“Mommy? Why is Funky so sad? And why is he dressed like that?”. The ol’ mistaken identity gag, of course. They all look alike to those mean mustachioed ICE agents, amirite? Man alive, this thing is a f*cking trudge, yet another strip where all relevant information could have fit in one panel thus moving the story three times faster. Which would still be achingly slow, mind you, but three times faster is three times faster.
Tag: Adeela
Like A Shit Brickhouse
The thing finally happened, on a Sunday no less, which of course means it’ll happen again tomorrow. Perhaps they could deport Adeela to a city in dire need of architects, as the idea that this self-made immigrant is somehow supporting herself by being fifth in command at a failing local pizzeria gets dumber every time I ponder it, which is rarely.
I think the arc should just end right here. Adeela just disappears and is never heard from or mentioned by name again. Then in a few years Wally could do something stupid and quote her out of context with that annoying snide-yet-dunderheaded look on his dumb face.
“My old Muslim friend whose name escapes me always used to say that mozzarella is the saffron of the common folk.”
“Wow, your Muslim friend must have really been quite a character!”
“She was, Rachel, she was!”
I mean who would even care? Maybe forty people in the world even know who the hell Adeela is and if you were to poll those forty people and ask them they would unanimously not give a shit. She’d be like the Russian in “The Sopranos” or Becky’s mom, an enduring mystery for die-hard fans (chortle) to forever ponder.
You Should Never Have Opened That Door
And today the pace hits absolute zero. Something HAS to “happen” now, as we’re at peak entropy (Batiuktropy). The laws of comic strip physics simply will not allow BatTrudge to drag this scenario out any further.
Coming tomorrow: a rare Sunday single panel strip featuring an Adeela silhouette saying “hello?”.
Monday: “Hello?”
Tuesday: “Hmmm. There doesn’t seem to be anyone here. It’s dark and scary. I will proceed further.”
Wednesday: ICE agent silently watches.
Thursday: ICE agent: “Hold tight, team, she’s almost….”.
Friday: “HOLD IT RIGHT THERE SCUMBAG!”
Saturday: shocked Adeela.
Sunday: “What is this that is happening to me?”
Prove me wrong, Mr. Pulitzer Nominee sir, prove me wrong.
The Night The Lights Went Out In Westview
It’s like that scene in “Goodfellas” near the end where Jimmy tries to lure Karen into a shady storefront under the pretense of giving her boosted clothes so he can presumably kill her. Only way dumber and with terrible dialog. And pizza. I mean didn’t Adeela grow up in the most dangerous country in the world? Surely she’s not dumb enough to fall for THIS old gag…is she?
And why do the cops need to set up this elaborate ruse to ensnare Adeela in the first place? Couldn’t they have just raided Montoni’s, busted the place up, tased her and dragged her away? I mean look at her, she’s pretty much a female Funky in a hijab, it’s not like she’s going to run away or get very far if she does. But here they are, setting up a whole pizza sting operation, complete with tails and fake storefronts. What was the plan if Cory or Our Other Delivery Guy showed up? The plot holes are more like gaping plot maws now, creating their own inexorable story-sucking gravity and swallowing all common sense and plausibility.
Suspense…(sigh)…Builds
Good Lord. No one else tells stories like this. No one else has ever even considered it, in fact. He telegraphs exactly what’s going to happen days in advance then takes for-f*cking-ever to get there. If she just says “hmmm, looks empty, I’d better call them” in the first panel the story is suddenly going three times faster. But our pal BatHak simply doesn’t do things that way. If he ever made a movie it’d be thirty hours long AFTER editing.
And it’s not like we’re gaining any insight about the character here, as she’s just thinking out loud for some reason. Those word balloons really should be thought bubbles.
Son of Stuck Funky 
