Doo Diligence

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So Mason is insisting on holding a phony casting call just to assure Les that he’s putting every available resource into finding the perfect Lisa, even though he’s already decided who’ll play her? So they’re going to waste thousands of dollars and everyone’s valuable time just to put the smug bearded dick with ears at ease? BatHam’s insane “inside Hollywood” fantasies are spiraling out of control again. This is the most laughable cancer movie premise yet and they haven’t even settled on the cast yet. For anyone else setting your story on the set of a Hollywood movie would have all sorts of potential, but just like with Starbuck Jones he instead opts to focus on the most mundane aspects, like picking up a guy who’ll be sitting in during casting. Yet another fanciful sub-universe full of lore, characters and lingo where absolutely nothing ever happens. Sigh.

Why is Cindy always chauffeuring Les around? Isn’t she some sort of newscaster? It always amazes me how everyone in the Funkyverse always seems to have nothing better to do at any given moment. “The same driver”…he mentioned another arc, albeit a way more recent one this time. He’s suddenly doing that all the time and I find it kind of unnerving.

33 Comments

Filed under Son of Stuck Funky

33 responses to “Doo Diligence

  1. billytheskink

    Marianne Winters for the lead? Is replacing Masone as Les?

  2. William Thompson

    “Look, Jarr-ay, this is my studio’s money you’re wasting. Cancel this crap, and if it hurts that hack’s tender feelings, tough. Our lawyers drew up the contract so that he can’t weasel out like he did with CME. But I can fire you as the producer, pretty-boy.”

  3. William Thompson

    If anyone actually cared about Les’s feelings enough to notice them, they’d feed him some pure, unadulterated bullshit about how the chemistry readings checked out dozens of performers, and son of a gun, Marianne Winters had the highest gazoomba score. And, sorry, Les, we didn’t record them because of legal considerations, but we can assure you we only looked at the most Lisa-like creature in Hollywood. (Then hang up and snicker about malnourished, drug-addled West Hollywood hookers)

  4. Captain Gladys Stoatpamphlet

    Les doesn’t even want to be there, but he wouldn’t actually tell Mason that. Les’s stubbornness is a catch-22.

  5. Gerard Plourde

    So does TomBa want his readers to be upset or pleased about Mason’s subterfuge? It could be that he’s planning to make Mason the one person in Hollywood who understands and can bring Les’ vision effectively to the screen. The one thing we can be sure of is that we’re in for a stretch of frustrating, disjointed storytelling.

  6. Charles

    As I said, Mason is setting this whole thing up under false pretenses to lie to Les, which is why I can’t imagine that he’s going to get what he wants out of this. He can’t employ this scheme successfully and still remain a good guy.

    Anyway, color me not surprised that we’ve now wasted 2 days on this thing with pointless setup. I figure this whole vetting actresses thing will get started in earnest by Friday at the earliest.

    • Epicus Doomus

      Or, alternately, Mason trots out Marianne who is “perfect” thus proving to Les that Mason does indeed know what he’s doing. It’s the only other way it can go.

    • We’ll spend the next three days watching Less search for a bent nail that Masone can bring to the Chemistry Reading.

  7. Mela

    Les didn’t have the guts to say no to making the movie,and Mason doesn’t have the guts to say “Les, I’m casting Marianne Winters (for whatever reason) even if you don’t like that choice (for whatever reason)”. Sigh, they deserve each other.

  8. Doghouse Reilly (Philadelphia)

    So, wait a minute…is Cin-dull in on the fact that these “chemistry reads” are a big set-up on Masonne’s part to assuage Mopey McSulkscribe oh-so-sensitive feelings, and if so, why did she have to go through the embarrassing ritual of promising to act like a sane, rational adult yesterday? And why, after meeting Les in a convertible last time, did she come to the airport today in what appears to be a 1947 Packard?

    • justifiable

      Because Todd has no idea that car services exist. He’s obviously looking to claim every cent he spent on his recent “La” trip as a business expense on his taxes, so who knows what rental car charges he racked up and is trying to legitimize here. I’m seriously going to drop a dime on him because all the images he needed to make the trip for, from Chateau Marmont to pictures he claims he took all by himself but are obviously aerial drone captures, are all easily found on Google.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      I’ve been to LAX many times. The pick up area looks nothing like that.

      Great research Batty.

      • Banana Jr. 6000

        Maybe he flew to Burbank this time.

        • Rusty Shackleford

          Agh, that’s right. The twice daily nonstop from Westview lands in Burbank.

          • Banana Jr. 6000

            FUN FACT: Westview Airport keeps a private plane standing by for Les’ travel needs. It’s their way of honoring Lisa’s memory. Interestingly, it can fly to both Paris and Hong Kong, but Les hasn’t asked them to.

