Son of Stuck Funky – Page 631 – Son of Stuck Funky

Apocalypse, Huh?

Whew! For a second there I thought she said “chemotherapy” and I was all like, “oh noes, not again!”. But nope, no cancer today, just a racially-insensitive and weirdly out-of-context remark from Cayla as DickFace tries desperately to think. And suddenly the “where will the reunion be?” odds shift somewhat, as Les’ house makes a bold narrative move on the outside. And by “bold” of course I mean “cripplingly stupid”.

Just look at him today…gak. He’s all worked up after totally botching his reunion organizing duties (mostly due to his incessant whining and simpering) while Cayla (correctly) browbeats him. Having that “in memoriam” board in her house might finally push her over the edge, or at least we can hope. I just can’t see how they could possibly fit that massive thundering herd into Moore Manor, I mean have you seen the size of those people? Mary Sue alone will just ruin those floor joists.

“Worse would have to come to the end of the world…”, is it just me or is that one of the clumsiest sentences ever? You’ve heard of syntax? Well, FW is syntaxing to read. And look at. And think about. And isn’t it funny how everyone in Westview speaks in cultural references from the 1950’s? I somehow doubt that young Cayla Williams spent her weekends watching “The Lone Ranger” and old westerns down at the local movie house, seeing how she was born in the late 1960s or early 1970s and all. Someone send him a link to Urban Dictionary or something.

Luckily, The Other 1% Are Already Dead!

Link To Today’s Thing.

No one can go from maudlin to goofy quite like the BatTom can. In this week’s installment of “The Most Annoying Man In The World”, it seems that Les (who up to this point has done nothing but mope and complain) has forgotten to book a venue for the thirty-seventh-and-a-half (or whatever) class reunion, which means the entire class will despise him EVEN MORE, as unlikely as that seems. Nice work there, dingus. What a dick.

Now longtime FW readers already know what this means. When there’s an event in need of a venue, it usually means it’s Montoni’s to the rescue. After all, what other local venue even exists? So let’s take a look at the tote board and examine the “where will the WHS reunion be held?” odds, shall we?

Montoni’s – even. By far the most likely outcome, plus Funky and Holly won’t have to walk too far. And pizza!

WHS – 5-1. Les (Cayla too) does, after all, work there. He could probably finagle some sort of deal with Principal Nate and hold the reunion at WHS itself, which would be pretty weird, but definitely plausible. And sepia-toned gym rope flashbacks!

Les’ house – 10-1. Seems sort of implausible, but not totally out of the question. And it could rain!

Gazebo Park – 50-1. I suppose it’s possible and there’s the possibility of rain and maybe even lightning (aka “hilarity”), but still. I just don’t see it.

Komix Korner – 200-1. Lord knows there’s enough room, as all John would have to do is kick Owen and Alex out for a few hours. But it’s pretty unlikely, unless they go for some sort of comic book-themed reunion. Which is never totally out of the question. But I just can’t see that thundering herd making it up that staircase, not even single-file.

CL

Link to today’s strip, when it appears.

So, I asked recently if Les Moore has ever done anything, since his “chairmanship” of the Coming Reunion Committee seems to involve him handing his duties to other people. Apparently, the answer is “no,” since we now learn that the one job he had to do–find a location–was not done. In fact, I’m gathering it wasn’t even discussed.

Now, this is remarkably stupid, even for this comic strip. I’ve never planned a reunion, but I’d think one of the first items on the agenda would be to decide on a location, since everything else kinda depends on that. But Les didn’t think of that, and not one of the ninnies he was directing thought to ask. Wow.

So Les is a FAILURE at scouting and selecting a location, and he’s a FAILURE at heading the Coming Reunion committee. No wonder he doesn’t want to do anything, and moans when he has to. He’s a FAILURE at everything he does. He should have pointed this out to Cindy right from the start and saved them all the heartburn.

Speaking of heartburn, sigh, of course we know how this little episode will resolve itself–Funky will be gracious, and somewhere near the end of this week or the next, Funky will smugly proclaim, “We don’t call Montoni’s the Chapel of Reunions for nothing!” as the class of ’78 sits down to grease-laden pizza slices. There are times when the strip is bafflingly unpredictable, and other times when you can see the denouement coming from miles away.

Anyway, I just wanted to point out that this is my 150th post on this blog. (Hence the Latin numeral title.) Good grief (as another well-known blockhead was wont to exclaim). I’m not sure whether to celebrate or mourn, to be honest. One hundred and fifty? You blockhead!

