Chester the Chiseler – Page 11

The Defender: Rebirth

Like many a random female comic character of the 80’s and 90’s, I am pulling on the discarded mantle of a now-gone vigilante to assume his identity for political justice! So watch in amazement as slip on my Mask of Internet Anonimity and take of the Cloak of The Devil’s Advocate. I ascend the rickety soapbox and become…. THE DEFENDER!

I went on an hours long Funky binge today, reading the entire Holly collects Starbucks series again. Because I was completely ready to lambaste this strip, and accuse Batiuk of all kinds of fussy comic book hang-ups. But I suddenly had an epiphany, like a lighting strike! (Into photo-developing chemicals!) And suddenly I could see. We are reading the meaning of Chester the Chiseler wrong.

The rich, obsessive, fanatical, Chester is prancing around like a grade A WWE heel, begging for our boos. And we’ve been booing. But we’ve also been accusing Batty of throwing a temper tantrum and making Chester a strawman of people who are ‘Bad Collectors’ who ‘love comics wrong.’

We’ve been wrong. Chester isn’t bad because Tom Batiuk thinks there is only one way to love comics right. Chester is bad because CHESTER thinks there is only one way to love comics right.

I’ve got more than a couple long boxes hiding in my apartment. I know firsthand how weird comics collectors can be, and Tom knows it too. There’s a mix of comic nerds and non-nerds in the Funkyverse, and Batiuk has made jokes on both sides of the ‘aisle’ so-to-speak without making anyone ‘the bad guy.’ Sweet pleasant little old ladies wandered into Komix Korner on Black Friday and didn’t think it was a real store. And Holly was teased for not knowing what ‘Slabbed’ means.

Most of Chester the Chiselers traits have been displayed by sympathetic characters previously. So those aren’t WHY Chester is ‘bad.’

Mason is rich; he’s not pilloried. Crazy Harry was flat out ‘Crazy’ about his collection he had to sell, and had grouped every book with awful acronyms. He also apparently was willing to spend college savings levels of money to complete his collection of Tarzan. Chullo boy swore on a ‘slabbed copy of Amazing Fantasy;’ so nothing against comic books being sealed away to preserve them. Pete had a hoard so big he had a street sale before moving. Darin bought a life-size Cosmic Treadmill. DSH John gave Holly bargaining advice before she went to buy a comic from Nick the Geek. Holly went absolutely CRAZY CUTTHROAT during an E-bay sale.

But Chester is a SNOB. Chester judges other nerds by what they like, and how they like it. Chester talks down facets of nerdom he thinks beneath him. Chester thinks that his collection makes him awesome and powerful. That it gives him authority to dictate comics dogma. That pointing out nerdy flaws at other nerds makes him THE ONLY TRUE NERD KING. He is a terrible person, who just happens to love comic books. If he didn’t love comics, he would still be a jerk. It’s his interactions with other people, not his interactions with comic books, that make him a villain.

Chester sees John’s wall of questionable loli manga, and back issues of Sonic Adventures…and he is not impressed.

Disagree? Please let me know! I wanna hear your analysis!

Tomorrow we return to your regularly scheduled snarky nitpicking. Defender out!

0.5 POOR (PR)

Today’s Strip

Batuik, you can’t have it both ways. Chester Hagglemore already came to Westview for the FunkyDick crossover comics auction. And DSH John pointed him out to Dick Tracy there by sight. Then he screamed down John’s fifty dollar bid with fifty thousand. Your reputation can’t proceed you to someplace you’ve already been to someone you’ve already met.

Also, while paying absolutely whatever it takes could be annoying to a person in a comic book bidding war with Mr. Chiseler, it’s pretty great for anyone SELLING them. His rep as a comic collector would be acidsniffingamazeballs for vendors in the komix biz. John and Harry should be slipping around the shop with a red pen, surreptitiously marking up prices. A rich nutter guy willing to outbid anyone anything anywhere anytime really shouldn’t be called Hagglemore.

Lets call him Chester Seemore instead. Since he apparently climbed a completely pitch black stairwell with no trouble at all. Seriously John, Harry…do you even WANT customers?

Krime Scene.

Today’s comic.

Redsnifit had this case half solved yesterday.

