A Brief History Of Banality

Link to today’s stupidity

“Hello, Mason? You’ll never believe this, but I was just talking to my younger self! No, I’m not drunk, they had a time pool in Crazy’s locker and…hello? Mason?”

The Browns gag isn’t that bad but otherwise yikes, this is some of the worst dialog I’ve ever seen in FW, which isn’t saying much as I make that statement at least twice a week. It’s almost as if Batom dreamed up the premise, then kicked back with a non-alcoholic craft brew, then suddenly realized that “hey, I still need a story here!”. Then he threw together whatever came to mind first. Cell phones, Facebook, massive weight gain…yup,that covers the last thirty seven years all right. Sigh. Too bad they don’t award Pultizers for premises that never go anywhere, otherwise TB would be at Home Depot every weekend buying new shelving.

I would figure that Mary Sue might be a little more surprised to be speaking to Lisa, especially given that she just put together the memorial board (featuring Lisa) a few weeks ago. But instead she’s chatting with her about cell phones as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to be talking to a young version of a woman who died eighteen years ago. Fat, stupid AND boring…boy, Batiuk REALLY has it in for those “popular girls” from high school, eh?

And speaking of Lisa, it’s absolutely flabbergasting that no one seems shocked, amazed or horrified that the most noteworthy dead Westviewian is suddenly dorking up the gym with her banal utterances. Perhaps they’re just so familiar with Ghost Lisa that it doesn’t merit more than a “meh” anymore. I know how THAT is. And sorry there Retcon Boy, but Lisa was never an “original” part of the WHS “gang”, nice try though.

Anyway, stay tuned as the always snarktastic Oddnoc bravely throws himself on next’s week’s grenade! Band boxes? Bedside Manor? Dead characters suddenly springing back to life? Find out with the rest of us on Monday night! Until next time…stay Funky!

Smells Like Teen Idiocy

Link To Today’s Contrivance

“Wow! Banner making and hanging technology hasn’t changed at ALL!!!!”.

Uh, excuse me there Mr. Batiuk sir, but where did Holly go? And I don’t quite know how to tell you this, but Lisa is F*CKING DEAD in 2015, which may explain why she’s so cold all the time. Now I’m only speaking for myself here, but I’d probably visit a future Super Bowl or Kentucky Derby, or perhaps I’d visit Manhattan to see what real estate became the most valuable. Not these morons though, no sir. The only real surprise here is that they didn’t end up in that shitty pizza place instead.

I guess this marks the official end of Batiuk’s “1/4 inch from reality” period. Let’s take a moment to remember that glorious era…OK, done. I wonder if anyone’s going to tell Lisa, you know? Talk about awkward. When she sees the “in memoriam” board will she instantly turn to dust or something? Or are we pretending THAT whole thing never happened too?

Through The Boredom Of Future Past

Link To Today’s Thing

The artwork is just awesome today. I like how everything is just blackness, it reflects the content of the author’s mind so effectively. Is this a record for “most individual word balloons in a single-panel FW strip”? If not, please do NOT show me the current record holder.

If Harry hasn’t tried out the time pool how does he know it works? Why is Lisa all hunched over like she’s freezing cold? If I were her I’d get that checked out. Twice. Why does she want to visit 1990? Isn’t that just a tad unambitious of her? Why does Holly assume they’ll all be “long gone” by 2015? Ooops, yeah that’s right, I almost forgot. And isn’t it really 2025 in the Funkyverse? Or are we now officially ignoring the infamous “time jump”? Then there’s the biggest question of them all…are they EVER going to actually do this thing or will they spend another week talking about it instead? Talk about plodding.

And I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Dick Face’s annoying propensity for bringing everyone and everything down. Even then he was such a dick. The guy discovers a time pool and he’s already finding ways for it to fail. He’s nothing if not consistent. Truly a dick for the ages, a timeless asshole whose annoyingness spans decades.

Past Dense

Link To Today’s Thing

Even time travel is a snore in the Funkyverse. Crazy discovers a time portal and the only thing that comes to mind is to invite his dimwitted pals to gawk at it. Then they make inane stupid “observations” in a way that suggests they’re not all that impressed. Totally Batiukian. Maybe they could travel back to 1972 or whatever and convince Batom to get himself a nice accounting degree or something.

God, is Lisa irritating or what? Why is she even there? I don’t think she even attended WHS in the first place. And I’m sorry, but retcon photo album corners go with sepia-tone, otherwise it’s totally inappropriate. And why is Crazy the only one that remembers any of this? Sigh. I hope they eventually jump into this thing, as right now it appears they’ll be talking about it for a week and a half.

The Dud Pool

Link To Today’s Strip

No worries there Bull, as it’s a safe bet that you won’t be finding any jokes around here. TFH has helpfully informed me that this “time pool” idiocy has something to do with (surprise) comic books, which (surprise) instantly caused my eyes to glaze over as usual. In case you’re newer around here, that’s Funky, Holly, Crazy, Lisa, DickFace, Cindy and Bull. You see, back “in the day” Crazy had a magical locker that opened up into a far-out stoner hangout room where he listened to pizzas on his turntable, played air guitar and apparently lived. No, I’m serious. It might have been helpful to take a day to explain this to newer FW readers. Ha, just kidding, as there are no newer FW readers.

Anyhow, as usual BanTom retcons the past all wrong, as Bull and Cindy never hung out with drips like Les and Lisa. In fact, I don’t remember Lisa EVER hanging with the gang in Act I, unless her water was breaking or whatever. Holly (sigh) did however always wear that dopey outfit, so that’s accurate at least.

Retcon Lisa is just as grating as she’s ever been, dropping a “topical” reference where she refers to Carl Sagan’s old PBS show that was all the rage back when she was alive and still childless. She was way uglier than that back then too. I prefer her dead anyhow, so maybe I’m biased. Perhaps we’ll get to capture a glimpse of what FW might have been like if TB had allowed her to survive. My guess is that it would have been just as boring, but with Lisa.