Son of Stuck Funky – Page 513 – Son of Stuck Funky

Smearing The Mess

Okay, as I mentioned yesterday I wasn’t in the band in high school. But even in my ignorance, I understand that what Dinkle is saying here is so utterly elementary that he should be scowled off the stage. “Oh, really? I thought I was just supposed to wave my baton around like an addled person. No wonder my Strauss sounds like Stockhausen!”

What’s next? “Those dots on the score, by the way, actually tell you what musical notes should be playing–and in what order they’re to be played!”

If there were a fourth panel, some variation on the above could be used to construct an actual “joke” if it came from an audience member. “Wow, I’m learning so much! Can you tell us which end of the trombone our students should blow in? We can never figure this out!”

That, however, would require that Dinkle be treated with disrespect, and we can’t have that.

Here’s my Tuesday Crankshaft. Enjoy!

Blankshaft

Link to today’s strip. (link corrected)

Greetings, folks, BChasm back in the slammer. Thanks to Epicus for a typically stellar hosting job; now you guys get to have the B team!

As Epicus noted yesterday, Dinkle is my least favorite Funky Winkerbean character. While Les is technically worse, with him, he will occasionally cough up some “writing” and one can see that his talent is as elusive as Funky’s wrecking bar whenever Les comes to visit. He can at least have the word “pathetic” spat at him; he provides all the evidence that makes the word apt.

Dinkle on the other hand is treated like a minor god in the Funkyverse. His every idiotic utterance is greeted as if it’s divine wisdom. And, unlike Les, he is never brought down to earth. Remember when the school computer was going to be a prop in Starbuck Jones, and Les started to bloviate, and Jim Kibblesnbits just shut him down with a “TMI”? That sort of thing should happen to Dinkle all the time, and yet it never does.

In today’s episode, for example, Becky ought to reply, “Wow, where did that boring little nugget come from? Does that rotten old hollow excuse for a brain just fire out this random garbage? I don’t even see a bus around here, so there’s not even a context you’re reacting to. How about shutting up some?”

But no, I’m sure a fourth panel would show her laughing uproariously. Because Dinkle.

I’m also sure the bus driver in the original “anecdote” would have answered something different, like “Strauss, huh? Well, how about that. Why don’t you sit in your seat and be quiet?”

Speaking of Strauss…I know some of the folks here played in the band in high school. Did any of your bands ever play Strauss, or any other waltzes for that matter? I can’t remember. My recollection is that the band tended to play marches and rah-rah-rah music at sporting events, but, like Tom Batiuk, my high school days are long behind me. Unlike him, I’m perfectly happy to keep them there.

PS: I think I’ll apply for a job writing Crankshaft. Here’s a sample of my work!

Wait One Damn Minuet

Link To Today’s

Yes Tom, THESE KIDS TODAY are missing out on passing sections of the Sunday paper back and forth and (zzzzzz). They’re also missing out on gathering around the ol’ wireless and imagining what Amos and Andy really look like too. And NO ONE CARES!

Wow, what a painful two weeks THAT was. Now it’s time for me to pass the baton to Beckoning Chasm and his favorite (guffaw) character…that goddamned annoying old band director guy. Enjoy and as always stay Funky!

Is Hatchet Face A Pre-Existing Condition?

Link To Today’s Hatchet Face Extravaganza

Good God that panel two Cory drawing is just an atrocity. If you showed me that drawing out of context I’d have absolutely no idea who it was supposed to be. He takes the time to shade Funky’s cheeks (because he’s fat and out of shape, you see) then draws a series of hatchet faces that could level a decent size wooded lot in minutes. I mean wow, it’s almost sort of spectacularly over-the-top in its own annoying way. It’s like a stroll through the axe department at Home Depot, except more angular.

So not only is Funky a fat guy in deteriorating health, he’s also surrounded by people who joke about his imminent death right to his face, even as he’s attempting to address his health through exercise. No encouragement, no pats on the back, just cheap mean-spirited gags about life insurance policies and a whole lot of obnoxious smirking. He goes outside and life punches him in the face, then he comes home and the family kicks him while he’s down. He’s a lot like Al Bundy, minus the jokes and the insane lust for revenge. I mean they’re literally goofing on him over the prospect of him not surviving this moronic race they’re forcing him to participate in, it’s sick.

What Are Fiends For?

Link To Today’s Unfunny Episode

Blech, the Corporal looks especially imbecilic today. One has to wonder what he may have been exposed to over there in Afghanistan, although in fairness to the US military and the Afghan people his symptoms look an awful lot like those of a serious pizza and comic book overdose. “I need a fruit cup and a real book…stat! We’re running out of time! OH NO! PATIENT IS SMIRKING!!! WE’RE LOSING HIM!!! CODE DUH….I REPEAT, CODE DUH!!!!!!”.

So Fatso is going to run in some sort of marathon relay race for a charity of Cory’s choosing, which should lead to a lot of wheezing, heart attack symptoms, crushed ankle bones…you know, good ol’ FW style hilarity. And halfway through the race TomBat will suddenly pull another arc switcharoonie and treat us to a week or two worth of Wally getting a new lunch box or Les staring at a tree stump or something else that has nothing to do with anything. Then in August or September we’ll get to see the gang carting Funky home or to the ER with those sub-moronic grins plastered all over their misshapen faces as if something “humorous” has happened. I can (sigh) hardly wait.