Don’t… please, don’t!

Praise be! Les has been rendered speechless in today’s strip!

There were those who said it couldn’t be done… heck, I was one of them, but here we are. I can’t say I’m not relatively grateful to start my blogging stint off with a strip where Les doesn’t speak. Such strips are as rare as Pete and Durwood being productive, so I’ll note them.

That said, I’m not sure why Les is reacting with such slack-jawed shock at the sight of MariLisa. He’s seen Lisa so so so many times since her death, and I’m not even counting the thousands of times he probably watched those dang videocassettes, so how is this in any way weird for him?

31 Comments

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31 responses to “Don’t… please, don’t!

  1. William Thompson

    “No! No! You’re perfect! You’ll ruin the movie because Lisa was never perfect!”

  2. Epicus Doomus

    I knew this was coming. What did he think she’d look like, Linda Bushka? It’s a novel, so what difference does Lisa’s appearance really make? Why is complete historical accuracy so important here? And given his history, why is Les torturing himself this way? It’s all so disturbed and twisted in so many ways.

    • billytheskink

      That’s a fair point. There might, MIGHT, be 20 potential moviegoers, all of whom live in Westview (is there even a theater in the town?) who even know what Lisa (and Act II Les for that matter) looked like much less care that she is depicted in the film with pinpoint accuracy. No one cared that that Julia Roberts didn’t look exactly (or all that much) like the real Erin Brockovich.

      • Epicus Doomus

        Taking two very marketable movie stars and ugly-ing them up so they’ll look exactly like two completely unknown characters in a novel seems like exactly the sort of thing “Hollywood” would never do in real life. But I guess making sure the buildings in the strip look like the real-life studio he saw was his nod to “realism” in this arc.

        • Banana Jr. 6000

          It’s practically a cliche that unattractive characters in TV and movies are played by gorgeous people. They’re just given bad fashion sense and Harrison Bergeron-style uglifying prosthetics. Like Missi Pyle in Dodgeball. No way would a Hollywood makeup department go to the effort of making star actors accurately resemble these two schlubs.

  3. CRM114

    So…Les jumps her, she screams, cops come, off to jail, gets his new BFF named Big Bubba, script gets a quick rewrite.

  4. Gerard Plourde

    So is this the reaction TomBa had when he saw George Kennedy made up as Crankshaft?

    • Mela

      Actually, George as Crankshaft is pretty danged impressive.

      • Dood

        It takes some kind of range to go from Dragline in “Cool Hand Luke” — and an Academy Award for Best Supporting Actor — to “Crankshaft.”

      • Banana Jr. 6000

        It really is. It’s a great honor to have a prominent actor like George Kennedy want to play a character you created, and take the time to put on all the necessary makeup.

        A Crankshaft movie with Kennedy in the title role could have been interesting.

  5. It will all add up to nothing. That’s the way these strips work. Tease but immediately deflate that tease. It’s the Batiuk Method.

  6. billytheskink

    Is that wig authentic?

    You know Les kept the original.

    • AmigoLupus

      Why do you think Mason stalked Les into his house? Gotta keep it as authentic as possible, he’d say!

    • See, this is why I couldn’t wait for billytheskink to step up to the plate…the man has command of the archives.

    • Banana Jr. 6000

      Yes, Lisa, I’m sure Congress will be shocked when they see that a cancer patient exhibits a well-known effect of chemotherapy. They hear about social problems and requests for funding every day of their lives.

      I’m so sick of all the godlike reverence for Lisa. All she did was co-opt an existing trip to speak before Congress, and whine that they weren’t do enough to save her. She was no Mr. Rogers saving PBS.

    • Doghouse Reilly (Minneapolis)

      I’m surprised he doesn’t make Cayla wear it.

  7. Captain Gladys Stoatpamphlet

    What is the featureless black thing in her hand?

    • Doghouse Reilly (Philadelphia)

      A costume wool cap to go with her jacket, since apparently they’re shooting a “fall/winter in Ohio” scene first? A better question would be what is that featureless white thing staring at her?

    • Count of Tower Grove

      A crushed, black MAGA cap?

  8. Paul Jones

    And of course you know they’re going to ugly up Mason to make him look like Les. Gotta be consistently stupid.

    • William Thompson

      That would be consistent with illustrating Les’s character. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes all the way down.

  9. Hitorque

    Where does it say in the rulebook that actors must look *exactly* like the counterparts they’re playing (unless it’s a historic period piece)? Robert Redford didn’t so much as dye his hair a single shade darker to play Bob Woodward, Brad Pitt changed nothing about his appearance to play Billy Beane, the list goes on and on….

    • Rusty Shackleford

      Right, especially in this story as Lisa was not well known and so they could have cast someone with some stage appeal.

      Lisa makes me feel like I just had chemo and want to barf.

    • William Thompson

      It’s in the Batiuk Rulebook. One of the rules, incidentally, is that Act II Les must always wear a piss-yellow shirt. (Okay, the book doesn’t explicitly say that. But there’s a page covered in yellow crayon scribbles, so that’s probably the rule.)

      I can’t even guess what Batiuk has in mind. Will Catherine of Arrogant come back? Will Masky McDeath make a special appearance to return Lisa’s soul from Hades? Will Wayback Wendy bring a coherent script from the (very, very far) future so the movie can be filmed? Are any of these suggestions brain-dead enough to match Batiuk’s plans?

      • FW Script Ideas Submissions Portal

        Thank you for your recent submission.

        Suggestions of plot developments that are potentially interesting are, of course, extremely unlikely to be used. Remember, if you ARE proposing something potentially interesting, in order for it to be considered, you must also come up with a way that it will be immediately rendered dull and pointless — and additionally, it should explicitly (but subtly) clash with previous Funky Winkerbean continuity.

        It’s called writing!

  10. Count of Tower Grove

    BWAWHAWHAWHAW! It’s funny because Less is as mute as Henry!

  11. Jim in Wisc.

    Looking at that collection of Leslie’s Dead St. Lisa hallucinations, I just realized something: He’s even more mentally ill than Ted Forth.

    • Paul Jones

      Not that the syndicate cares. They told Marciuliano “You’re making Ted Forth insane….stop it!” once and then gave up. Same deal with Les.

  12. spacemanspiff85

    How long do you think it’ll be before Les is caught looking at Marianne’s pictures on his laptop, “not in a weird way”?

  13. Jimmy

    Even Charlize Theron’s character in “Monster” is saying, “Wow, she is fugly!”

  14. Maxine of Arc

    This is so gross it’s actually kind of making me uncomfortable in a way I can’t fully articulate.