Well, he’s resuming one of FW’s twenty thousand dangling plot threads, so that’s something. Unfortunately, though, it’s this one. Dinkle and his perpetually-ignored wife are traveling to Belgium to cash in big-time on Dinkle’s outrageous WHS band candy scam, but unfortunately for both Harry is a complete imbecile whose devotion to marching bands has left him totally unable to perform simple everyday tasks like a regular person. And because this is FW and he’s dealing with a government agency (at the airport no less), incompetence, annoyances and non-stop hassles are in store for everyone…including FW readers…assuming there are any, of course.
Author: Epicus Doomus
V.P. at SoSF. Does not approve of new WP layout at all.
Chess Flub
Oh, because they both include the word “club”. I get it. I mean hey, I’ll take Bernie over Les, Lisa and Darin any day of the week but still, this is a really weak (and not especially timely) gag.
Speaking of Dick Facey, the header seems to indicate that we’re in for at least a week of more Lisa wallowing, just what absolutely no one was clamoring for. Believe me, I’ll have plenty to say about that, as nothing enrages me more than Batiuk’s pathetic Lisa fetish does. That pic is nauseating beyond words, just like everything else involving BanTom’s imaginary girlfriend. Stay tuned as billytheskink takes over and bravely leads us through Tomban’s latest deranged Lisa fantasy! Stay Funky and keep that barf pail handy!!
makeitstop@dickwithears.com
“After successfully learning to walk, talk and use a spoon, there was only one more young childhood demon for my beloved Lisa to face and slay with her special brand of feminine heroism and courage. On that crisp autumn day, with the dying leaves spiraling to the cold barren earth like so many ugly brown snowflakes, Lisa faced down the latest barrier the cruel universe had placed between her and happiness. In the same stoic unselfish way she’d later use to battle the horrors of cancer, Lisa entered the bathroom as a baby and emerged as a developing young woman. Against all odds she’d done it…she’d successfully gone potty on the toilet like a big girl!
I wasn’t there that day but just thinking about it makes me weep and sob uncontrollably. Why did the universe conspire to take her away from me? Why? WHY??? WHY?!?!?! WHHHHHHHHYYYYYY!!!!!!!!*”
*(I assume every chapter of every Lisa book ends this way)
The fact that his “writing studio” has a computer makes it even funnier how Cayla has to exit the house and visit Les’ creepy workshop to fetch him when one of Lisa’s kids calls. He NEVER would have forced Lisa to do that, in fact he’d have left the studio every five minutes to check on her, which in fairness is somewhat reasonable considering how often she’d get sick or blown up. It’s only a matter of time until that stupid imaginary cat returns to mock Les as he struggles over writing about Lisa’s first day of middle school or that time she skinned her knee. And I guarantee it’ll all be even more downhill from there.
Once Upon A Time In A Funny Page Far Far Away
Once upon a time there was a comic strip. This comic strip centered around daily life at a fictional Ohio high school. It featured a whole cast of zany high school characters, like the nerd, the cool kid, the bully and etc. While it wasn’t the most popular comic strip or anything, most readers found it to be somewhat amusing and perfectly acceptable.
Then the guy who wrote this comic strip got bored and decided to change the tone of the comic strip by centering it around “real life” issues, like the kind you and I face every day. He created a brand new character named Lisa who’d get into all sorts of melodramatic situations all the time. No one really liked this Lisa character but the comic strip writer LOVED her so he plowed ahead undaunted, placing his new character into ever-more implausible situations, like silly superhero weddings and post office terror bombings. The rest of the comic strip followed suit and suddenly ALL the characters were involved in these wild melodramatic situations. Car crashes, illnesses, wars, alcoholism…it was endless.
But it just wasn’t enough for the comic strip writer, so he decided to up the ante and REALLY draw attention to himself by giving the Lisa character cancer. For years and years his readers watched in horror as the Lisa character slowly withered and died in the most drawn-out and agonizing way imaginable. And everyone noticed…briefly…before going back to mostly ignoring the comic strip and the comic strip writer’s daffy antics.
Then after the Lisa character died the comic strip writer didn’t know what to do with himself or his comic strip. So he kept going back to his cancer story, again and again and again and again. The Lisa character appeared as a ghost, her husband began writing a book about her and soon the Lisa character was in the comic strip even more frequently than she was before she died. Everyone became annoyed or just plain bored by the endless contrivances he used to keep featuring the dead Lisa character. It finally reached a point where it became a parody of itself and everyone either started making fun of it or just stopped reading it altogether. The end.
Wow, that was easy. And I’m neither delicate OR a genius. Few things irk me more than LesTom’s incessant whining about the trials and tribulations of being a “writer”, as if either of them would know. No one put a gun to Dick Facey’s head and told him he had to write exclusively about his dead wife just like no one ever forced Batiuk to concoct his dopey little melodramatic piles of crap of in lieu of entertaining people with jokes. If BanTom is really struggling and stressing over “writing” a two week arc about some fat moron going to the DMV perhaps “writing” was a poor career choice. I mean hey, every SoSF guest host (and commenter) manages to find something funny to say about his idiotic comic strip every day and we have way, way less to work with than he does, as he theoretically could write about anything he likes but we’re stuck with FW.
Stall Tac-Dicks
Yikes, that awkward hug is possibly the most sickening FW sight in quite some time. Nothing like the bond between a bio-step-father and his bio-step-son, you know? Poor, poor Dick Facey, he’s “kind of stalled” on his latest Lisa book, which helps to explain why he’s the least-prolific “writer” of his generation. Perhaps he could lace Cayla’s lemonade with some polonium to, you know, get the ol’ creative juices flowing. Then again, a Cayla book would be pretty goddamned boring…”Cayla’s Story…Where The Other Shoe Steps”. Because she’s a doormat, you see.
So Les just sits in his garage studio day after day after day doing nothing? What a dick. He could be renting that space out to Westviewians who aren’t quite ready to make the leap to the Montoni’s apartment yet, like maybe Alex and Owen or something.
Son of Stuck Funky 