Change Stinks

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Well, Cindy, it might not smell so bad if you had the cab drop you off anywhere other than directly in front of that horrible pizza place, like the local dump or the fat rendering plant or the sewage treatment facility. But then again, without that hilarious Montoni’s backdrop her soul-crushing career and personal setbacks wouldn’t be quite as comical. RIGHT???

Speaking of comical, isn’t it funny how the good-looking popular girl from high school is now an old washed-up schlub who feels terrible about herself? And speaking of funny, isn’t it just SO WACKY how Cindy inexplicably visited her ex-husband’s awful pizzeria before she bothered with things like accommodations in the Cleveland area and visiting her new employer? The genius of it is that by the time whatever the premise is here finally unfolds, everyone will have forgotten that it began with a character doing something no sane, rational human being would ever do in “real life”. Welcome to the Funkyverse.

This has “bad sitcom premise” written all over it. I will tell you this: if it turns out that there’s another vacant apartment above Montoni’s that “no one’s using right now”, I am going to let the expletives fly, you can bank on that.

(Question for those of whom were paying attention at the time: what were the circumstances surrounding Funky and Cindy’s break-up? Was it Funky’s boozing or did she realize his dumb ass was holding her back or what? I believe it was semi-mutual, was it not? I sort of remember the original Funky & Cindy premise was “ordinary nobody (Funky) marries high school superstar (Cindy)” but I was ignoring huge chunks of Act II at the time so the rest of it is a blank to me. Fill us in if you remember, please.)

Shaft (Shut Your Mouth…No, Really, STFU Already)

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While I know a bit about the history of comic books, I’m far from being an expert in the field, so I’m just going to assume that somehow the Cleveland-based creators of “Superman” (REGISTERED TRADEMARK) were indeed somehow screwed over by those mean nasty impudent New Yorkers. Either that or TB is taking a shot at those “big city” folk, like how he’s always bashing “Hollywood”. Poor, poor Ohio, always getting “shafted” by those awful coastal folk and their decidedly un-Ohioian ways. But hey, at least they didn’t send her to Cincinnati, am I right?

Remarkably, Cindy’s plane landed uneventfully with no obvious fatalities, so I guess we’re to assume she is indeed Cleveland’s newest anchorwoman. One can also assume she’s going to spend the majority of the week bitching about it, too. Has there been a single arc so far in 2014 that DIDN’T feature a character or characters bitching and moaning about something? I’m gonna go out on a limb here and also assume that her first stop will be that f*cking town, although to what end is anyone’s guess at this point. But you can bet everything on this: whatever happens will be as uneventful and dull as watching paint dry (but at least with paint you can catch a cheap buzz off the fumes). No one can suck the life out of a premise like BatDrone can.

Snow Regrets

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Westview’s “nuclear winter” continues unabated today as our favorite lard-laden couple fondly reminisces about the events of last year, when Holly’s deviant punk of a son joined the Army after completing the “chin-up challenge” at the PTSD fair last summer. Batom’s attempts to get his readers to like Cory continues unabated as well as he thoughtfully included a particularly heinous floating disembodied Cory head to remind us of how snazzy he looks now that he’s military-approved. Hopefully the disembodied head is mere foreshadowing, but somehow I doubt it. His weird and sudden Holly & Funky fixation is really beginning to grate, though. How much more of these two buffoons can we possibly endure? Wait…do NOT answer that.

Over (weight) Achiever

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What the hell?? The idea well is getting awfully dry when you need to resort to jokes that make no sense whatsoever. Does he mean he needs to stay on a treadmill all day to merely maintain his current astronomical weight and not gain more? That’s not funny. And if that’s not the joke, what is it supposed to be? And why does everyone wryly smirk every time Funky makes another one of his sad-sack loser remarks about his decrepitude? What is it about this man’s slow and brutal slog to the grave that these people find so damned amusing? I just hope this ponderous debacle is over and we move on, although with FW you gotta be careful about what you wish for, you know?

The Fickle Hand Of Fat

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I don’t know what it would take to find Funky’s “core” although a wetsuit, thick rubber gloves and some type of breathing apparatus would probably be advisable. I do know that if he tries to lie on that ball like Fitness Girl is doing, that gym is going to have quite a lawsuit (and possibly some structural issues with the floor) on their hands. And another shuttered business is the last thing that town needs.

Still, I actually mustered up a weak chuckle at Funky’s creepy leering today, thus this one is in the lead for “funniest of 2014” so far. Still a lot of room in that category, by the way. Poor Fitness Girl, whatever they’re paying her at that gym, it isn’t enough. At least he’s isn’t sweating all over her today.