Tag: Funky

I’m Already Dreading 2021

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Finally. It appears that our national nightmare is over…for now, anyway. Funky has his license and, well, Funky has his license. He can bitch all he likes but damn, that Ohio BMV is really on the ball. He wrapped up his entire ordeal in a day which IMO is remarkable. I wasn’t really sure what BMV Guy was laughing at, I assume it’s Funky’s DL photo but who the hell really knows?

Of course, this is FW and often times things suddenly go from bad to worse. Judging by Dick Facey’s presence in the header it looks like something even worse is on the horizon, which seems impossible right now but there you go.

You’ll Need More Than That To Save THAT Ass

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Too bad there wasn’t a self-destruct button. That’s a fairly advanced feature for an Estonian surplus car, I have to admit. Funky’s parallel parking skills probably come in real handy when navigating Westview’s bustling downtown area, or when he enlists a couple of moderately-sized people to push that thing off the road when it breaks down again. Sweet mother of God I hope this means he passed, got his license back and this thing ends already because he’s entering “book-launch-tour” territory here with this solid month of Funky’s boring antics. You know things are challenging when you’re yearning for a week of Wally or Owen or ANYTHING but more Funky.

What’s So Funny ‘Bout Pizza, Love And Understanding?

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“In a world of hurt”???? Sorry, officer, he was already like that when he arrived at the BMV. “I have to get back there”…yeah, wouldn’t want to miss that huge dinner rush or anything and it’s doubtful that the “staff” (aka half the town) could handle it without the fat, shiftless, stupid Funky on the premises.

“Your pizzas are my favorite”….favorite what? Pizza? Rat-killing method? Fertilizer? The list is endless. As is this arc, which apparently will just go on and on and on until literally everyone stops reading FW thereby fulfilling BanTom’s fondest wish…complete and total anonymity.

And you know, in spite of Funky’s incessant whining, this fictional Ohio BVM is actually quite an efficient operation. Funky lets his DL lapse for a year, shows up with all the wrong documents and somehow manages to re-take the road test all within a few hours. In NJ that would take seven separate visits and a minimum of several months, at a minimum. So really it just makes his endless griping seem all the more petty, obnoxious and stupid.

Long Term Failing

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A funnier premise would have been to simply have Funky get nabbed parking in a handicapped spot, then pouring forth his litany of woe to the cop who eventually (weepingly) agrees that yeah, Funky Winkerbean is definitely “handicapped” all right. It’s a pretty ham-fisted gag that will probably annoy way more people than it amuses, unless it’s taped to the door at traffic court or something, as nothing spells out “I’m a real dick” better than blithely parking in a handicapped space. Maybe tomorrow he could operate heavy machinery while taking prescription drugs or block the intersection at every red light.

Normally Les is the “total jerk-off” character, Funky was always more of an affable-yet-eternally downtrodden sad-sack. Suddenly though, we’re seeing a pissier side of the Funk-Man, going back to Bull’s retirement game where Funky sat in the crowd disinterestedly cracking wise about WHS’ beloved brain-damaged football coach. And I don’t like it one bit, either.

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Scoffunk Lawlessbean

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Wow. Not only is Funky an imbecilic lard-ass who let his DL expire and tried to renew it with unacceptable copies of official documents, he’s also a scofflaw who brazenly parks his creepy eastern European surplus car in handicapped spots! Sorry there Mr. BanMan, but parking in a handicapped spot isn’t “one of those daffy things” that sometimes happens thanks to the vagaries of The Universe, it’s the callous act of an inconsiderate nitwit. It’s interesting how he couldn’t just let this arc be about the normal hassles one faces at the DMV, he had to make sure his personal whipping boy is as obnoxious and stupid as possible. Maybe tomorrow he’ll run over a box of puppies during the road test, wouldn’t THAT be HILARIOUS????