Cindy – Page 34 – Son of Stuck Funky

Blathering Heights

Huh? Cliff was in prison? What was he convicted of, impersonating an interesting comic strip character? Comic book theft? Counterfeiting pizzas? Violating the super-strict NYC lampshade statutes? And no one knew anything about this until right now? Well, that’s just fascinating and by “fascinating” I of course mean “duh”. I can’t wait to see where this latest twist takes us and of course by that I mean “please kill me now”.

So Cindy is only finding out about Cliff’s prison past right now? There’s no documentarian like a Westviewian documentarian, like no documentarian I know as a matter of fact. Once her crack team figures out The Google thing this project is really going to take off, mark my words. And correct me if I’m mistaken here but wasn’t Vera supposed to be “long lost” when they dredged her up to appear at Starbuck-Con? So she was long lost AND ardently following Anger’s life at the same time? Hey, it’s the Batiukverse…why the hell not?

Takes One To Blow One

Link to today’s strip

“Lampshades Askew – The Cliff Anger Story”

I’m looking forward to the part where Cliff explains what he was doing for those sixty years between film gigs. Should be some compelling stuff there. She’ll no doubt have minutes of footage to sift through. It’ll be the first documentary film ever where they ADD stuff from the cutting room floor.

“Food, dope, hookers…you can get anything delivered in Manhattan but just try to find a lampshade de-skewerer that speaks f*cking English in that town, consarnit! No one knows the shame I’ve had to endure (beings weeping). Uneven shadows, difficulty reading properly…so many wasted decades….damn that Nixon for de-regulating the lampshade de-skewering industry back in ’73!”

BanTom is really going all out to very, very slowly and painstakingly set the stage here, or as we call it, “killing as much time as humanly possible to avoid having to exert any effort at all or create a story anyone would actually want to read”. I’ve seen enough wry Mason/Cindy banter for ten lifetimes, just get to the f*cking fireworks factory already, dammit. And what the hell is the deal with this f*cking movie? What is it, “9 1/2 Weeks In Space” or something? It’s more like “9 1/2 Years”, amirite?

Cut The Cheese

Link to today’s strip.

You know how this could be funny? If it showed three or four kissing takes, each one of them interrupted by Cindy, despite repeated promises that she would behave next time. The director would get madder and madder, and Mason would have to calm him down, “Give her another chance, Mr. Popsicle!” Admittedly, not a laff-riot, but amusing, and driven by the character, instead of the necessity of “running out the clock.”

I guess I’m really saying that this could have been funny, in the hands of a different cartoonist. As it is, it’s about as boring as this thing gets. We get it–Cindy is a neurotic mass of fears, jealousies and insecurities. She also lacks any sort of self-awareness and is incapable of restraint. None of this makes her funny. Now, she’d be perfect in a certain type of comedy (the Three Stooges comes to mind), or as the kind of woman that a guy has to escape from, but each time she keeps turning up (Carrie Fisher in “The Blues Brothers,” e.g.).

Her character also keeps this from being poignant. Cindy is well aware that Mason’s career depends on getting roles, and he’s the perfect type for “romantic lead.” Which would mean a lot of kissing, and perhaps some bedroom scenes. Cindy ought to recognize that a) it’s good if he keeps getting work, and b) it’s all make-believe.

That second part is really crucial; it’s something she should keep in the forefront of her thoughts all the time. Which wouldn’t be a problem if she had some other way to fill her time. Doesn’t she have a job? Shouldn’t she be putting her energies into that, instead of blitzing-out every time she thinks that someone attractive is a threat to her? As it is, I can’t help feeling Mason is going to wise up some day, and think, “You know, she really is crazy. Time for goodbyes. Where’s that old kevlar vest I used to have?”

Speaking of goodbyes, this is the end of my current stint. Please give a warm SOSF welcome to your new host, Epicus Doomus!

Frankie Goes to Hollywood

Link to today’s strip.

Yeah, I know, Frankie’s been there for several weeks, but how could I resist that title?

There’s a marked difference in tone when Tom Batiuk loves a character (Les), hates a character (Bull et al) and when he doesn’t give a damn about a character (a lot of them).

