Epicus Doomus

The Big Dread Machine

Hey gang, Epicus is back to steer the SoSF ship through BanTom’s latest ~~dumpster fire~~ arc. Somewhere Sparky Anderson, Tony Perez, Don Gullet, Johnny Bench and Pete Rose are spinning in their graves and/or preparing nasty C&D letters right about now. Anyway, the normally sullen and scuzzy Owen (nice scarf) is beaming with Scapegoat Pride as he reports on the resurgent Goats astonishing 93-0 victory over Optimism High, located in Optimism, Ohio, two towns over and a world removed from ~~Miseryville~~ Westview. Look at him on that screen in panel three, he’s positively beaming with an almost Lisa-like radiance. The effect is quite jarring, actually.

So the Scapegoats are a powerhouse now, eh? Bull’s three decade-long rebuilding plan is at long last paying dividends, as those seventh and eighth year seniors are making all the difference. Now that the team is good (and knowing TomBat as I do) we can expect a lot of gags about how they used to suck, because moving on from something then continuously wallowing in it is how FW rolls, man.

A Brief History Of Banality

Link to today’s stupidity

“Hello, Mason? You’ll never believe this, but I was just talking to my younger self! No, I’m not drunk, they had a time pool in Crazy’s locker and…hello? Mason?”

The Browns gag isn’t that bad but otherwise yikes, this is some of the worst dialog I’ve ever seen in FW, which isn’t saying much as I make that statement at least twice a week. It’s almost as if Batom dreamed up the premise, then kicked back with a non-alcoholic craft brew, then suddenly realized that “hey, I still need a story here!”. Then he threw together whatever came to mind first. Cell phones, Facebook, massive weight gain…yup,that covers the last thirty seven years all right. Sigh. Too bad they don’t award Pultizers for premises that never go anywhere, otherwise TB would be at Home Depot every weekend buying new shelving.

I would figure that Mary Sue might be a little more surprised to be speaking to Lisa, especially given that she just put together the memorial board (featuring Lisa) a few weeks ago. But instead she’s chatting with her about cell phones as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to be talking to a young version of a woman who died eighteen years ago. Fat, stupid AND boring…boy, Batiuk REALLY has it in for those “popular girls” from high school, eh?

And speaking of Lisa, it’s absolutely flabbergasting that no one seems shocked, amazed or horrified that the most noteworthy dead Westviewian is suddenly dorking up the gym with her banal utterances. Perhaps they’re just so familiar with Ghost Lisa that it doesn’t merit more than a “meh” anymore. I know how THAT is. And sorry there Retcon Boy, but Lisa was never an “original” part of the WHS “gang”, nice try though.

Anyway, stay tuned as the always snarktastic Oddnoc bravely throws himself on next’s week’s grenade! Band boxes? Bedside Manor? Dead characters suddenly springing back to life? Find out with the rest of us on Monday night! Until next time…stay Funky!

Regrets, Tom’s Had A Few

Link to today’s strip

“What the F*CK happened to our nose?????” Wow, at long last Batiuk finally admits (in a roundabout way) that Funky Winkerbean was a stupid title that’s done nothing but provoke confused reactions and cratered the strip’s (potential) popularity. Well, that, plus the intensely shitty content. I don’t know why the Funkys don’t remember their last meeting, although it was several years ago which might as well be centuries in the Batiukiverse. I guess he’s just going to ignore the Lisa paradox here, for which we all should be forever grateful. Still though, you’d think that SOMEONE would tell her, although maybe Cayla is shooting daggers at anyone who tries lest it ends up somehow altering the future and spoiling her (chortle) movie option gravy train. All I know is that my head hurts more than usual. Too bad they didn’t go back to 1972 and throw away TB’s felt tips, it could have saved us a lot of trouble. This arc pretty much confirms that regardless of what happens in the strip, literally everything will devolve into stupid wry banter and sub-moronic wordplay. “Hey! That asteroid is heading right for Westview and we’ll all be obliterated! I guess that’s what they mean by “getting stoned”, eh?”. And cue the smirking.

Vapid Reaction

Link To Today’s Alleged “Comic Strip”

Yes Tom, we get the point: Cindy is empty-headed, vapid and (in 2015) incredibly old and run down. “Babelline”…oh, I get it. The trademark thing. We all know he can’t write for his female characters worth a damn but Cindy is especially terrible lately. That dialog is just laughably atrocious. I actually had to look up “Miss Marple“, given how I’m not really too well-versed in 1940’s pop culture trivia.

Even Young Les is looking at Now Les like he’s a world-class asshole. He’s so narcissistic that his young self didn’t do a damn thing to prevent Act III Les from existing. What a dick. Also look at how young silhouette Holly is eyeballing old Holly like “WTF?”. Now THAT’S horror.

The best thing, though, is that look of existential horror and dread on Lisa’s face as she realizes she’s dead in 2015. AND she’s right next to Les’ younger, hotter and decidedly less annoying second wife, which makes it even funnier. No wonder she ran off to drown her sorrows with Frankie and those cool kids, talk about traumatic. Seriously though, what is his intent here with Lisa? Is there any chance that this might actually go somewhere or is it just one of those freaky time anomalies that you see every now and again? Why did he even bother with including her in this at all?

Smells Like Teen Idiocy

Link To Today’s Contrivance

“Wow! Banner making and hanging technology hasn’t changed at ALL!!!!”.

Uh, excuse me there Mr. Batiuk sir, but where did Holly go? And I don’t quite know how to tell you this, but Lisa is F*CKING DEAD in 2015, which may explain why she’s so cold all the time. Now I’m only speaking for myself here, but I’d probably visit a future Super Bowl or Kentucky Derby, or perhaps I’d visit Manhattan to see what real estate became the most valuable. Not these morons though, no sir. The only real surprise here is that they didn’t end up in that shitty pizza place instead.

I guess this marks the official end of Batiuk’s “1/4 inch from reality” period. Let’s take a moment to remember that glorious era…OK, done. I wonder if anyone’s going to tell Lisa, you know? Talk about awkward. When she sees the “in memoriam” board will she instantly turn to dust or something? Or are we pretending THAT whole thing never happened too?