Moronic, Actually

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Ewwww…what the F*CK is he DOING to that pizza in panel three? Watching that bulbous-snouted imbecile sucking his pizza cheese like it’s a strand of spaghetti is probably the single most repugnant thing I’ve ever seen…not just in FW but ever. I’ve witnessed fatal car wrecks that were less repellent than this. Ditto Mindy’s giraffe neck in panel two, if these two morons ever breed every circus freak show in mid-central Ohio will be banging down their door.

“Yeah baby, I’m considering ditching my wildly successful screenwriting career to write comic books again.”

(Swoon)”Oh…PETE…take me, you courageous manly beast!”

Batiuk is giving us WAY too much psychological insight here…WAY WAY too much. This is obviously the fevered nostalgia-addled fantasy of a very sick man. I’d say that perhaps an intervention is called for here, but first you’d have to find half a dozen people who give a shit and as we all know that’s just not happening.

Brother Popcorn

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At least we weren’t forced to endure watching these two imbeciles interacting with the ticket person, as he’s thoughtfully skipped ahead to the popcorn purchase. Who on God’s green earth would dare to eat ANYTHING from that crappy old movie house? I remember when “The Valentine” was a “last chance” dump that only showed films no one in their right mind would pay to see, but now suddenly it’s a bustling local theater with a functioning snack bar and everything. Good for the f*cking Valentine. I have never yearned to see a building leveled by falling space junk more than I do right now.

Pete “thoughtfully” remembered how she likes her popcorn…whoop-dee-damn-do. It’d be one thing if she always ordered it with saffron and shaved truffles, but it’s salt and butter…as if there’s any other kind. Pete gives off an air of sexual desperation that’s palpable, unless of course you reside in this bizarre soul-deadening part of Ohio, that is.

 

Cross Purposes

You’ve Been Warned

This is as bad as FW gets. Wry “flirtatious” banter, uncontrollable smirking AND that shitty old broken down movie house, all seemingly designed and engineered to disrupt and irritate the human digestive system in a whole host of nauseating ways. It’s just repugnant. The jerk drives to Ohio all the way from Hollywood and the best “date” idea he can muster is to drag her off to that stinky old movie house…where she works, no less. Let me tell you this: if they go to see some decrepit old 1950s serial comic book flick I WILL burn mid-central Ohio to the ground.

I really hate how all FW “flirting” ALWAYS involves this sort of cynical disingenuous banter, like they’re locked into some deranged “battle of the sexes” contest to see who can be the most wry. Everyone’s a sarcastic smirking dick and apparently it’s supposed to be cute and adorable but all it ever does is enrage me. “Free passes”…come on, what could it possibly cost to see a movie in that dilapidated old dump, four or five bucks max? Pete just wrote a gigantic Hollywood summer blockbuster and he can’t break a twenty taking his dream girl to the movies…and she LIKES IT! In my opinion BatNom really needs to get out more…or maybe stay in more, I don’t know.

Schlock And Roll

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Vomit, barf, retch, yuck. The single most nauseating FW strip of all time this arc. Not only do we STILL not know whether they’re accepting the Atomic Comics gig, but now, EIGHT WEEKS into this thing, we’re suddenly forced to endure this idiotic “romance” and Pete’s bizarre (and extremely disturbing) facial contortions too. I mean seriously, what the hell is he supposed to be doing there in panel three, impressing her with his terrific Bell’s Palsy impersonation?

It’s almost difficult to believe how he’s suddenly turned the entire strip over to these two horrid, boring and loathsome characters. Pete and Boy Lisa don’t merit eight weeks a decade, much less eight weeks in a row. It’s tough to remember an arc this long where so little has happened. I mean of course there are probably several thousand arcs that fit that description but I can’t remember any of them right now.

If I Should Die Before I Wake

Glad Easter tidings, everyone! For the most part, Sunday-only newspaper subscribers who read Funky Winkerbean have been missing out on the Atomic Comics saga. In the month just ended, instead of advancing the Pete and Darin arc, Sunday strips have alternated between out-of-season football gags and one-offs involving the aging titular character. Whom we visit again today in what will either turn out to be one of TB’s red herrings (it really is “just heartburn”) or the beginning of the Very Specialest Very Special Funky Winkerbean Arc Ever. Don’t forget, Batiuk’s killed off a title character once before, though John Darling wasn’t the cash cow that Funky has turned out to be over forty plus years.