Candy Crush

Link to today’s strip.

So, the evil internet, with its Twitter Tots, Internuts and beady eyed nitpickers has come to the rescue of the Bedside Manor oldsters?  I wonder what changed in Tom Batiuk’s worldview, to admit that the internet actually has some use…  No, not really–actually, I wonder how we’re going to be shown what didn’t change, as we watch the oldsters fall victim to web hucksterism, and see their accrued cash disappear into some bitcoin Hell, along with their crushed dreams of release from Dinkle.  Dinkle, of course, will be there, smirking to beat the band (yes, that’s intentional) and telling them how he knew this was going to happen.  But while he is a god of wrath, he can be merciful.  All they have to do is put themselves back into his hands.  There’s still time to sell band candy, he’ll purr.

…you know, I may have been doing this Funky Winkerbean commentary thing way too long.  The idea of something genuinely positive happening to someone other than Les Moore–that idea seems to automatically reject itself.  The fact that it was the oldsters themselves who came up with this scheme, and NOT Harry Dinkle, seems to doubly condemn the oldsters to the sourest of outcomes.

I honestly had no idea that cynicism, by which I mean my cynicism, could be this deep, and this broad.  It’s no wonder I paint nothing but skulls, lately.

Speaking of which, does anyone know who “Connie” is?  I assume she’s the drummer, but I get lost when the characters here are only named when medical emergencies prevent them from doing their due Dinkle diligence.  I do know one of them is named Carl, but only because he was a wuss and nearly died.

Oh, well…at least Tom Batiuk ended this one in two frames, because it looks like Mort/Violin player are starting to get a bit randy in panel two, and that’s rather more than I need to see.  It doesn’t help with the cynicism thing at all.

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15 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

15 responses to “Candy Crush

  1. Epicus Doomus

    The entire Batiukiverse is built on a foundation of cynicism. Sarcasm, wryness, deadpan reactions and knowing smirks…the four fundamental forces of the Batiukiverse, all with cynicism at their core. Take away the cynicism and Batiuk would be lucky to be drawing cartoon mazes for the backs of cereal boxes. As cynical as I may be (and I once made fun of a FW service dog arc, mind you) I’m a piker next to this guy, it’s not even close. He’s so cynical he had to invent TWO other comic strips just to capture the overflow. That would be like me contributing to a Crankshaft snark blog, which will happen right after I ice skate across the River Styx.

    Yeah, har har, the old people are a “step ahead” of, uh, the other old person…simply hysterical. Dinkle is always hanging around WHS yet knows nothing about the band fund raiser. In his “free time” he hangs around with his Bedside Manor band and knows nothing about that fund raiser either. How is that even possible?

    • Saturnino

      “(and I once made fun of a FW service dog arc, mind you)”

      BTW, what ever DID happen to Buddy?

      • hitorque

        He probably died from the mental/emotional strain after his asshole owner dragged him to the front row of the “Monsters of Death Metal” concert at Quicken Loans Arena

  2. billytheskink

    I would certainly hope they raised more money than they needed. Heck, I could probably raise $11 via crowdfunding too, and all I can do is draw rude pictures of Salmon P. Chase with a leaky Bic pen.

    And I never knew Mort was one of the California Raisins!

    • Saturnino

      “I would certainly hope they raised more money than they needed.”

      It’s amazing how much you can make when you go selling caskets door-to-door

  3. Double Sided Scooby Snack

    DURR HURR HURR….. Let’s hear it for 90 year old computer geniuses Cliff Banger, Master of eBay, and Alzheimer’s patient Connie Lingus, who raised tens of Dollars on Indiegogogogo. Because stuff like this happens every day — as long as you stay inside Batty’s pointy little bald head.

    What the Hell, exactly, are the expenses for recording a nursing home band? What would you guess this band actually sounds like? Are they renting studio time, hiring an engineer, renting high end equipment, paying for mixing and editing? Printing liner notes and slick disk labels?

    I’d hope not. Yeah, I know something about musical performance. I’d guess if you’re in a nursing home, your physical and/or mental limitations just might hinder your ability to read music and perform. I’m not saying the elderly and infirm shouldn’t be allowed to jam if they want to. But you might not want to record it. And you definitely wouldn’t invest much money on it.

    The stupid keeps rolling in. I think Batty just might stick with band fund raising for the rest of the year.

  4. This clearly implies a horror too bleak to contemplate on a full stomach. The idea that there’s a zombie army out there who looks at Dinkle and finds something to admire would cause most decent people to vomit in terror.

  5. hitorque

    These poor, deluded fools… Thinking all this time that the entire charade was really about “candy” and “fundraising”… It was about *POWER* and Dinkle has a thousand alternate methods to grind their souls under his fascist boot…

    • Comic Book Harriet

      Amen! My thoughts exactly. These old folks probably could have paid the money themselves out of the massive capital Depression era elderly are hoarding till their death. But then who would sale Dinkle’s precious Belgian Awards Points.

  6. Couple of random thorts: (1) Little drummer gal must have her kit on wheels, because in yesterday’s strip she is positioned behind and to the left of That Guy Who Looks Just Like Funky, while today she’s to the right. (2) TB almost unfailingly comes up with “cute” play-on-word names for real-world items or companies (think iFruit, Fleabay, etc.), but today he simply dropped in the actual term, Indiegogo, which suggests that he either doesn’t trust his audience to “get” the crowdfunding reference, or that the mental well ran dry when he was trying to come up with alternatives. (How hard is it to think of a stand-in term like JumpStarter, or Moneygogo anyway?) Oh, wait – I’m expecting consistency from a daily comic strip. Never mind.

  7. bobanero

    I did correctly predict the kickstarter angle yesterday, though I was really expecting an extension of the mattress joke. Anyway, now that the CD production is fully funded, I’m expecting Masone to get a copy, and after listening, he’ll decide to hire them to do the soundtrack for the next Starbuck Jones sequel.

    • ian'sdrunkenbeard

      “I don’t give a crap how much you raised! After practice you’re hitting the streets to sell candy door-to-door! Now open your Barry Manilow songbooks to page 6 – “Mandy”. A one and a two…”

  8. Sally Forth has been running a dead dad storyline that is everything FW isn’t. Batiuk is probably furious.

  9. Rusty Shackleford

    Whoops posted this on yesterday’s thread by mistake:

    Crankshaft: Why is it that everyone shown running in a Batty strip always looks miserable? These people look they are ready to drop—save for Les, who doesn’t even break a sweat.

    It’s been unusually warm in Ohio this week and I’ve seen lots of runners on the trails. All have been happy and friendly. If you don’t like running (I hate it), then do something else like hike or bike.

    • Comic Book Harriet

      It’s just Batty being ‘nordic.’ The characters he shows running are always miserable middle-aged people fruitlessly sweating and staggering around because they feel some kind of moral obligation to attempt to stay healthy and live longer even though they haven’t really enjoyed life in decades.