  9. justifiable

    WTF is this now? Not only has Todd displaying his typical misogyny by having the female head of her own production company just give up control of everything – including her finances – to some dipshit male actor who knows nothing about producing a film but plenty about placating a tyrannical outsider manbaby who knows even less than he does, but yet again he can’t keep his “I’m so cool that I know this” jargon straight.

    A casting call is NOT a chemistry read – it’s the first stage of casting a role, and it’s the casting director and maybe the producer – which means Candace – and film’s director who does the initial culling from the filmed audition/screen tests, which, if it’s a dialogue and not a monologue reading, are done with an out-of-shot reader. Who doesn’t have input is some fuckwit typecast leading man wannabe producer who thinks he knows everything about film-making even though all his experience to date has been in front of the camera. The chemistry read, which is also for the camera, doesn’t happen until a later stage, when the field has been narrowed down and the actors have had several callbacks and can go off-book, meaning they’ve memorized the material, and can focus on acting the part with the prospective lead or leads.

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Either way, Cindy is going to do or say something on set and everyone will look surprised and say “ We found our Lisa”

      • Banana Jr. 6000

        Preferably, in the style of Zero Mostel shouting “That’s our Hitler!” from the original The Producers.

      • William Thompson

        Probably after something hits her in the head and knocks her silly. A combination of scrambled speech and a goofball expression should do the trick, especially for Les.

  10. Hitorque

    So why didn’t Les just go with Masone on the same flight back to Los Angeles?

    Hell, for that matter why didn’t Masone just go with Les on the same flight to Cleveland, since he started stalking him the day after he returned home?

    Y’all thought I was joking when I said Masone had unlimited power on the movie set with no oversight whatsoever and mere mortal concerns like scheduling, budget and deadlines didn’t apply to him…

  11. Paul Jones

    All this to reassure some weenus who doesn’t really want the movie to be made and doesn’t want them to know who Lisa actually was. A quarter of an inch from reality, my ass.

  12. Hitorque

    1. Isn’t this the part where producer/financial backer/distributor lady (or whatever the hell her job is) asks exactly what the fuckin’ hell is so important about keeping Les happy when he’s already signed on the bottom line?? I thought the priorities were to keep the suits up in the boardroom happy?

    1a. Why hasn’t Masone told producer lady or the director about Lisa’s beyond-the-grave fourteen volume video anthology? A development like that is kind of important, don’t you think? It’s like Mao’s Little Red Book when a family member has cancer… Even if Les never shares the videos, the director still has to take some creative license and have Hollywood Lisa record *something* for her husband and daughter…

    2. So if Marianne *IS* playing Lisa, why did she miss out on weeks and weeks of essential “research” into the “real” life of Lisa Moore? Why hasn’t she talked to Lisa’s family, friends and classmates?

    3. Once again I really must ask why Les gives a shit who plays Lisa, since he didn’t care back when CME was making the movie.

    4. Maybe Masone can bring back that CME girl? Because she had her some tig ol’ bitties… Like two playful dolphins trying to wriggle out of her top…

    • Maxine of Arc

      Still absolutely zero indication that Marianne has even been told this movie exists.

  13. Hitorque

    And I’m pretty sure Cindye doesn’t work anymore, to paraphrase Eddie Murphy, her only job is to fuck her husband

  14. sgtsaunders

    So they’re going to jack around several actresses, waste their time and get their hopes up with no intention of hiring any of them just to make Les happy, a heretofore impossible task. Whatever shitty force guides the Funkiverse is strong with this Mason guy.

  15. Count of Tower Grove

    Meanwhile back in Worstview, Principal Nate visits Caucayla and they can do the bop on clean sheets rather than that nasty mattress in the boiler room.

  16. Banana Jr. 6000

    So our main character who doesn’t want to have a casting call is having one for our other main character who doesn’t want to make the movie at all.

    This is a story about nothing within a story about nothing about making a story about nothing.

    How many more times can Batiuk divide zero by zero? It’s almost mathematically interesting.

    • Epicus Doomus

      Classic Batiuk. His main character is involved with making a Hollywood movie based on the book the entire strip has centered around for over a decade, yet the story itself centers around the most unbelievably mundane aspects of the project, like picking people up at the airport. It’s like he’s afraid of chasing his readers away with too much action.

  17. Perfect Tommy

    Kinda like Mr. Spock locking the serial killer ghost out of the computer by having it calculate pi to the last digit.

  18. Perfect Tommy

    So last week, Masonic Lodge flies To Ohio, follows Less around, gets denied access to the Ark of the Covenant/Lisa tapes and flies home.
    And this advances the story how?

    • Rusty Shackleford

      It makes it so that Batty can get his day job done and back to reading comic books poolside.

      • Gerard Plourde

        It might be a little chilly to be poolside. Maybe upstairs with a cup of hot chocolate and some comics.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      Mason Lodge would actually be a more clever name. He could be a distant relative of Veronica from Archie Comics.