The Man Who Wasn’t There

Today’s strip

Greetings, fellow snarkers–tis I, BChasm, the guy who makes Les Moore look pithy and insightful, so let’s get to today’s offering before I get punched in the heart!

When Fearless Leader and I discussed this new arc, he offered that Tom Batiuk had totally forgotten how to draw Jim Kablichnik.  I felt compelled to disagree, mentioning that Kablichnik taught science, and thus would probably be delighted that the arts-and-other-crap were being cut, thus allowing him to perhaps steal a desk to go with his new chair.

No, I had the idea that the greybeard above was actually a brand new character being introduced.  Yes, with no last name, a first name already claimed by another teacher, no reference to prior appearances, and a character design that says that Jim Kablichnik, Les Moore and Crazy Harry fell into the Brundle telepod while holding hands and smiling into each others eyes.

Now, there is an argument that this is Kablichnik, now wearing glasses and a full beard, although the case is purely Batiukian.  Check the “Jim” in the panel three word balloon.  Note the amount of white space surrounding it.  Tell me there isn’t enough room in there to name this fellow “Nathanial” or “Millicent” or “Wolverine” for crying out loud.  So it may actually be Jim, meaning Tom Batiuk’s laziness (consistent character look, or handing out names) approaches legendary levels.

If it is a new character, an art teacher, those of you with long memories might recall that the Westview art teacher we’ve seen before was far, far less hirsute than this fellow, but not to worry–if this guy’s a brand new character, he’ll be gone before we can arrange a suitable memorial tribute.  Probably in less than a week.  The other fellow only got one panel, as I recall, before disappearing forever into “Funky Winkerbean characters I like, or at least don’t hate.”

As for the content of today’s jape (aimed at illustrating the problems of young people in a sensitive way, I’ll remind you), I might almost consider this “humorous,” since the sheer number of departments being cut (including lunch, for Pete’s sake) might be evidence of exaggeration for satirical effect…except that I think none of those words I just used have any meaning in Tom Batiuk’s world.

Despica-Bull Me

Many thanks to Epicus Doomus for the last couple weeks of posts! Tune in tomorrow as Beckoning Chasm begins a two-week guest stint!

—TFH

In a dark and deserted Jack Stropp Memorial Stadium, Coach Bull Bushka delivers the unhappy recap following the Scapegoats’ first game, and hence first loss, of the season.

Epicus Doomus
August 22, 2013 at 11:16 pm
…These WHS-themed strips are just the worst. He puts almost no effort into them at all anymore, they only exist out of some sense of “tradition”, I would guess.

And tradition holds that in these post-game interviews, the reporter serves as straight man, setting up Bull’s non-sequitur punchlines. But Bull, forced back into the head coach position while continuing to coach girls’ hoops and serve as Westview’s AD, can express only his utter resignation and despair.

Someone, Please…Make It Stop

Link to today’s crime against comedy strip

Wow, talk about a gag that got stuck to the bottom of the wastebasket under the liner and was only discovered now. A fitting end for a truly terrible and extremely stupid arc. Why even have long-running gags if you’re not even going to try to make them funny? “Wide asleep” sounds like something a roundtable of seven year-olds might come up with during a giggle fit after a few swigs of Mountain Dew. Just mind-bogglingly terrible. I don’t know how cashing checks for “writing jokes” this awful is even possible (or legal). Just remember this abomination the next time you’re reading one of those puff-piece interviews in “Parade” or the Plains Dealer regarding that Pulitzer nomination.

Special thanks to TFH and the rest of the SoSF staff for their tips, support and of course the opportunity to guest host the WWW’s premier FW snark blog, bar none. And special thanks to you, the snark brigade, who never fail to find the humor in these daily turds. Sometimes trying to find anything remotely “funny” about this strip is like trying to start a fire in a monsoon with some soggy matches and wet paper towels. I don’t know how TFH has done it for all those years, after that band camp thing and this football crap I’m just about ready to reach for the vodka and Xanax. Anyone can riff on Les talking to his dead wife’s ghost, but it takes a special sort of snarker to tackle, say, “Funky names his car”, for example. Excuse me, as I must now go and hit myself in the head with a brick until I purge the last two weeks of this strip from (what’s left of) my brain.

Until next time….stay Funky!

ESP…(ZZZZZZZZ)

Link to today’s strip

It took me a second to decipher this one, then I rued losing the precious second of my ever-shortening life I just foolishly wasted on that truly idiotic joke. The Scapegoats are so woefully uneducated and stupid that they fail to realize their coach is a brainless buffoon, instead choosing to believe that perhaps the other team is using “extra-sensory” powers to discern the Goats “game plan”, as it were. As if Coach Bushka’s “game plan” involved anything more than frustrated eye-rolling and exasperated put-downs. And pizza…lots and lots of pizza. But you already knew that last part, amirite?

Sticking with that theme, perhaps the Goats are just not properly motivated Westviewian-style. Maybe during their next game he could have an (unpaid) assistant stand in the end zone with a Montoni’s pie and a stack of old comic books from the pre-WWII era. I’d bet you that would light a fire under Bull’s pathetic squad, right?

Déjà Phew All Over Again

Link to today’s strip

If there’s one thing about the fairer gender that I’ve learned from FW, it’s that you gals just cannot resist those quarterbacks. Am I right, Lisa? Anyhow, this is just yesterday’s dumb “punchline” recycled and tweaked a bit, a sterling example of that legendary Batiukian laziness at work once again. If I was him I’d just take the week off and use last year’s football strips over again. It isn’t as if anyone would notice.

I do like the shocked expressions on the cheerleader’s faces though, like they just can’t believe that their obese, skeevy gym coach would even dare to go there. I guess the point here is that it isn’t Bull’s ineptitude that’s killing the football program. No, it’s the treachery and cowardice of the students that’s the problem and it’s so out of hand that the cheerleaders need to be reminded to refrain from throwing themselves at the team’s opponents. It all makes sense now…it’s those damned kids, with the chullos and the tweets and those f*cking plastic bottles.