Tag: Les

Stall Tac-Dicks

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Yikes, that awkward hug is possibly the most sickening FW sight in quite some time. Nothing like the bond between a bio-step-father and his bio-step-son, you know? Poor, poor Dick Facey, he’s “kind of stalled” on his latest Lisa book, which helps to explain why he’s the least-prolific “writer” of his generation. Perhaps he could lace Cayla’s lemonade with some polonium to, you know, get the ol’ creative juices flowing. Then again, a Cayla book would be pretty goddamned boring…”Cayla’s Story…Where The Other Shoe Steps”. Because she’s a doormat, you see.

So Les just sits in his garage studio day after day after day doing nothing? What a dick. He could be renting that space out to Westviewians who aren’t quite ready to make the leap to the Montoni’s apartment yet, like maybe Alex and Owen or something.

Mentally Illos

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“Illos”???? At first glance I had absolutely NO IDEA what he was saying there. Boy Lisa is like forty years old, there’s no need for the childish slang. Anyhow, sad-sack Dick Facey is all mopey and despondent because he has YET ANOTHER case of “writer’s block” (or in this case, “writo nogo”) even though he’s writing YET ANOTHER book about Lisa…the only topic he’s written about in decades. At some point perhaps it’d be best if Les just dropped the stupid fantasy about being a writer, as he clearly doesn’t have the aptitude for it. If writing is always such a torturous task maybe he should consider writing about something aside from his dead wife, as obviously the two things have merged into one miserable trope he clearly hates. And everyone else hates it too, thus if he quits everyone wins.

Wrapped In Spastic

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Hur HURRRR hur hur…is there anything more pathetic than Boy Lisa trying to engage in wry wordplay? Because if such a thing exists I definitely don’t want to see it. So, after years and years of filming the SJ movie is “wrapped” but fret not, those of you wondering how this news will affect the twenty-seven SJ-related unresolved subplots. For you see, they’re already filming sequel after sequel, because HOLLYWOOD, amirite? Poor BanTom, always so cynical.

So why is he calling Les? Is it about that stupid graphic novel I was hoping Batiuk forgot about? Did Lisa leave a “So Frankie’s Infiltrated Your Movie Set Via A Phony Food Truck Operation…Vol 1.” VHS tape lying around just in case her bio-son ever became a famous Hollywood storyboarder? Because the SJ production could use one of them right about now, unless BanTom forgot about that one too.

Maybe, but it’ll probably be something so fantastically stupid no one could have possibly predicted it. All we really know for sure is that whatever it is it requires Boy Lisa to be “on hiatus” from the Starbuck Jones production for a while, which could mean anything or nothing at all. Odd that BatNom felt compelled to explain that, though. I really hope this isn’t the launch of a “Lisa’s Story” ten year anniversary arc…I mean I REALLY hope it’s not that. And incidentally, the “LS” ten year anniversary is also the fifth anniversary of when TB stopped relentlessly patting himself on the back for “LS”, interestingly enough.

Meanwhile, Back At The Dick Cave…

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BatNom got me again. Every single time I openly pray for a lengthy FW arc to end, every time I desperately plead for something…ANYTHING…else, he puts the zap on me and delivers a dose of Dick Facey, which always leaves me yearning for more of whatever we just suffered through again. It’s a vicious circle, an endless cycle of tedium. The man certainly has a gift.

Anyhow, the execrable Boy Lisa is on the phone for some ominous reason thus Cayla has to dutifully sleuth about the Dick Cave to ensure she won’t be interrupting The Delicate Genius while he’s penning this year’s paragraph about his dead wife because WE CAN’T HAVE THAT!!!! Why Boy Lisa wants to speak to his bi0-stepfather is beyond me, although that Lisa connection alone gives me plenty of reasons to start “uh-oh”-ing.

Typical Cayla, always on eggshells around Les. It’s kind of telling how she has to trudge outside on another sub-arctic Ohio day to bring the phone to Les, as opposed to Les simply picking up his OWN phone instead. I guess when he retires to “The Genius Works” studio he leaves his phone behind, lest it interferes with whatever weird Lisa-related thing he’s (ewwww) doing in there.

“Honey, if any dear friends or Lisa’s bio-kids call, should I disturb you in your creative sanctuary or leave you alone lest I disrupt the painful creative process?”

“Uh, no, don’t bother me today…I’ve, uh, got some old Lisa tapes I have to, uh, catalog.”

“Oh, OK. But this time could you please close the blinds? Thanks!”

Legacy Of Stupidity

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Or you could return the Lisa’s Legacy money you stole, Corporal. The town is in an advanced state of urban squalor, the high school is barely funded, obese middle-aged people are everywhere…isn’t there ANY other worthwhile cause in that hell-hole? Might I suggest the “Paying For Funky’s Funeral Fund?” or maybe a little something for Cayla after all of Akron attacks and bludgeons that smirking jerk with the annoying headband? Lisa’s legacy has already left enough scars on the FW landscape: that f*cking cancer book, piles and piles of videotapes and journals, Darin, Summer…she’s done quite enough, thank you very much.

My problem with Cory isn’t that the Army turned him into a lean, fit, exceedingly polite young do-gooder, it’s that they turned him into an impossibly bland lean, fit, exceedingly polite young do-gooder. And it all just suddenly happened overnight too and to this point NO ONE has mentioned it even in passing. The surly, misanthropic, sneering young punk of early Act III came home completely transformed to an astonishing degree and it’s attracted no attention whatsoever. You’d think that somebody would say something, right?