Mason seems to fall into this third category; once Batiuk got the pun through, he really seemed to lose interest in Mason. Oh sure, he’s a nice guy, well off, generous to a fault (or a Darrin), a bit dim, very good at calming Cindy’s many fears…other than that, he’s a paper towel. He’s there to get the job done and that’s it.

Cindy seems to be somewhere in the half-world between hatred and indifference. On the one hand, she’s a mass of neuroses which need constant tending; she’s rude to every female she meets; and she gave up on Funky. On the other, she’s been given a guy who goes out of his way to help her feel good about herself. The only other person who has had such a devoted mate was…Les Moore. It may be that now she’s “old” and feels terrible about her condition, she’ll be allowed some relief.

Though I would have said that about Bull up until last week. He was actively trying to cut down on bullying in the school, wanting to atone for what he’d done as a student. And then he got handed his ass. That still seems like the cruelest blow ever struck by this strip (though BillyTheSkink’s rundown of Coach Stropp’s last days seems definitely worse).

I guess in Tom Batiuk’s mind, Bull was turning out to be an “okay” person, a candidate for possible redemption, until Tom Batiuk happened to thumb through one of the high school yearbooks that he keeps close at hand, and noted that the guy who bullied him in school was named “Jerome,” and then something snapped.

And now, taking up the entire stage right, we have Frankie. This is not my favorite drawing of Frankie. This–

–is my favorite drawing of Frankie. Look at that openly happy and joyous expression! There’s a man about to explode with happiness–or a man surgically altered for transfer to the “Popeye” comic strip. He’s also hiding a turkey baster in his shirt, which shows preparedness! Unless that’s Kuato waking up.

Despite his status as a villain, Frankie is another character that Tom Batiuk seems to have no idea what to do with. (Sorry about the grammar, there.) It’s clear that Batiuk wants a villain (not recognizing that Les Moore fits that role to a T), but it’s also clear that he doesn’t want a real villain–someone that could only be defeated through cleverness and *cough* work. Hence, Frankie is always portrayed as somewhat hapless and unprepared, and his schemes (such as they are) are so blatantly stupid that even a half-wit like Darrin doesn’t fall for them. With a spot of cleverness, Frankie’s schemes could probably work; all he needs to do is disguise his intent somewhat and the Westview morons would fall into line. Unfortunately, that “spot of cleverness” will always be lacking. Because there can only be one “smart” person in the comic strip. And anything that takes away from Les Moore’s lustre is not to be permitted.

So…any guesses as to the form his latest scheme will take? A headline like “Elder Stars of ‘Starbuck Jones’ in Torrid Affair!” seems likely. Of course, “Elder Stars of ‘Starbuck Jones’ Enjoy Ice Cream!” is also a good guess. Remember, this is Frankie we’re dealing with.

Mister-E Man

Link to today’s strip.

So, based on his parking spot, it looks like Mason went ahead and legally changed his name. I guess that nagged at Tom Batiuk from the beginning (as most trivia seems to nag at him) as he realized that “Jarre” looks a lot more natural than “Jarr,” as well as a lot less stupid. The name “Mason Jarre” is plenty stupid on its own, no need to help it along with dumb spelling.

That’s literally all I’ve got for this strip today. The “Screw Bull Over But Good” arc has really drained my ability to make anything out of this crap. If it’s all going to be rewards for Les, vindictiveness for the regulars, and bland filler for the rest, it’s really hard to look for anything when the hated-loved ones aren’t in the strip. We all know an arc with Jarre is going to be filler. We also know there aren’t going to be any “sparks” on set–even the mishap mentioned by Mason is something we weren’t allowed to see (in typical fashion). It’s a lot easier to draw people standing around and talking than it is to show something interesting happening. Not, of course, that there’s ever anything interesting happening in this strip.

By the way, I think I’ve figured out why the shooting schedule is so haphazard for the “Starbuck Jones” thing. They’re not shooting a movie. They’re shooting a television series, despite what Tom Batiuk tells you. (You know you can’t trust him to be honest with you.)

Probably a “SyFy Original Series” given the quality level. Though I think the SyFy channel would balk at “Starbuck Jones.” If you’re at all familiar with what the SyFy channel coughs up, that’s not a good portent for Tom Batiuk’s beloved comic book.