Batiukmobile® – Page 10 – Son of Stuck Funky

Meet Cindy Sparks

This one took a few seconds longer than usual to parse thanks to the incredibly clunky dialog. When these two fools start with the Westviewian banter it’s like trying to roll a dumpster up a flight of stairs. I concluded that Cindy must mean that if Mason has too much “chemistry” with whatever shameless harlot he’s working with she will make his life a vicious living hell when he gets home. Sounds about right. Describing Cindy and Mason’s marriage as “highly reductive” is being way too kind. And she’s supposedly the mature one.

“Are you OK with them looking to see who has good chemistry with Mason?”…wow. Maybe it’s grammatically correct but if it is it shouldn’t be. “Sure, because I can still make sparks happen when he gets back from the lab”…did I read this wrong? Is she talking about sex here? These two sentences should be in textbooks. Chapter Ten: Not So Good, This Is.

Coming next week: Les is mildly surprised to learn that Cindy carved “Mason + Cindy 4 Eva” into Mason’s chest with a Swiss Army knife corkscrew while he slept. No one else is.

Doo Diligence

Link To Today’s Strip

So Mason is insisting on holding a phony casting call just to assure Les that he’s putting every available resource into finding the perfect Lisa, even though he’s already decided who’ll play her? So they’re going to waste thousands of dollars and everyone’s valuable time just to put the smug bearded dick with ears at ease? BatHam’s insane “inside Hollywood” fantasies are spiraling out of control again. This is the most laughable cancer movie premise yet and they haven’t even settled on the cast yet. For anyone else setting your story on the set of a Hollywood movie would have all sorts of potential, but just like with Starbuck Jones he instead opts to focus on the most mundane aspects, like picking up a guy who’ll be sitting in during casting. Yet another fanciful sub-universe full of lore, characters and lingo where absolutely nothing ever happens. Sigh.

Why is Cindy always chauffeuring Les around? Isn’t she some sort of newscaster? It always amazes me how everyone in the Funkyverse always seems to have nothing better to do at any given moment. “The same driver”…he mentioned another arc, albeit a way more recent one this time. He’s suddenly doing that all the time and I find it kind of unnerving.

People are Strange

Link to today’s strip.

Well, Mason, if you didn’t want to freak Les out, maybe you should have been a little more subtle…you know, less following Les around in your little black car, less parking right across from their house–you know, that sort of thing.

Or, as all of us have been screaming for days now, maybe you could have realized that memorizing an idiot’s driving patterns isn’t going to help you in a drama about a man suffering because his wife is dying. Has Mason always been this stupid? I know, I know, to ask is to answer.

Cayla’s remark to the contrary, it would have been nice if Mason had made Les and Cayla act “weird or strange.” They’ve been just as boring as they always were, and always will be. I would have settled for “interesting,” too, but that ship has sailed.

Flooding the Head

Link to today’s strip.

Not much that I can say about this one…we all figured it out, thanks to Charles. Seriously, it’s the most idiotic development I can imagine. In order to portray a husband devastated by his wife’s terminal cancer, Mason has to memorize traffic patterns and driving habits. It’s a whole new level of stupid, something this strip can, perhaps, take pride in at last (“I had the dumbest development ever! Give me prizes!”)

I’m reminded of the (perhaps apocryphal) story about the film “Marathon Man.” Dustin Hoffman went to extraordinary lengths to portray his character (which was far more interesting than Les), and Lawrence Olivier said, “My dear boy, why don’t you try acting?”

My dear Batiuk, why don’t you try writing?

Charles in Charge

Link to today’s strip.

Yes, our very own Charles called it. Congratulations, sir, you may pick up your prize at the ticket window.

I’ve never read it, and have no intention to do so, but my impression of “Lisa’s Story” is that it is (and I’m being generous I know) a story about a young couple, and how they cope with the knowledge that one of them will be dead soon.

Of course, I’m sure the actual book is all about Les, his feelings, his sufferings, how could the universe do this to him, and how will he mope, etc etc. Even so, I imagine that there isn’t anything in the book about how Les drives to work. The route he takes, the little quirks in his driving habits, how long he takes, what he listens to on the radio (“I need to know that for the movie’s soundtrack album!”).

Tom Batiuk seems to think everyone is as obsessed with trivia as he is. Fun fact: no one is. If this is seriously how Mason researches a role, how the hell did he play Starbuck Jones without traveling into space?

Look how manfully Les tears open the door. Almost as if he knew there’d be a “friendly” inside. Just imagine anyone else on the other side of that door, and Les would be getting the well-deserved (and long overdue) beating of his life. Which would be much more satisfying than anything this strip is capable of offering.