Epicus Doomus

No Grit All Quit

The only sadist around here is TheAuthor. He obviously enjoys inflicting punishment on Funky and he was in his glory when he drew this one. Panel two is especially gruesome. I never thought any particular Funky drawing could be any more unflattering than any other one, but I stand corrected. That drawing should come with a parental warning. Look at the size of that one sweat bead too, wow.

It’s starting to become pretty clear why Funky’s various “get in shape” schemes always fail. One, he doesn’t try and quits as soon as it gets difficult and two, he never shuts the f*ck up while he’s supposed to be exercising. Complaints, gloating about “playing tennis”, wry remarks…no wonder he’s always gasping for breath. Keeping his big fat trap shut, that’s his problem.

I like the weird shading on Funky’s disgusting sweaty face though. Do you think they added that in after he drew it or is that just how that particular kind of shading shows up in newsprint form?

The Treadmill To Nowhere

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Obesity, rapid aging, coronary issues, weird skinny legs and crippling malasie…these are “nagging little injuries”, Funky Winkerbean style. That sounds about right. And sorry Fitness Girl, but your “meal ticket” is in fact that pizza place down the road that’s stuffing the local kids full of stale leftover glop before they even get to school in the morning. That’s what the local mortician calls Montoni’s too, by the way.

The joke doesn’t even make sense. Fitness Girl isn’t a doctor or a physical therapist, so how would a rash of tennis-related injuries possibly benefit her? And what the hell is Funky babbling about? Tennis? Oh, that one time many years ago when he stood around a tennis court with Les and complained about something? Come on, be serious.

Dream On, Funk-Man

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Special thanks to the SoSF Staff for the last six weeks of exceptional and hilarious snarking! And as always extra-special thanks to TFH, forever our Grand Exalted Leader!

We often give TB a hard time about the way he skips around all over the place and leaves unresolved story arcs just hanging there for years at a time, but let’s give credit where it’s due today. I was on pins and needles wondering how Lard-Butt was doing at the gym so seeing his fat sweaty shapeless form again is a real relief. Building suspense is all well and good, but when you have “reality-based storytelling” that’s as gripping as this arc is, you don’t want to wait too long between re-visits. Cindy and Cory and Holly and Les and Becky’s mom are just going to have to wait, there’s a Pulitzer (nomination) just waiting to be had here, dammit.

While it’s nice that Funky is setting goals for himself, he might want to set his sights a tad bit lower if you ask me. Perhaps looking AS good as people twice his age would be a better starting point and far more realistic too. “Look better than other people my age”…seriously, Tom? The only FW character in worse shape than Funky is Fred and at least he has an excuse. And Fred at least tries to tell jokes, too. That’s probably the most ludicrous bit of FW dialog in many years, if not ever. If he wrote that masterpiece with a straight face he’s a more stoic man than I, that’s for sure.

In any event, get ready for sweat beads, wry self-deprecating remarks, a possible coronary episode and fat jokes….a lot of fat jokes. And if you’re busy this week and just don’t have the six seconds a day to put into reading the thing, just re-read my last sentence and you’ll be covered, as the likelihood of anything interesting happening this week is almost assuredly zero.

And The Cradle Will Smirk

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BAAHHHH! Oh, don’t mind me, I was just startled by that weird pacifier-sucking baby head floating around in the first panel. Absolutely haunting. As are those snow-covered stairs leading up to that apartment, a real death trap if I’ve ever seen one.

I don’t know about you guys but I never get enough of Boy Lisa MBA cracking wise about the technology these kids today something something what who cares. Oh sorry, I meant to say “Never get. Enough.”, sorry about the mix-up. And that side-smirk Jessica throws him, are women supposed to be smirking like that so soon after giving birth? Or at any other time? And what is that eerie glow in the room? That baby’s head looks strangely translucent today, doesn’t it?

Oh well, it’s been a blast as always but now it’s time to turn things over to the next young firebrand on the SoSF team…the always snark-tastic Beckoning Chasm! Until next time…stay Funky!

Ret-Kahn Time

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I couldn’t resist one last awful Khan pun to close out the week. I guess the retcon panel is supposed to imply that Montoni’s managed to somehow survive in the worst commercial space in the entire world even in spite of the fact that the business was owned and operated by a complete imbecile with extremely low expectations. So as I pointed out yesterday, nothing has really changed in that town regardless of the current state of “the economy”…it’s a huge fail-hole populated by depressing, stupid people is all. Knowing how these people think, they probably rub the burn scars they got from eating “pizza on a stick” fondly while reminiscing about “the old days”.

I’d like to believe that Old Man Montoni would likewise be amazed by how unbelievably narcissistic and self-absorbed these idiots are and that he’d be appalled by how they always make everything about themselves. But he did live there too, so I doubt he’d even notice that anything was amiss with these clowns.