Son of Stuck Funky – Page 630 – Son of Stuck Funky

Snore Ensemble

Just a few short years ago, Pa Bean was suffering from dementia so severe he could do little more than mutter incoherently. But now, just completely out of nowhere, he’s a lovable wisecracking old coot who can suddenly read music, play the trombone AND smoke cigarettes (and possibly the funniest character in the strip as well). Once again Batiuk uses “tragedy” to wring out a few dollops of cheap easy pathos, then reverts to his wordplay and pun-filled natural state while ignoring the character history he himself established. He basks in the attention he gets for the subject matter then he abandons it after it’s served its purpose (talking points for boring interviews). What a hack.

We also see another one of his diabolical little “writing” tricks on display as well. Instead of telling one of his inane little stories from start to finish like a normal person, he inexplicably hopscotches around from story to story in a random way (as you’ll also see next week when you’re saying to yourself “oh yeah, THAT thing again”). IMO he does it deliberately for the purpose of confusing and alienating potential readers so they’ll avoid the strip thus making it easier to churn out this idiotic drivel while exerting as little effort as is humanly possible. It’s all part of the scam. It has to be.

And this f*cking Dinkle asshole. Remember when he used him to wring a little more of that aforementioned pathos out of him by causing him to go deaf? Now, of course, he’s an “adorable” old coot, beloved by all despite being a real jerk most of the time. And he apparently hears just fine now. Now THAT’S Batiukian. It’s a certain indefinable quality that separates FW from things that makes sense and entertain.

So lesson one is: if you’re suffering from Alzheimer’s or profound hearing loss, head on over to Westview where miracles await (not applicable with cancer, that’s a crap shoot). Lesson two is: if you’re looking to find out just how little momentum a “story” can have, welcome to paradise. Likewise if you’re looking for poorly-realized (and very stupid) characters, godawful “writing” and/or truly terrible jokes, puns and gags that center around idiotic bits of dumb wordplay. It’s also terrific if you’re the sort of person who enjoys the beginning of stories but not so much the middles and the endings.

Yikes, that was a lot of complaining over a relatively inoffensive piece of FW claptrap, eh? Oh well. Stay tuned, as the Original SoSF Guest Snarker DavidO makes his triumphant return.

Oh…Bull. Crap.

Link To Today’s Silliness

Uh, no Les, you moron, it isn’t really a “long story” at all. Cindy is out in La-La Land Buddyblogging and boinking Mason Jarr, so she couldn’t do it. That’s it. One sentence. And why the f*ck is he sulking again already? He did nothing, Bull just pulled his ass out of the fire and exactly one second later he’s pouting and moping again. What. A. Dick.

“Why sure, Les. I’ll screw over the kids in my basketball camp so you don’t look like a complete moron! Their parent’s checks have already cleared!”. I think he would have agreed to just about anything there. “Why sure Les, you can use the gym for your gun show/pornography convention/legal highs symposium/wife’s funeral!”. I mean don’t they need to run this scheme by someone with a little actual authority in the school district? They’re always complaining about their budget shortfalls but they’re always playing fast and loose with WHS resources too. There’s a sort of arrogance about it all that probably explains why the Westviewian locals are always shooting down the school levy every year, you know? And that f*cking Les is almost always behind it all, too.

Coming next week: The anxiously-awaited reunion ends in tragedy as Mary Sue and Funky collide in a dimly-lit section of the gym and ninety-four souls are lost. The survivors envy the dead. An inquiry reveals that WHS’ liability insurance does not cover unauthorized gym events and the town is forced into bankruptcy. Bull somehow remains as athletic director, though.

Reunion City Blues

Link To Today’s Contrivance

So let’s take a moment to recap this idiotic reunion arc. Cindy usually organizes the reunion, but she can’t this year, so she inexplicably gives Les the job. At no point does she specify “anywhere but the gym”. Les meets with the rest of the reunion committee and they spend the entire meeting fooling around with that stupid cancer book. At no time does anyone on the committee discuss a venue or mention the fact that Cindy does not want to use the gym. Then, after doing nothing, Les suddenly realizes there’s no venue for the reunion. He panics and sulks.

After Cayla suggests the school, Les discovers that Bull is running a sports-related activity in the gym that same day. So apparently Les will use his “friendship” with Bull to convince the moron to f*ck over the basketball campers so he can use the gym for the reunion. The dreams of young aspiring hoopsters put on hold so Les and his obese pals can waddle around the gym, all because Les was too lazy and mopey to find a more suitable venue. What a dick.

And now, obviously, Cindy will get all upset and berate Les, then she’ll be forced to apologize on his porch after it’s the Best Reunion Ever. That horrible dick with ears will be the f*cking hero again. And it sickens me, it really does. This mess is going to take weeks to play out, guaranteed.

Gym-Nauseum

Link To Today’s Farce.

And as we enter the homestretch it’s “the WHS gym” making a TREMENDOUS run for the wire! Yep, it looks like we’re in for lots of sepia-toned “Les is stuck on the gym rope again” flashbacks featuring good ol’ Act I Loser Les! That’s right, folks. Way back when, before he was an award-winning author/martyr/smug obnoxious jerk whose wife tragically died, Les was a hapless dweeb! I know, I know…it’s difficult to believe, but it’s 100% true. In fact, you can visit the official FW archive site and take a gander at those old strips anytime you…oh, wait. Forget that last part.

“Six months ago”??? What? Does the reunion committee meet every two weeks or something? Why were they discussing a venue six months ago? And why didn’t they settle on one? Normally, a story starts making more sense as you add details…but not in the Funkyverse, where up is white and down is sideways and everything is coated with pizza grease, nonsensical developments and retconned nostalgia. And sometimes all the names are wrong too.

Why are there corner thingies in panel one? It’s just a flashback to six months ago, not a cherished old memory of happier days gone by. Either use them right or not at all, Author Guy! Retcon photo album corner thingies are a privilege, not a right.

Wednesday, June 10

Link To Today’s Debacle.

Today’s strip is unavailable for preview. Just a hunch, but my guess would be that it will involve a lot of stupid “couple’s banter”, as it’s the only way Les and Cayla can communicate. Unlike Les and Lisa, who shared a psychic bond that made words (other than “Spanky”) totally unnecessary. Lisa would have simply crossed her arms, blinked and sha-ZAM…reunion organized! But Cayla…meh.