“The positioning of the lock knob suggests that the doors are hinged at the back, meaning the car is either very old (’60s or ’70s era) or a very expensive luxury car. The iPad holder appears to be sitting in the back, which suggests he has a driver. My guess is he’s a rich nerd who’s going to enable Pete’s lifestyle for the next few years.”

And the premier rich nerd of the Funkyverse is, of course, Chester the Chiseler.

However, no one could have predicted the vehicular carnage laid before us in panel one today. That swanky luxury car has either been curb-checked all the way up the light pole in front of it or, given how high the driver’s side front tire is, Chester’s chauffeur has parked atop a pedestrian.

I must applaud Batiuk for tackling the dangerous epidemic of fashion-frenzied limo services pairing sunglasses with darkly tinted windshields. Truly a sensitive treatment of important social and educational issues.

But our chauffeur has wisely worn gloves. No fingerprint as he disposes of the underclass wedged in the undercarriage.

And Chester is wearing a bolo tie. Really classing it up Hagglemore. Bravo.

Like No One Ever Was.

Link to today’s strip

Happy Friday Everyone!

You all can dissect this reveal at your leisure. The Cookie Monster bought all the cookies at the Sesame Street Bake Sale and we’re supposed to be surprised. I have no other comment on it.

Mostly I have questions for any artists we have out there.

When do you think was the last time Jess ate? Darrin’s huge sausage fingers are about to crush her rail thin spine.

Darrin’s nose has gotten flatter and flatter as the auction has progressed, almost as if the underlying bone was eroding away. Is the artist trying to indicate he has syphilis?

How long was that auction? Darrin has some pretty serious bags under his eyes.

Are Ghost Lisa and Ghost Phil gonna ghost bang or what?

What is that weird black thing in the bottom right corner of the second panel? Is it a speaker? Is it a top hat? Is it a weird failed perspective shot of the seat of the chair he’s just leapt up from? Whatever it is, why does it appear to be joining Maniac Grabby Hands Dr. Phil in shouting at the ceiling?

Why is Chester’s shadow red, when the floor is beige? Did the colorist think it was a red carpet that The Chiseler rolls out behind him wherever he goes like in Guardians of the Galaxy 2? Or is it a pool of blood from the victims he viciously clawed to death to keep them from bidding up the covers? And if that’s the case, why doesn’t he have gore all over his hands? Censorship?

And finally, please please please, for the love of Dead St. Lisa, can someone Photoshop some Pokéballs into Chester the Chiseler’s hands?

Pokémon League Expo hat is optional.

The Pit of Man’s Fears

Link to today’s strip.

I like things like photography, horror movies and cats, but those likings are not deep, obsessive interests–the kind that I talk about all the time, or am constantly steering the conversation toward–so this whole week has left me a little baffled. I’m trying to imagine a child of mine coming up to me, showing me the engagement ring he’s bought, and my response is something like–

“Wow, cool! Did you meet her through a camera club? What kind of camera does she own, and what kind of pictures does she like to take? Is she a Nikon or a Canon person? How many pictures of cats has she taken?”

I’d be much more interested in what she’s like, how they met, are you sure about this, are you prepared to start a family, when can I meet her–all without throwing in anything about cameras or cats. And adding my sincere congratulations and wishes for happiness. That’s generally how these things work.

Not Holly. All she can talk about are comic books, comic books, comic books. As I said earlier, she has a mild interest in her son’s future, but it’s nothing to the torch she carries for comic books. That doesn’t seem very healthy to me. After having comic books relentlessly thrown in my face by this strip, I will reluctantly concede that it’s fine to have an interest in them, but unless you’re connected to the industry, a 24/7 love-fest is not a life. Fat, drunk, and comic-book-obsessed is no way to go through life, son (if I may borrow a quote).

I’m guessing that Chester’s geyser of ecstasy is supposed to make him look ridiculous, but it comes across a bit hypocritical given the fury Holly displayed earlier–and her lackadaisical response to an upcoming massive change in Cory’s life. Yeah, that Chester sure looks silly, Mr. Batiuk, but…physician, heal thyself.

Here’s a picture of my cat. I took it with a Nikon after watching a horror DVD. See, two can play that game.