *cough*, contributed, the computer will go to Washington DC on a senior class trip! That should take, oh, half an off-screen panel.

For someone who contributed nothing at all this week, Les sure looks remarkably smug in panel one (though to be fair, that’s his default expression). And in panel two, Tom Batiuk’s itch is finally scratched and Les opens his mouth. Jim Kibblesnbits is a complete ass, but I’m willing to reduce his massive negative score by one for shutting down Les. (Personally, I would have used one fewer syllable, if you know what I mean, but then that’s me.) His stance perfectly conveys utter contempt and disdain. Oh, I’m sure the lesson we’re supposed to take is that Les is so wise and deep, such that no one is capable of swimming in his waters. They’d rather stay in the warm, ignorant shallows. Anyone who has read this strip for any length of time will take the opposing view, that Les is being deservedly beached on his deserted isle.

Jim Kibblesnbits is one of those characters who rarely appears, but like a fly discovered embedded in the lemon meringue, his rarity doesn’t lesson his loathsomeness in any way. He shines out like a rotten, crumbling sun, spraying sickly light on vast dead plateaus and their attendant population of shriveling bacteria and scrubby lichens. Today, though, in this one thing, I give him a half-lidded smirk and the offhand flick of a salute. Here, I wish more people would look to him as an example. (And nowhere else.) He’s been an ass all his life, and he’ll be an ass tomorrow, but tonight by God he’s everyone’s hero.

The three of them walking away from an already forgotten, completely despised Les is a truly poetic image, made more so by the vent lines on the locker near Les’ mouth. It looks like he’s bleating…which he probably is.

Les should be broken in half, placed in a paper bag on your worst enemy’s doorstep, then lit on fire. Ring the doorbell and prepare to be entertained.