As always, I thank you for your indulgence and your courtesy. Tomorrow, the incomparable Epicus Doomus takes over; be prepared to be entertained as he regales you with tales that witness madness…while I ponder, weak and weary, what my 151st post will bring, when next I resume the host’s chair. Until then…pleasant…dreams? Ha ha ha ha ha!

Dinner’s Surprising Reappearance

Link to today’s strip.

Okay, now yesterday I’m sure you were thinking, “BChasm says it’ll get worse. How can it possibly get any worse than this? It just isn’t possible.” Well, there you go selling Tom Batiuk short–a mistake you’ll probably think twice before committing again!

And here, today, we finally have it–the entire reason for The Coming Reunion. Once more bringing out Lisa’s battered corpse so that the whole enterprise can be The Les Moore Show, starring Les Moore, with Special Guest, Les Moore! “Hey, Les, enough catching up. Let’s talk about you and your feelings.”

This is truly nauseating. The space that the slogan occupies on the poster implies that only two people have died from Les’ class (leaving out the fact that Lisa apparently wasn’t in Les’ class). And so, let’s make sure that the proper one gets worshiped. Livinia must NOT grab any attention! I do like the little touch of Lisa herself helpfully pointing with her eyes just where the book should go, then beaming her approval at Mary Sue. And isn’t it nice that Livinia won’t distract from Lisa by having her own book all about ~~her~~ how her spouse suffered and moaned. Like the Highlander, there can be only one–even if that one went to a different high school, and graduated in a different year. Every occasion is an opportunity for Les worshiping Les (assisted by Lisa). But like the prior question repeatedly asked–why do they need to have a reunion, they see each other every day–there’s another question raised by today’s episode.

Why would Mary Sue Sweetwater need to leave a copy of “Lisa’s Story” for the “In Memoriam” display?

Everyone from Les’ class, as well as everyone else in town, already owns a copy. They know the story, they are completely aware of it at all times, and they have allowed it to become the dominant narrative in their own lives. Hey Bull, got turned down for that job? Well, I got it worse–“Hollywood.” “Oh, you’re right–Sacred Lisa was about to have her story commercialized. I’m so sorry for you, Les.”

The Coming Reunion story has now fully grown from a silly story about too much nostalgia into a really creepy episode of self-worship. (Hey, “Les Whipfors,” a new character.)

My mutant ability to see tomorrow’s Funky Winkerbean (worst X-Man power ever) ends at this point, so I have no idea if I should issue a warning about tomorrow or not…but considering the ride we’ve been on, I think it’s wise to be prepared.

By the way, if you want to see the full cover of “Murdering Les Moore for Dummies” it’s right here. Before you ask, yes, the fonts are off as it was adapted from a similar book made years ago. But hey, if Tom Batiuk can recycle things without a care, I guess I can too!

Lunch’s Unexpected Return

Link to today’s strip.

When I said yesterday, “It gets worse,” you probably thought, “How can it?” Well, now you know.

Those of you with weak stomachs may want to stop with Les’ first dialogue balloon, in which Les gets someone else to do his work, again, this time quadrupling his own workload to nothing. Has Les ever done anything? It sure seems all he does is complain when things are expected of him, and then he moans and weeps until someone else does all the work. Then he whines about how hard his life is, and, well, you know the rest.

If you’re brave enough to tackle the rest of the strip, let’s press on. Les has never gotten over the loss of his first wife, and everyone, simply everyone, is completely aware of this and does whatever they can, at all times, to help him heal. Because no one else in this world has ever lost a loved one. No one else has ever suffered. No one else bears the weight of the world like Les Moore. (It’s no wonder that someone like Wally, who has suffered far more than Les, is a character the strip treats with thinly-veiled contempt.)

Lest you think me callous, I do understand that losing a loved one is a lifelong thing, and that those who’ve left us will always be in our memories. But looking at Les’ sad, smashable face in panel two, you’d hardly think this was a guy who eventually married another woman, then wrote a comic book about how he’d found new love with his new wife.

Mary Sue’s phrase in panel two seems off to me–if I was sympathetic to Les, I’d say he still loves Lisa, and that’s why he remembers. Oh well, Mary Sue is, after all, a girl, and they’re not much good for anything in this world, are they. I’m surprised we didn’t get a third panel of Les patting her on the head and saying “Thank you for trying.”

There’s a phrase that describes Les Moore perfectly. That phrase is “wallowing in self-pity.” It’s the sort of thing that a normal person does for a time–possibly a long time–but then picks himself up and moves on.

But not Les Moore. He’s going to make sure you’re always aware of him, and through this awareness, he’s going to make you suffer.

Oh, before I forget, when I said it “gets worse” yesterday, I left out one thing–it gets even worse tomorrow.